Existence

[hulk888]

My first poem. As with all esoteric poetry, it's meaning is hidden and subjective. Written after 5 months of studying eastern thought, western philosophy, and a few direct experiences which hold deep value for me.
All feedback welcome.


Existence

Pure solace,
I surrender and become He.

Outwards is inwards,
Both are neither.

I am the mirror to my reflections,
Only when to breathe is to die,
Will my eyes be wide.

The source is alive within itself,
Not the contained,
Nor the container,
that which watches both.

Where fire and water find middle ground
Where to be full is to be empty,
Where the purest logic is nonsense, and
Where indifference pierces the heart of distinction.

The world so small,
It’s mountains, the toes,
The veil on the cage,
The mind sews.

Summers brightest lights,
Winters heaviest snows,
Still, black nights,
Nature;
the souls clothes

Return,
Brother.
For ours,
Is a house of forgiveness.

[billy]

hi hulk not sure intros for a poem help enough to use them, mainly they stop the reader exploring and finding out for themselves what the workings of a poem are. usually a poem should be able to stand on it's own, if we can't get it without an intro, maybe it lacks something

My first poem. As with all esoteric poetry, it's meaning is hidden and subjective. Written after 5 months of studying eastern thought, western philosophy, and a few direct experiences which hold deep value for me.
All feedback welcome.


Existence

Pure solace,
I surrender and become He.

Outwards is inwards,
Both are neither.

I am the mirror to my reflections,
Only when to breathe is to die,
Will my eyes be wide. i like this stanza and wonder if it would have made a better opening statement to the poem?

The source is alive within itself,
Not the contained,
Nor the container,
that which watches both. this line feels redundant due to the stanza's opening line.

Where fire and water find middle ground
Where to be full is to be empty,
Where the purest logic is nonsense, and
Where indifference pierces the heart of distinction.

The world so small,
It’s mountains, the toes,
The veil on the cage,
The mind sews. i can't get this to make sense

Summers brightest lights,
Winters heaviest snows,
Still, black nights, three solid cliche in a row, can it said in an original way, (summer's, winter's should have commas)
Nature;
the souls clothes

Return,
Brother.
For ours,
Is a house of forgiveness.

i thought the last stanza was extremely weak for a esoteric poem. i don't think it says enough or gives as strong a message as it could.

[hulk888]

Thanks for the feedback Billy, I'll take it on board.

[addy]

Hey hulk . You're tackling some very interesting themes in this piece. Here are some of my thoughts on editing

Existence

Pure solace, To me this one line is a weak intro because its too abstract for your purposes. The opening line is the basis for the reader's first impression, and gives their first bit of context. A good way to do that is by presenting an image, establishing a scenario, or posing a thought...a hook the reader could cling to. 'Pure solace", because we don't know the context of the poem at this point, sounds abstract and meaningless.
I surrender and become He.

Outwards is inwards,
Both are neither.

I am the mirror to my reflections,
Only when to breathe is to die,
Will my eyes be should this be "become"? Not sure wide.

The source is alive within itself,
Not the contained,
Nor the container,
that which watches both.

Where fire and water find middle ground
Where to be full is to be empty,
Where the purest logic is nonsense, and
Where indifference pierces the heart of distinction. I really love the ideas here, but I believe the way they are presented could be improved. For example, "fire and water find middle ground." Surely there is a more dynamic way to describe it other than "finding middle ground". don't just explain the concept, weave a story.

The world so small,
It’s mountains, the toes,
The veil on the cage,
The mind sews. I enjoyed this stanza, particularly the first two lines. This poem shines when you ground the abstract concepts with solid imagery

Summers brightest lights,
Winters heaviest snows,
Still, black nights,
Nature;
the souls clothes i like this turn of phrase

Return,
Brother.
For ours,
Is a house of forgiveness.

[Aish]

My first poem. As with all esoteric poetry, it's meaning is hidden and subjective. Written after 5 months of studying eastern thought, western philosophy, and a few direct experiences which hold deep value for me.
All feedback welcome.


Existence

Pure solace, I'm not keen on your opening, It seems that solace would be the overall result of the poem/experience, not the launch point.
I surrender and become He.

Outwards is inwards,
Both are neither. It feels like 'inwards is outwards' should be interjected between these two lines.

I am the mirror to my reflections,
Only when to breathe is to die,
Will my eyes be wide.

The source is alive within itself,
Not the contained,
Nor the container,
that which watches both.

Where fire and water find middle ground
Where to be full is to be empty,
Where the purest logic is nonsense, and
Where indifference pierces the heart of distinction. These 3 strophes seem to me an attempt to relay the state of consciousness at which the tension point of paradox is rectified. IMO it comes across more like reading Cliff's notes than imparting wisdom. The piece ends here for me.

The world so small, This is a different vein entirely. You shift back into a physical sheath.
It’s mountains, the toes,
The veil on the cage,
The mind sews.

Summers brightest lights,
Winters heaviest snows,
Still, black nights,
Nature;
the souls clothes

Return,
Brother.
For ours,
Is a house of forgiveness.

Welcome to the Pig, Hulk.