Selfish moments

[Keith]

2nd Go
Selfish moments, just before sleep
iterations of ideas my head wants to keep
leg-sheets platted, covers thrown off,
pillow turned over for cooler cloth.

Lost to indulgence, questions I craft
play out fantasy, time travel to the past
grant you three wishes hear my command,
almanac betting spree gets out of hand.

Change things around until I’m lost in a place,
explore every detail every possible case,
never a conclusion sleep comes at last,
my mind finds the answers to the questions it asked.




1st Go
Selfish moments, just before sleep
iterations of ideas my head wants to keep
pillow turned over for cooler cloth
pitch black lights, thoughts tapper off.

Lost to indulgence questions I craft
Play out fantasy, time travel in the past
I’ll give you three wishes, you only get two
your third must state that others come true.

Change things around until I’m lost in a place
explore every detail, every possible case
never a conclusion, sleep comes at last
my mind solves the puzzle to the questions it asked.

[billy]

Selfish moments, just before sleep
iterations of ideas my head wants to keep
pillow turned over for cooler cloth good image
pitch black lights, thoughts tapper off. taper not sure pitch black (cliche) works well with lights.

Lost to indulgence questions I craft indulgence,
Play out fantasy, time travel in the past
I’ll give you three wishes, you only get two
your third must state that others come true.

Change things around until I’m lost in a place
explore every detail, every possible case
never a conclusion, sleep comes at last
my mind solves the puzzle to the questions it asked.

i felt you were robbing me of images that were within your head just before the dream. what were you thinking, what fantasy, how you would have done things differently (time travel) i can grasp the idea of the poem, i do a similar thing most nights.

thanks for the read.

[Keith]

Selfish moments, just before sleep
iterations of ideas my head wants to keep
pillow turned over for cooler cloth good image
pitch black lights, thoughts tapper off. taper not sure pitch black (cliche) works well with lights.

Lost to indulgence questions I craft indulgence,
Play out fantasy, time travel in the past
I’ll give you three wishes, you only get two
your third must state that others come true.

Change things around until I’m lost in a place
explore every detail, every possible case
never a conclusion, sleep comes at last
my mind solves the puzzle to the questions it asked.

i felt you were robbing me of images that were within your head just before the dream. what were you thinking, what fantasy, how you would have done things differently (time travel) i can grasp the idea of the poem, i do a similar thing most nights.

thanks for the read.

Hi Billy thanks for advice have had a 2nd go, cheers TOMH

[billy]

the almanac gives it a feel of back to the future, which fits in with the time travel theme.
the first verse feels better.

is the 'to' needed on line 2 of the 2nd verse?

appendage feels a bit vague, do you mean 'cock'?

all in all it's a decent edit for me.