Life of Blah

[umbleets]

Ive got bubble gum thoughts and sneaker dreams

A mouth full of thoughts running on high beams

Black and bruised windows, the fog infested kind

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar to change your mind

Discount all your beliefs, mark up the pleasures of the wrong

Put right into your pocket, the cost to tag along

Lint and silly string are treasures beyond gold

Nonsense and Blah makes up the shit we're told

If its thought of and serves a purpose, convenience becomes the proof

Question the sanity of everything or the insane becomes the truth

Every one is infected so spread some sparkle with your germs

Let your mind do your molding, live your life on your own minds terms

[just mercedes]

Hi umbleets -

I can't help thinking you got a bit carried away, and ignored the meter, syllable count, everything, even meaning, to achieve that end line rhyme.

Your poem starts with interesting imagery - 'black and bruised windows, the fog-infested kind' is original and fresh, to me - but then you use the word 'thought' three times in four lines. from there, you go downhill. I have no idea what these lines mean -

Lint and silly string are treasures beyond gold

Nonsense and Blah makes up the shit we're told

You have some interesting things going on here, but overall it just doesn't work. I think you need to go back to the premise of the poem and work out what you want to say.

Make the words do what you want, don't just use them because they rhyme.

[billy]

Ive got bubble gum thoughts and sneaker dreams great first line. it feels like youth.

A mouth full of thoughts running on high beams i'm at a loss

Black and bruised windows, the fog infested kind i like the image but i can't tie it in to anything that went before it.

A penny for your thoughts, cliche a dollar to change your mind

Discount all your beliefs, mark up the pleasures of the wrong

Put right into your pocket, the cost to tag along

Lint and silly string are treasures beyond gold another good line but how does it tie in

Nonsense and Blah makes up the shit we're told

If its (it's) thought of and serves a purpose, convenience becomes the proof

Question the sanity of everything or the insane becomes the truth

Every one is infected so spread some sparkle with your germs

Let your mind do your moulding, live your life on your own minds terms

it feel like a rant but i can't see a clear rant, it feels like a nonsense poem that makes no sense. i get lots of anger but it doesn't feel funnelled or cohesive, there are some really good lines in there but they feel isolated,

thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

hello umbleets!

Ive got bubble gum thoughts and sneaker dreams

A mouth full of thoughts running on high beams

Black and bruised windows, the fog infested kind

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar to change your mind

Discount all your beliefs, mark up the pleasures of the wrong

Put right into your pocket, the cost to tag along

Lint and silly string are treasures beyond gold

Nonsense and Blah makes up the shit we're told

If its thought of and serves a purpose, convenience becomes the proof

Question the sanity of everything or the insane becomes the truth

Every one is infected so spread some sparkle with your germs

Let your mind do your molding, live your life on your own minds terms

Without meter or focused, developed ideas, this feels like a free-write or an exercise more than an actual piece. The movement is just too rapid; you can deliver some good punches, but the effect is not lasting because there is little to connect the beginning to the end. Using tighter transitions would work wonders for the piece