The Battle Of Love

[Mreds]

First of all sorry for the eyesore. Second. Thank you to everyone who helps me on fixing this up.

A love that was never meant to be,
Flourished into a love that shall never cease,
Such as that of the moon and sea,
Found in a dark place,
Only to take my darkness away,
I never expected to fall - only to be caught,
Never expected to be lost - only to be found,
It's as if I'm living in a dream,
I never want to be awoken,
Life is now so surreal and so serene,
A love where my heart feels comfort for once,
It makes my heart dance and sing,
Even when there is heart aches and trouble,
This love gives me strength for the future and hope in life,
I pray to what I do not know nor understand in fear of losing this love,
Whether this be of human devices or God above,
The one thing I do know,
My problems I will overcome,
Love cannot be seen nor heard but can be felt deep in the soul,
A feeling so soothing my worries no longer beat my morale down,
No matter life's issues this love will carry me from sunset to sunset,
From breath to breath,
From life to death,
I rejoice in knowing I have the greatest love of all,
I'll never let this true love burn out like the flame of a candle,
It's an eternal flame that keeps my heart warm,
Let this love last forever,
Or from my chest let my heart be torn,
I vow to protect this love with my life,
After all my life it's become,
I shall never find such a treasure again,
So if it shall end,
My desire shall too,
My heart will again be in despair,
A feeling I never again wish to feel,
This treasure of mine will continue to be guarded day and night,
After all a fight for love is the greatest of all fights,
So i shall be deemed a protector,
A guardian of love,
A warrior of passion,
Let thy enemies come,
So shall too the sounds of swords and shields clashing,
Battle after battle is won on the battlefield of love,
Conqueror of heart and soul is love,
So let the war rage on,
A war with no end,
I've vowed my life to this cause - so I pray,
Let me die on the battlefield as a defender,
I shall die happy,
A worthy death it will be,
After all - Life without this love is not worth living,
So death to this love is worth giving

[Philatone]

hello mreds!

...if you think it's an eyesore, then why leave it like that? I think some good ole' formatting and trimming will help the aesthetics; as is, you have a pretty jagged block that could use some stanzas for organization

A love that was never meant to be,
Flourished into a love that shall never cease,
Such as that of the moon and sea, "such as that of the" feels a bit clunky to me in terms of the flow
Found in a dark place,
Only to take my darkness away,..."dark" right below "darkness" feel too close together for my preference
I never expected to fall - only to be caught,
Never expected to be lost - only to be found,...i get the intention, but it still hits me as being too contradictory and clever
It's as if I'm living in a dream,
I never want to be awoken,
Life is now so surreal and so serene,...ok, but how?
A love where my heart feels comfort for once,
It makes my heart dance and sing,
Even when thereare heart aches and trouble,
This love gives me strength for the future and hope in life,
I pray to what I do not know nor understand in fear of losing this love,
Whether this be of human devices or God above,
The one thing I do know,
My problems I will overcome,
Love cannot be seen nor heard but can be felt deep in the soul,
A feeling so soothing my worries no longer beat my morale down,
No matter life's issues this love will carry me from sunset to sunset,
From breath to breath,
From life to death,
I rejoice in knowing I have the greatest love of all,
I'll never let this true love burn out like the flame of a candle,...the idea, while understandable, is not entirely fresh. can you find a new, more innovative way to express this?
It's an eternal flame that keeps my heart warm,
Let this love last forever,
Or from my chest let my heart be torn,
I vow to protect this love with my life,
After all my life it's become,
I shall never find such a treasure again,
So if it shall end,
My desire shall too,
My heart will again be in despair,
A feeling I never again wish to feel,
This treasure of mine will continue to be guarded day and night,
After all a fight for love is the greatest of all fights,...i'm not convinced, but i want to be. can you show me how?
So i shall be deemed a protector,
A guardian of love,
A warrior of passion,
Let thy enemies come,
So shall too the sounds of swords and shields clashing,
Battle after battle is won on the battlefield of love,
Conqueror of heart and soul is love,
So let the war rage on,
A war with no end,
I've vowed my life to this cause - so I pray,
Let me die on the battlefield as a defender,
I shall die happy,
A worthy death it will be,
After all - Life without this love is not worth living,
So death to this love is worth giving

for now, this strikes me as getting a bit bogged down in some of its ideas; there are many. i think trimming this down (for instance, "love" appears many many times here)and finding some kind of organization for it would make the piece have a better sense of direction and, ultimately, a goal.

[cidermaid]

Hi,
There is so much in there that i felt a little overwhealed as a reader and somewhat swamped by the large block of continuious thought. A few breathers and a bit more structure would help the reader assimilate the flow of thoughts.
I found that i had lost the tread of thought about half way through and needed to go back to the top to remind myself what the issue was, so perhaps a bit of work to ensure that the core message is plottable through the whole.
As encouragment I would like to comment on your ability to couple up emotive ideas and images which while some might be described as cliche, they demonstrate your ability project an emotion into an image and then communicate this.
There is lots of material and ideas in this poem that have mileage for further exploration....just the last few lines alone could keep me amused for hours.....I hope you can forgive my playing around with your words but you have some great things going on in the work you have posted..so good i couldn't help myself from a quick play...your writing has inspired me and I think this is one of the wonderful things about reading other's poetry, so be encouraged and keep up the writing.

