Bar stand

[Lottie90]

Hope - less romantic,
more desperate.
The distance between
love and sensation bridged
only by a G&T mile.

Flash- your Kodak smile,
A well placed wink,
her paper-thin, scrapbook skin
is all yours.

The rest left for the devils
that crowd her shoulders,
pick and caw at her carrion heart.

It still feels like love,
or else,
the closest she will ever get.

[billy]

Hope - less romantic, good word play breaks the cliche
more desperate.
The distance between
love and sensation bridged
only by a G&T mile. good way of showing drink dulling her senses

Flash- your Kodak smile,
A well placed wink,
her paper-thin, scrapbook skin
is all yours. i think this stanza could have more though i like the image of scrapbook skin

The rest left for the devils
that crowd her shoulders,
pick and caw at her carrion heart. would an 'and' at the beginning of this line help the flow?

It still feels like love,
or else,
the closest she will ever get.

bugger me, this is sad and enjoyable some of insights are good. i'd have liked to have seen 2nd stanza fleshed out a little more if just to be involved in the guilt or need that's building up.

thanks for the read Lottie.

[Todd]

Hi Lottie,

I like how you open with Hope-less. It's clever and works well on the line. I wish that I got more of that wordplay on the other hyphenated choices (flash/Kodak smile, paper-thin). I think you need to play with the interactions with those others to keep the level of interest high.

Hope - less romantic,
more desperate.
The distance between
love and sensation bridged
only by a G&T mile.--you may be able to cut only

Flash- your Kodak smile,
A well placed wink,
her paper-thin, scrapbook skin--scrapbook skin is interesting. You could develop that more. It could imply on the physical level tattoos, on the emotional level that she carries a lot of past baggage
is all yours.

The rest left for the devils
that crowd her shoulders,
pick and caw at her carrion heart.

It still feels like love,
or else,
the closest she will ever get.

It's a nice start. Enhancing those hope-less interactions throughout would be my initial advice.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

I really like the expression "carrion heart". This is a nicely mean and compelling love poem. Maybe you could extend it and talk more about the lovers though? Thanks for the read.