The card

[LyndaM]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but very curious what you think of my poem.
Tell me what I can improve!

"The card that I was never given.
And never did I read,
beloved words on cardboard paper written.
Merely an empty shelf instead

A gesture that was never sent to my address.
And never did my fingertips caress
plasticized paper that shows an amusing "get well soon" — cartoon.

The way that people can express
that on recovery they truly wish you all the loving success.

And though I never was sent,
a silly stupid present.

I wrote me a letter, to make me feel better.
Those beloved words written to myself,
to finally fill my empty shelf."

[Todd]

Hi Lynda,

Welcome to the forum! Here are some comments below for you:

Hi, I'm new to this forum but very curious what you think of my poem.
Tell me what I can improve!

"The card that I was never given.
And never did I read,-- I would suggest keeping the conversational tone without inverting the syntax. Maybe cut did I
beloved words on cardboard paper written.--same thing written before on.
Merely an empty shelf instead

A gesture that was never sent to my address.
And never did my fingertips caress--my fingerprints before never
plasticized paper that shows an amusing "get well soon" — cartoon.

The way that people can express
that on recovery they truly wish you all the loving success.--I would consider cutting these lines and stay firmly with the conceit of the poem

And though I never was sent,
a silly stupid present.

I wrote me a letter, to make me feel better.--I would be in favor of this line being I wrote this letter
Those beloved words written to myself,--you could cut those
to finally fill my empty shelf."

I like this. It's a good idea. It's executed well. I think the trick to pulling it off is pared it down and tightening it where you can and cleaning up the syntax. This one is all about pacing. It needs to be conversational and fast.

I hope some of that was helpful, ignore what wasn't.

Best,

Todd

[abu nuwas]

Welcome! Am just going out, but will return

[TwistedAngel]

to write a card to youself...how weird is that !!! a very sad poem i think, an has given me a guilt trip an made me think of me nan this xmas

the only thing that dont feel right IMO is "cardboard paper" is it cardboard or paper...can it be both ?

[billy]

"The card that I was never given.
And never did I read, did feels redundant, it's also yodaspeak, look out for it elsewhere in the poem
beloved words on cardboard paper written.
Merely an empty shelf instead

A gesture that was never sent to my address.
And never did my fingertips caress
plasticized paper that shows an amusing "get well soon" — cartoon.

The way that people can express
that on recovery they truly wish you all the loving success.

And though I never was sent,
a silly stupid present.

I wrote me a letter, to make me feel better.
Those beloved words written to myself,
to finally fill my empty shelf."

i love the sentiment behind it, the loneliness feels solid. i think you need to cut away a lot of excess words/wording. try and add a couple of images flesh it out a little more.

thanks for the read.

[just mercedes]

Hi LyndaM - I'm not sure if anyone else has pointed this out, but you have posted the same poem in two places - if you want serious critique, this is the place for it. I'll be back to read more thoroughly.

[billy]

i've merged the two threads to here.

[just mercedes]

i've merged the two threads to here.

Wow - you can do anything!

[Philatone]

hello Lynda! welcome to the boards!

"The card that I was never given.
And never did I read,
beloved words on cardboard paper written. ...these opening lines strike me as incomplete; i think it's the missing verb. what does this card do you to you? what is its importance?
Merely an empty shelf instead ...the "instead" felt like exess. in general, I wasn't a fan of the inverted syntax in the first three lines.

A gesture that was never sent to my address....like the idea of sending a gesture
And never did my fingertips caress
plasticized paper that shows an amusing "get well soon" — cartoon. ...the "that shows an amusing" felt a bit wordy to me, especially for the tone of the poem and length of the other lines

The way that people can express
that on recovery they truly wish you all the loving success....not sure if this stanza adds much; if you want to keep it, I think it is currently a bit too direct. the second line leaves too little to the imagination to leave an impression

And though I never was sent, ...again, an active verb, where you do the action rather than receive it, would strengthen this for me
a silly stupid present.

I wrote me a letter, to make me feel better.
Those beloved words written to myself,...could chop the "written to myself" (you state it in the first line). maybe this line could be combined with the next (Those beloved words/ finally filling my empty shelf)
to finally fill my empty shelf."

a pleasant read, but some tightening could make it stronger. thanks for sharing!