under a gibbous moon

[Aish]

like goblins
listening in darkness
we suck our breath and hum

with the flat thwacking
as I strike your kneecaps
and hammer your ribcage marimba
with makeshift mallets

of wooden spoons

the rasping notes
unfurling like ebony petals
in the witching hour
of a midnight garden


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like goblins
listening in darkness
we suck our breath and hum
with the flat thwacking

as I strike your kneecaps
and hammer your ribcage marimba
with makeshift mallets
of wooden spoons

the rasping notes
unfurling like ebony petals
in the witching hour
of a midnight garden

[billy]

has this been out before Aish?

like goblins
listening in darkness
we suck our breath and hum great three opening lines
with the flat thwacking i'm struggling on this line. though i don't can't say why

as I strike your kneecaps and here also, i think it's because i'm not expecting such a pause as a stanza break.
and hammer your ribcage marimba
with makeshift mallets
of wooden spoons

the rasping notes
unfurling like ebony petals
in the witching hour
of a midnight garden i like the end stanza, it has a feel of voodoo, it also works in well the the title

apart for the one hiccup i enjoyed the read, it has a childlike quality about it

wish i could be of more help .

[Aish]

Billy,
I wrote this tonight, so no, it hasn't been out before. I did post it in the group on FaceBook.

I can play with the breaks and see if it helps any.

[billy]

Billy,
I wrote this tonight, so no, it hasn't been out before. I did post it in the group on FaceBook.

I can play with the breaks and see if it helps any.

i can remember i replied to a poem that had goblins in it as making me think of goblin market is all.

[Aish]

I LOVE the Goblin Market!

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

I love this one. How can you not love even a simile of goblins?

like goblins
listening in darkness
we suck our breath and hum

with the flat thwacking--maybe a instead of the
as I strike your kneecaps
and hammer your ribcage marimba
with makeshift mallets

of wooden spoons--this stand alone line is good to transform this from assault to Goblin Midnight Jubilee. The opening to this point is a lot of fun, and I have no real nits

the rasping notes
unfurling like ebony petals--I played around with unfurl here but I think I like the way you have it better
in the witching hour
of a midnight garden

The way you convert the sounds into a type of music that then blooms in ebony petals is really beautiful writing. For me, this strophe is what elevates the piece from being just a fun write (which isn't bad in its own right).

Thanks,

Todd


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like goblins
listening in darkness
we suck our breath and hum
with the flat thwacking

as I strike your kneecaps
and hammer your ribcage marimba
with makeshift mallets
of wooden spoons

the rasping notes
unfurling like ebony petals
in the witching hour
of a midnight garden

[Keith]

like goblins
listening in darkness
we suck our breath and hum feels like a dark ritual has begun and in only 3 lines
with the flat thwacking flat and thwacking sound great on their own not sure, with the, is needed here
as I strike your kneecaps
and hammer your ribcage marimba googled but great image
with makeshift mallets

of wooden spoons this seems light and playfull so out of kilter with the intensity of the last stanza
the rasping notes
unfurling like ebony petals
in the witching hour
of a midnight garden


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

like goblins
listening in darkness
we suck our breath and hum
with the flat thwacking

as I strike your kneecaps
and hammer your ribcage marimba
with makeshift mallets
of wooden spoons

the rasping notes
unfurling like ebony petals
in the witching hour
of a midnight garden

Hi Aish
Thanks for the read , I enjoyed this and now cant stop saying (flat thwack) in a clockwork orange kinda way.