Lost Generation.

[Thomas.c.Batten]

Lost degenerates with long coat and hood
Deep pockets carrying all you believe good,
Waste, filter through your hands touch and grab
Make sure for certain recheck you still have,
Lost in the day with your routine and time
Check all your pockets is all still fine?
Emptied, used or lost, it is not well,
Fear not for capitalism! We’ll get the hard sell!

Lost degenerates you must have collapsed,
Where have you gone? They have no grasp!
Streets are emptied, derelict decayed,
We have the control, degenerates wrongly enraged.

Feel the wrath of us the degenerates of our times
We take heed in these troubles these political crimes,
You! With your tie and un-creased white shirt
Speaking of justice with head out the dirt,
Look at us when we are as clean as you!
Despondent from answers and lies we are roué,
We are the people the whole flock of this hour
The creators, the artists, the revolutionary power,
Seize all you can from the wisdom of old
Insert their knowledge, examine, remould,
They are naïve to the present destruction
Lost in their affirmations with corruption.

Lost degenerates with long coat and hood
Deep pockets carrying all you believe good,
Realise the old clock has past its time
Has ticked for too long and lost its chime,
Globalisation has been born and sprung
Has woven its web and meticulously spun,
Run ragged with pride, gluttony and greed,
They have ripped all nations to let the vultures feed,
Degenerates take off your coat, let down your hood
Speak proudly of the fighters, who previously stood,
Surrender nothing to their power of will,
You are the freeman of democracy read the bill!

We are the lost degenerates who’ve been supressed!
We have watched with heartache the nation regressed!

Let us all be one and one for all, let us pick up all who fall!
Let us march together now with frenetic stimulation
Let us spread shanti in each and every nation.

[abu nuwas]

This is very ambitious, and has many flaws, in my view. On the other hand, trying to paint with broad brush-strokes on such a large canvas, suggests that with some work, the effect would be much improved. Many lines seem not to follow logically, and there are many forced rhymes, but I think suggestions about these would be wasted until you have given thought to a more basic point.

To my ear, the rhyming couplets are wrong: almost any other pattern, would be better, or, if you feel up to it, something like terza rima, which always offers the possibility of a good punch at the end. Btw, 'roue, with the accent, is pronounced roo-ay, and so does not rhyme with 'you'. Minor thing.

I also heard metre in parts, but then it faded, as if you had not made up your mind. For my money, it would be much stronger if it was recast into some traditional form.

One last thing. You are best when creating a mood. But do you need to spell out the evils of globalisation? It is a case of telling and not showing -- the reader should be assumed to have picked that up. I do not think that 'show, not tell' is a golden rule which cannot be broken, but, well you get the idea, I hope.

Hope this is not too negative, esp as this is the Mild Crit one. I am saying you have the basis for something good, but it will take work.

PS Welcome!

[billy]

i'm more of less with abu,

i get the feeling it's supposed to be more song like, and i think it succeeds in that respect. that said, the repetition doesn't work well enough as poem. (in some poems repetition does work well) the good part are buried under little asides.
some of the end rhymes need working on more than one or two. i think the thing that would most enhance through an edit is the meter, abu mentioned it, where you have it works much better than where it doesn't exist.

thanks for the read