The Tragedian's Regret

[heslopian]

If I could make people laugh, I'd do it in a second.
To fill my stage with abandon, the gentle whims of fairies
who dance among lovers like happy children,
would be a greater art. That isn't the gift I was given.
Instead, I'm destined to be the bearer of bad news,
standing at the stage's lip with my script raised high,
screaming despair into everyone's face.
Perverts, killers, undead fiends, Hell's furnace
and Evil himself, this is my world, darlings;
all the little cherubs hide in their mothers' coats
when my shows come to town. If I could make 'em laff!
I'd be a big shot then. A real Someone
with a message to spread, a message of hope
and no Pandora. I'd make 'em laff 'til they fell from their chairs,
and me on my stage with a jolly great grin.

[billy]

it's a little wordy but i think the narratives call for it. i think in an odd place it could be tightened up but it would just be tweaking.

If I could make people laugh, I'd do it in a second. (I would, in a...)
To fill my stage with abandon, the gentle whims of fairies
who dance among lovers like happy children,
would be a greater art. That isn't the gift I was given.
Instead I'm destined to be the bearer of bad news, should there be a comma after instead?
standing at the stage's lip with my script raised high,
screaming despair into everyone's face. i like the image here it's solid
Perverts, killers, undead fiends, Hell's furnace
and Evil himself, this is my world, darlings; it feels cheesy in a good way
all the little cherubs hide in their mothers' coats
when my shows come to town. If I could make 'em laff!
I'd be a big shot then. A real Someone i think this is cliche weak.
with a message to spread, a message of hope
and no Pandora. I'd make 'em laff 'til they fell from their chairs,
and me on my stage with a jolly great grin.

the over use of grin didn't bother me, in fact i think it added to a good narrative. the poem carries sadness and envy, or maybe a longing to be someone else. it expresses well the human psych of needing to make people smile.

a good read.
thanks for the post jack

[heslopian]

Thank you for you kind words and feedback, Bilbo I'll add a comma after "instead".

[just mercedes]

If I could make people laugh, I'd do it (in a second.)
(To) fill my stage with abandon, the gentle whims of fairies
who dance among lovers like (happy) children, good imagery
would be a greater art. That isn't the gift I was given. greater than what?
Instead, I'm (destined to be) the bearer of bad news,
standing at the stage's lip with my script raised high,
screaming despair into everyone's face. good imagery
Perverts, killers, undead fiends, Hell's furnace
and Evil himself, this is my world, darlings; I like the sarcastic tone
(all the) little cherubs hide in their mothers' coats
when my shows come to town. If I could make 'em laff! such despair here
I'd be a big shot then. A real Someone
with a message to spread, a message of hope
and no Pandora. I'd make 'em laff 'til they fell from their chairs, off?
and me on my stage with a jolly great grin. Good ending, nice the way it links back to the start.

Thank you for the read - it made me see the smile/frown masks that signify the theatre. How sad it must be, to want to do the opposite yet persist in the usual. A little like seeing the expression in the eyes of a sad clown. I also like the way the narrator claimed the stage in the end.

I put in brackets the words I'd take out - I'm awful like that, want to slice away until only the bones are left...

[abu nuwas]

Certainly just as miserable as the clown....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6R0iaRcUqDI

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful feedback, just mercedes I'm afraid I'm a dreadful windbag when it comes to writing anything, so I fully appreciate your edits!

I like Pagliacci, abu, that poor sad bastard