A short one for review

[Fatty Lumpkin]

Just a simple one. Don't know what else to say. Hope it's clear

Pissed on toilet paper
Like egg drop soup
A girl, then a guy
Not wanting to wake
Each other up in the
Middle of the night

[billy]

hi fatty

i like the idea of caring enough not to just have a piss and flush the chain...

i like to lay some paper on top of the water in order to avoid splash back
no nits really. perhaps a suggestion to drop 'in the' down to start off the last line for sake of smoothness.

[Leanne]

So sweet

I tend to agree with billy about the last couple of lines, but otherwise there's not a lot to critique (which is not to say there isn't a lot to the poem).

I do find the analogy between soup and sewage moderately disturbing, but only because it's nearly dinner time...

[Bronte]

Don’t know? you might have put the guy first with the dunny paper, would have more impact with the visualisation and really made Leanne chunder, nothing like a wee floater in the soup mix , and don’t care how short a poem is you can still cut the fillers and strengthen the imagery—

Not wanting to wake
Each other up in the
Middle of the night – this is plainly over stuffed -- do we really wake UP or just awaken ? I m going to thing about that as I go to sleep


Not wanting to wake
the other through the night.
– this way is clear and concise each lien standing on its own merit
Because each line can be questioned and imagination applied. It also gives the writer room to play with other words like Rouse in place of wake, bet if you pull this out in ten years you will see a dozen ways to play with it. my 2cents. Will be gone again for a week-- sorry. Only had time for one poem.. and you were it--

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PS sorry for the Typos, in a hurry and my edit has gone loopy