Mindflow

[Mayflow]

My Heart is beating
My blood is Flowing...
Between the beats,
There is a Knowing
My mind
is like a River...
Flowing deep, and
at the same time
It is like the Ocean
that the River Seeks

[billy]

it reads well but when you look closer it needs to hold the reader in a tighter grip. it verges on extended cliche but maybe it's just me who sees it that way. instead of a simile with the mind/river thing, why not remove the "is like" and make it tighter. , remove anything that doesn't add something. 'flowing deep' is a solid cliche that could be changed to something more original though i have no suggestion that come readily to mind. ever heard the line, slowly rivers flow
to the sea, to the sea? this too is an an epic cliche. the poem itself isn't bad but it could be much improved with an edit.

My mind
a River...
Flowing deep,

thanks for the read

[Art Deco]

Hi Mayflow - A short and vivid poem that I don't altogether understand!
Just a few comments ... Your use of capital letters is inconsistant - Why F on Flowing but not B on beating or vica versa!!

My Heart is beating
My blood is Flowing...
Between the beats,
There is a Knowing
My mind
is like a River...
Flowing deep, and
at the same time this line rather spoils the flow - perhaps "Flowing
It is like the Ocean deep and like the
that the River Seeks Ocean that the River seeks" might
work better.

[Keith]

My Heart is beating
My blood is Flowing...
Between the beats,
There is a Knowing
My mind
is like a River...
Flowing deep, and
at the same time
It is like the Ocean
that the River Seeks

Hi Mayflow looks like youve got some good crits here so just to say I like this and the way it moves along, Ifeel its a powerful topic but at the same time I'm not sure why, hope that makes sense, it brings to mind a song by REM Find the river Thanks for the read. TOMH