first attempt at a sonnet

[cidermaid]

The greatest love story ever…….
(An over view of Song of songs - the whole story)

Can love be captured, penned, be tamed and trained?
A Song of Songs! To whom belonged this piece?
For graced this song the sages, and much was gained.
Thus remiss them so kissed. Love lost, without peace
to roam, if ever such a kiss would be dismissed.
An alter stone, such heart would scarce be fitted,
to grace the words of love thus tamed amiss.
So dust to dust a heart is lost; uncommited.
But love his word has spoken true. He calls,
unchanged from age to age, his love, his 'dove'
to "come my beautiful one...(the curtain falls).
For you I die. My life, a gift my love".
Thus speaks the word on tablets plain. Alas delayed.
But wait, he comes! Your love is here this day.

[Leanne]

Hello there cidermaid! There's a lot to like here in your first sonnet, so let's look at smoothing out some of the bumps and wrinkles.

Can love be captured, penned, be tamed and trained? -- This is a strong opening idea. Though I can force this line into iambic pentameter, it doesn't do justice to the sounds when I do and seems rushed. My suggestion would be: "Can love be penned and captured, tamed and trained?"
A Song of Songs! To whom belonged this piece? -- lovely assonance
For graced this song the sages, and much was gained. -- the inverted syntax doesn't help here, and indeed it spoils the meter. What about "The sages graced this song, and much was gained"?
Thus remiss them so kissed. Love lost, without peace -- I don't think "remiss" is the best word here, but I'm lost for alternatives at the moment.
to roam, if ever such a kiss would be dismissed. -- the assonance is again very effective, and the sibilants carry through these lines like whispers. However, you have an extra foot in this line, which could be fixed by just taking out "ever"
An alter stone, such heart would scarce be fitted, -- sp. altar
to grace the words of love thus tamed amiss. -- you've used "tamed" before, but it works again here -- not so "grace", I think that's one repetition too far
So dust to dust a heart is lost; uncommited. -- again an extra foot -- "uncommitted" gives you an extra syllable but it's a feminine ending like "fitted", so that's no problem, if you take out "is" it's fixed
But love his word has spoken true. He calls, -- many loves in this poem -- I know it's a big theme but I would try and revise it out of this line in particular, as this seems a bit of a filler
unchanged from age to age, his love, his 'dove'
to "come my beautiful one...(the curtain falls). -- one syllable too many -- would you consider "beauteous" instead? That can be elided to just two syllables and is less of a strain on the meter.
For you I die. My life, a gift my love".
Thus speaks the word on tablets plain. Alas delayed. -- extra foot! Maybe "These words on tablets plain. Alas delayed"
But wait, he comes! Your love is here this day.

It probably looks like a lot of correcting, but these are all small things. Overall you have a good ear for meter and sonics -- the detail will come with practise. Thanks very much for posting

[cidermaid]

Hi, thanks for all of the above. We take me a while to process and re-work but i'm feeling suitably encouraged ....so a job well done from you.

[Leanne]

If you want a hand fixing anything, just shout. Someone will hear you. I'm technically on hiatus at the moment but I do check in from time to time and I'd be happy to help out if I can. There are sonnets in the practise forum that you might find useful as well.

[billy]

leanne got everything i thing, but i'll still give some of my thoughts

The greatest love story ever…….
(An over view of Song of songs - the whole story)

Can love be captured, penned, be tamed and trained? the captured and penned, alter the rhythm. i'd suggest 'penned or captured, tamed or trained?'
A Song of Songs! To whom belonged this piece? some good ong stuff going on. very graceful.
For graced this song the sages, and much was gained.
Thus remiss them so kissed. Love lost, without peace this and the line above feel awkward to speak, my suggestion for this line would be; them so kissed remiss, love lost, without peace the meter isn't i ambic but you might get away with it leannes idea works for the line above.
to roam, if ever such a kiss would be dismissed. really good use of assonance with the iss's
An alter stone, such heart would scarce be fitted, altar
to grace the words of love thus tamed amiss.
So dust to dust a heart is lost; uncommited. is is and the semi colon needed?
But love his word has spoken true. He calls,
unchanged from age to age, his love, his 'dove'
to "come my beautiful one...(the curtain falls).
For you I die. My life, a gift my love".
Thus speaks the word on tablets plain. Alas delayed.
But wait, he comes! Your love is here this day.

a few extra feet that can swapped via leanne's advice should you use it
, six loves feels like at least three too many. your really into song of songs

a great effort cidermaid

thanks for the read.