A guardian of love,
A warrior of passion,
A war without an end
Let my enemies come I say!
I relish the sound of sword n shield,
to ever ride and mount the field,
where battle to battle my love is won.
My vanquished foe - spent and done
So soul of love let war rage on,
and happy die in a war with no end,
A worthy death for me to defend

[Mreds]

Thanks a lot for the suggestions Philatone and Cidermaid. I'll start working on a finished copy and post it. I really do appreciate all of the feedback.

[heslopian]

First of all sorry for the eyesore. Second. Thank you to everyone who helps me on fixing this up.

A love that was never meant to be,
Flourished into a love that shall never cease,
Such as that of the moon and sea,
Found in a dark place,
Only to take my darkness away,
I never expected to fall - only to be caught,
Never expected to be lost - only to be found,
It's as if I'm living in a dream,
I never want to be awoken,
Life is now so surreal and so serene, Everything up until this line has real beauty and charm. It isn't earth shattering, but it is deeply effective.
A love where my heart feels comfort for once,
It makes my heart dance and sing,
Even when there is heart aches and trouble,
This love gives me strength for the future and hope in life,
I pray to what I do not know nor understand in fear of losing this love,
Whether this be of human devices or God above,
The one thing I do know,
My problems I will overcome,
Love cannot be seen nor heard but can be felt deep in the soul,
A feeling so soothing my worries no longer beat my morale down,
No matter life's issues this love will carry me from sunset to sunset,
From breath to breath,
From life to death,
I rejoice in knowing I have the greatest love of all,
I'll never let this true love burn out like the flame of a candle,
It's an eternal flame that keeps my heart warm,
Let this love last forever,
Or from my chest let my heart be torn,
I vow to protect this love with my life,
After all my life it's become,
I shall never find such a treasure again,
So if it shall end,
My desire shall too,
My heart will again be in despair,
A feeling I never again wish to feel,
This treasure of mine will continue to be guarded day and night,
After all a fight for love is the greatest of all fights,
So i shall be deemed a protector,
A guardian of love,
A warrior of passion,
Let thy enemies come,
So shall too the sounds of swords and shields clashing,
Battle after battle is won on the battlefield of love,
Conqueror of heart and soul is love,
So let the war rage on,
A war with no end,
I've vowed my life to this cause - so I pray,
Let me die on the battlefield as a defender,
I shall die happy,
A worthy death it will be,
After all - Life without this love is not worth living,
So death to this love is worth giving

The poem, in my opinion, is much too long. More than half of it could be removed without changing the overall effect. To be honest I think it could end perfectly after "so surreal and so serene". Though I felt liked I'd read this kind of poem many times before everything until then, as I said above, has a real quality to it. After that the poem starts falling into monomania. It's my belief that a poem this long needs a narrative, things happening. As it is it's mostly just metaphors all leading back to the same point. All my critique is, of course, JMHO (Just My Humble Opinion), and thanks very much for the read

[Mreds]

Thank you for your reply Heslopian. I'm currently reworking it. I'm definitely going to be shortening the poem. Trying to take out the repetitive nature of it. Again thank you everyone for your help!

[billy]

hi mreds, i'd suggest posting in mild critiqiue for a while as the feedback isn't as heavy.

First of all sorry for the eyesore. Second. Thank you to everyone who helps me on fixing this up.

A love that was never meant to be, a first line cliche is a waste of a first line unless it' sets us up for something extra special.
Flourished into a love that shall never cease,
Such as that of the moon and sea, i like this line, the image of the moon pulling at the sea is solid though a little cliche but here it's okay because it does work well.
Found in a dark place,
Only to take my darkness away,
I never expected to fall - only to be caught, cliche
Never expected to be lost - only to be found,cliche
It's as if I'm living in a dream,cliche
I never want to be awoken,
Life is now so surreal and so serene, try to use as least words as the lines needs, some need lots of words, this and many others do not.
A love where my heart feels comfort for once,
It makes my heart dance and sing, really well used cliche
Even when there is heart aches and trouble, and again
This love gives me strength for the future and hope in life, remove anything excess.
I pray to what I do not know nor understand in fear of losing this love,
Whether this be of human devices or God above,
The one thing I do know,
My problems I will overcome,
Love cannot be seen nor heard but can be felt deep in the soul,
A feeling so soothing my worries no longer beat my morale down,
No matter life's issues this love will carry me from sunset to sunset,
From breath to breath,
From life to death,
I rejoice in knowing I have the greatest love of all,
I'll never let this true love burn out like the flame of a candle,
It's an eternal flame that keeps my heart warm,
Let this love last forever,
Or from my chest let my heart be torn,
I vow to protect this love with my life,
After all my life it's become,
I shall never find such a treasure again,
So if it shall end,
My desire shall too,
My heart will again be in despair,
A feeling I never again wish to feel,
This treasure of mine will continue to be guarded day and night,
After all a fight for love is the greatest of all fights,
So i shall be deemed a protector,
A guardian of love,
A warrior of passion,
Let thy enemies come,
So shall too the sounds of swords and shields clashing,
Battle after battle is won on the battlefield of love,
Conqueror of heart and soul is love,
So let the war rage on,
A war with no end,
I've vowed my life to this cause - so I pray,
Let me die on the battlefield as a defender,
I shall die happy,
A worthy death it will be,
After all - Life without this love is not worth living,
So death to this love is worth giving

i stopped because the last thing i want to do is look over bearing, the poem needs to be cut back by a lot, any excess wordage needs to be removed, and as many cliches as possible need to be removed or changed to something original.

thanks for the read,