The Eye

[HaniG]

Magic is what I see in the eye
As it looks right at me
Blinking in the same time as I
This is all I can see

Green or blue, it remains an eye
It's still staring at me
Lifting the eyebrows high
Amazed I remain to be

Pain pushes the eye to cry
But I know tear drops aren't free
Blinks again, the beautiful eye
Beautiful it remains to be

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Feedback please

[Philatone]

hello, Hanig!
welcome to the boards! thanks for joining us. be sure to check out some of our other poets' work and leave some feedback, as well as sharing more of what you have!

regarding the poem

Magic is what I see in the eye
As it looks right at me
Blinking in the same time as I...need the "in"?
This is all I can see...you already have a subject for "is"--it is the "I" in the line above it. maybe "This" could be more specific (e.g., describe the eye, what exactly you see

Green or blue, it remains an eye...the "it remains..." doesn't really tell me much. I just assumed it would stay an eye to be honest
It's still staring at me
Lifting the eyebrows high...need the "the"?
Amazed I remain to be...the "to be" is interesting but a little hard to understand at the moment. What does the speaker "remain to be" exactly?

Pain pushes the eye to cry
But I know tear drops aren't free
Blinks again, the beautiful eye
Beautiful it remains to be

there are a lot of inverted sentences (putting verbs before subject) that I don't think enhance the poem. Keeping the doer of an action first can lead to confusion or just general mistakes.

hopefully one or two of these things may help

[billy]

i'd suggest editing out all the things in brackets as being extraneous.

Magic is what I see in the eye i see magic
As it looks [right] at me
Blinking [in the] same [time] as I
This is all I [can] see

Green or blue, it remains an eye
[It's] still staring at me
Lifting the eyebrow[s] high it's an eye, not a pair, so it would be one eyebrow.
Amazed I remain to be sounds like yoda speak. (i'm amazed)

Pain pushes the eye to cry
[But]I know tear drops aren't free
Blinks again, the beautiful eye
Beautiful it remains to be

----------------

Feedback please

first off it's much of a oneness throughout the poem. some of the rhymes work though some feels forced, specially the repetitive rhymes. try and add some depth. i was expecting something along the lines of lord of the rings but it wasn't to be. in what context does the eye exist.

thanks for the read.