Marking Minutes

[Aish]

It's only 4:05
on Friday
and I miss your face;

the December embers
that introduced us
with heavy fists and microphones

the close cropped crown
I remember as impossible

the mischievous mouth
that bleeds boyish charm
even when achingly stingy.

I long to trace
the quiet lines
only I know are there
etched by phantoms
with tiny daggers.

It's 4:08
on Friday afternoon
and I'm missing
the memory map
of your face.

[billy]

no nits here. okay i have one nit. stanza 2 feels too personal. would it read better if you let the reader into the mic side of it and i suppose the the whole stanza?

other than that i really don't have any nits. each stanza holds up itself and presents some good vignettes. i like the constrict of the clock and how it pulls into such a short space, all thats been said.

thanks for the read

[Wildcard]

This is really good. But then again, that doesn't shock me at all coming from you.

I have a hard time thinking of some of the thoughts this poem conjures without getting a little fucked up emotionally over it and that is obviously a good sign.

It's only 4:05
on Friday
and I miss your face; --I have a very personal connection with this phrase so I am totally biased for it. I can't imagine a better way to start this poem (if I could I would make some money, I think )

the December embers --really cute
that introduced us
with heavy fists and microphones

the close cropped crown
I remember as impossible,

the mischevious mouth -- I thought it was 'mischievous'
that bleeds boyish charm
even when achingly stingy. --I'm not quite connecting to this. I think it may be a bit too ambiguous or maybe I am a bit too re-tard-ed

I long to trace
the quiet lines
only I know are there,
etched by phantoms
with tiny daggers... --nothing constructive. this just made me smile and have a strange desire to forgo the capitalization of the first letter in my sentences

It's 4:08
on Friday afternoon
and I'm missing
the memory map --The only part that I stumbled on. Not the flow- it fits fine, I just wanted something more personal than map here . . . and memory map brings up all sorts of other images that are kind of distracting to me. I love you.
of your face.

All in all I like this very much. In fact, this is the first poem of yours that I've read and connected with on such a personal level. +1 for the share.

[Keith]

I love this, but still reading up on what most of the feedback means, so not qualified to be constructive yet. many thanks for the read.

[MrA]

So, did it actually take three minutes to write it?

I really like the ring of the second stanza and the way it's more suggestive than descriptive. My only critique is the punctuation. You could drop the commas from the end of the lines because the ending of a line is almost a comma itself when read and the ellipse looks a little untidy, just my opinion.
I find this really touching and sad and just the words 'December embers' really got.me.thinking. Embers of a fire show that something is alive and that something is dead or dying.

[Aish]

I want to thank everyone for the smashing feedback, and I do apologize for being damned tardy with my reply.

Billy, what is 'the mic side'???

Mark, I'm tickled pink you identified and liked this piece so much. Typo dually noted and shall be rectified post haste. S4 seems to be problematic as two members have called it out. I will take close look and see what I can do with it. I thought 'memory map' was a bit wonky as well, will put it under the microscope and do better. I love you, too <3
dbshin and TimeOnMyHands, thank you very much for your feedback and taking the time to read me.

Mr.A, punctuation will be pared out, thank you. And yes it really plopped out that quickly.

[billy]

that introduced us
with heavy fists and microphones

i'm figuring it's an internet relation ship in this stanza, i'd have liked to have have seen it expanded upon if only for a few lines more.

[Aish]

It's a real life relationship on the mend. I will see what I can pull out of my arse by way of extra lines.

[billy]

pics or gtfo. oops i went off topic

i don't think it's a necessity but i do think it will add a bit more depth

[Aish]

[Image: http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c216/x.../HUBBS.jpg]

---

Will put some effort into it and hopefully get an edit up soon.

[billy]

w'ere going off topic here but it's a nice pic, though i see nothing coming from your arse

[Aish]

All I did was oblige you (the one time I do and it's off topic, ha).
Coming FROM my arse??? Nope, I'm not taking pics of that

[addy]

Wow, such a lovely couple!

This poem is so great. I was trying to pick out a favorite stanza I could comment on, but found that I liked all of them for different reasons: S2 made me smile, and it set such a vivid scene with so few words. S3, was casually thoughtful, S4 was so affectionate. and S5, it implies scars, pains and sorrows, but never dwells on them; a subtle gesture that chases away ghosts rather than inviting them.

[Aish]

Thank, Addy! And welcome, it's always a pleasure to have you in my little corner I painted for myself.