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used to hang my hat
on what I thought
were good stories
now, far from sober
but not that particular sick
I see a singular
well-worn tale
a different city
another bad-write woman
me, asleep again on the floor
all floors everywhere reach the same height
still
I am leading that same pony
with lame knees
through towns where my credit's no good
too broke
to buy even the shadow of a dazzle
too weak
to shoot that poor horse
I first learned the retroactive lesson
when I heard my paintings cry
laid to rest too long
dying
but I loved them well enough
to slam a four pound sledge
through canvas
sheetrock and security deposit
art is big enough
to remove walls
but life is not
it's too small
with its molehill desires
making mountains of habit
just steep enough
to strip a gun from a man's hand
making an old horse
march on
in misery
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
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(09-30-2012, 01:23 PM)Lightbaron Wrote: used to hang my hat
on what I thought
were good stories
now, far from sober you haven't used grammar so why start here, why not give them separate lines and lose the comma?
but not that particular sick how about italics as bold doesn't travel well should it be copied and pasted
I see a singular
well-worn tale
a different city
another bad-write woman
me, asleep again on the floor
all floors everywhere reach the same height it's clever and funny but it feels a little gimmicky.
still
I am leading that same pony
with lame knees
through towns where my credit's no good
too broke
to buy even the shadow of a dazzle
too weak
to shoot that poor horse
I first learned the retroactive lesson
when I heard my paintings cry
laid to rest too long
dying
but I loved them well enough
to slam a four pound sledge
through canvas
sheetrock and security deposit
art is big enough
to remove walls i like this as an image and as an insight. the painting alluding to the walls removal is solid. i'm sure it wasn't intended but the graffiti on the berlin wall comes to mind.
but life is not
it's too small
with its molehill desires
making mountains of habit i like the reworking of an old cliche
just steep enough
to strip a gun from a mans hand man's
making an old horse this ties in well with the title and
march on
in misery
i like how you thought about the layout; it works for me. while the title and the content use a cliche of a rather large proportion, it's done so in a new way. and it's feels like that was the intent so it's good to go for me.
i like the line
not that particular sick
because it sounds like someone in denial. most of my scribbles about are really small nits to ponder. i enjoyed the piece a lot.
thanks for the read.
Posts: 12
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Joined: Sep 2012
the structural nits were heard and obliged, i thank you kindly for reading and commenting.
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hey lightbaron
some thoughts for you
(09-30-2012, 01:23 PM)Lightbaron Wrote: used to hang my hat
on what I thought
were good stories
now, far from sober
but not that particular sick ...maybe "particular" should be "particularly"?
I see a singular
well-worn tale
a different city
another bad-write woman
me, asleep again on the floor
all floors everywhere reach the same height...this line may show the speaker's habit of sleeping on floors; otherwise, i'm not convinced by the idea just yet
still ....by itself, this feels like it stalls the poem a bit too much
I am leading that same pony
with lame knees ...who has the lame knees? the speaker or the horse?
through towns where my credit's no good
too broke ...how about "too broke to buy even" on the same line, to give some wordplay on "broke"
to buy even the shadow of a dazzle
too weak
to shoot that poor horse
I first learned the retroactive lesson
when I heard my paintings cry
laid to rest too long ...again, not entirely sure who this is describing
dying
but I loved them well enough
to slam a four pound sledge
through canvas
sheetrock and security deposit
art is big enough
to remove walls
but life is not ...this and the line below could be combined: "but life is too small..."
it's too small
with its molehill desires
making mountains of habit ...not sure if you make the cliche new enough
just steep enough
to strip a gun from a man's hand
making an old horse
march on
in misery..enjoyed the return to the horse, but in general i'm struggling a bit with the connections in the piece. I may just need some more reads
hope some of these notes are helpful
Written only for you to consider.
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Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
I really like this piece lightbaron. The narrator's voice is great; it's got a crusty wit to it. I thought most of it was really great.
(09-30-2012, 01:23 PM)Lightbaron Wrote: used to hang my hat
on what I thought
were good stories
now, far from sober
but not that particular sick got confused by the phrasing of this line. Does this mean "not particularly sick"?
I see a singular
well-worn tale
a different city
another bad-write woman
me, asleep again on the floor don't think you need "again"? or maybe say "sleeping" so you can drop the comma. just one thought
all floors everywhere reach the same height
still
I am leading that same pony
with lame knees
through towns where my credit's no good
too broke
to buy even the shadow of a dazzle
too weak
to shoot that poor horse I really liked enjoyed these two couplets. You could break it up "too broke / to buy even / the shadow of dazzle--- too weak / to shoot / that poor horse".... but it's also fine as is
I first learned the retroactive lesson
when I heard my paintings cry
laid to rest too long
dying
but I loved them well enough
to slam a four pound sledge
through canvas
sheetrock and security deposit
art is big enough
to remove walls
but life is not
it's too small
with its molehill desires
making mountains of habit loved this part
just steep enough
to strip a gun from a man's hand
making an old horse
march on
in misery I felt "in misery" was a bit weak, and "march on' would've been much stronger note to end on. How about "miserable old horse", or something like that, if you wish to keep it? Just imo though
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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philatone and addy- thank you for the read and comments. the particular-is a particular sick from drug use...definitely is a minimizing of the far from from sober line. a few of the concerns voiced are being weighed, and again i thank you for them. the last stanza is rubbing me a bit wrong at the moment an may take your advice (addy) on squashing that last line
