Nine Crows

[MrA]

I never told you about the vulture
that cut the sun in half the day we met;
its shadow paved my honest path
and I, with cracked feet and arid eyes,
blindly followed.

Did I mention the nine crows
that perch, sleep and dream of swimming
on the valley's ascending power-lines
with the deep hum of late night television
soothing through their toes?

I will tell your absent ears of the nights
spent picking blood from beneath my nails,
t-shirts drenched in the souls of innocents
granted by empty bottles under boughs
of perched vultures
that are not willing to fly for me, again

and how the crows are always there.

[just mercedes]

I never told you about the vulture
that cut the sun in half the day we met;
its shadow paved my honest path [honest? word choice]
and I, with cracked feet and arid eyes,
blindly followed. [followed blindly]

Did I mention the nine crows
that perch, sleep and dream of swimming
on the valley's ascending power-lines [dangling participle]
with the deep hum of late night television
soothing thought their toes? [through?]

I will tell your absent ears of the nights
spent picking blood from beneath my nails,
t-shirts drenched in the souls of innocents[wearing more than one tshirt?]
granted by empty bottles under boughs
of perched vultures
that are not willing to fly for me, again

and how the crows are always there.

Quite a dark poem! Crows in the wires and vultures in the trees - I like the particular 'things' in your poem, not so keen on the abstract, such as 'souls of innocents'.

Maybe you could cut down on your use of adjectives - there aren't many nouns in your poem without one.

Thank you for the read - I'd love some feedback on my poem in the members only section, if you have time.

[MrA]

Totally forgot about that 'thought', so thanks for noticing. I suppose I meant honest so felt I had to use the word and I'm not much of a fan of ever using the word 'soul' because that's a very tired word, but maybe I was a bit lazy. Thanks for your honesty, just mercedes.

I'll take a look.

[billy]

I never told you about the vulture
that cut the sun in half the day we met; should there be a comma after half?
its shadow paved my honest path
and I, with cracked feet and arid eyes,
blindly followed.

Did I mention the nine crows
that perch, sleep and dream of swimming just a suggestion but would this line work better at the end of the stanza?
on the valley's ascending power-lines
with the deep hum of late night television
soothing through their toes? toes or claws. either way i love the

I will tell your absent ears of the nights
spent picking blood from beneath my nails,
t-shirts drenched in the souls of innocents
granted by empty bottles under boughs
of perched vultures
that are not willing to fly for me, again

and how the crows are always there.

it has a lot of power, and a darker side, that said so has anything with word vultures in it . it feels surreal, as though the 1st person is using a memory in order to survive. some of the images are excellent, specially the 3rd stanza. it's worth a few more reads and i know i'll come back to this one. you didn't leave too much by way of suggestion or constructive feedback so this will have to suffice

thanks for the read.

[addy]

A really nice piece MrA... you used the imagery of birds to ominous effect, but framing it in the story in an almost literal way. It's an old trope written with a fresh perspective. Enjoyed it

I never told you about the vulture
that cut the sun in half the day we met; Great opening
its shadow paved my honest path
and I, with cracked feet and arid eyes,
blindly followed.

Did I mention the nine crows
that perch, sleep and dream of swimming this line is rather awkward and choppy. It might be overloaded
on the valley's ascending power-lines
with the deep hum of late night television
soothing through their toes?

I will tell your absent ears of the nights
spent picking blood from beneath my nails,
t-shirts drenched in the souls of innocents "drenched from innocent souls" sounds like it might flow better, but that's just a suggestion
granted what is granted by bottles? the souls? by empty bottles under boughs
of perched vultures
that are not willing to fly for me, again Again, the flow in this line is rather choppy for me. I think you could rewrite the phrasing somehow: "that will not fly"?? i'm sure you can think of a better alternative, however this is just a suggestion

and how the crows are always there.

[Philatone]

hello MrA
some quick thoughts

I never told you about the vulture
that cut the sun in half the day we met; ...nice image, though what followed in the stanza lost some of the energy (the lines may have been dragged out a big too long)
its shadow paved my honest path
and I, with cracked feet and arid eyes,
blindly followed.

Did I mention the nine crows
that perch, sleep and dream of swimming
on the valley's ascending power-lines
with the deep hum of late night television
soothing through their toes? ...again, i'm liking the imagery. here, the last lines really grab the energy of the stanza

I will tell your absent ears of the nights ...interesting contrast of tenses (the past and the future) in these stanzas' opening lines. "absent" threw me off a bit
spent picking blood from beneath my nails,
t-shirts drenched in the souls of innocents...this line and up to the "bottles" lost me a bit
granted by empty bottles under boughs
of perched vultures
that are not willing to fly for me, again...an entirely aesthetic question: why did this stanza jump to 6 lines instead of 5? Does the last line have to be by itself? though it may work, just having the crows always "hang" around like that...

and how the crows are always there.

hopefully an idea or two can help!

[MrA]

Sorry about the late replies.
Toes are where the meat and bone are and claws are what's attached I believe. That whole second stanza is a question and I'm not sure how it works when changed around; food for thought though.
Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts, Billy.

I never told you about the vulture
that cut the sun in half the day we met; should there be a comma after half?
its shadow paved my honest path
and I, with cracked feet and arid eyes,
blindly followed.

Did I mention the nine crows
that perch, sleep and dream of swimming just a suggestion but would this line work better at the end of the stanza?
on the valley's ascending power-lines
with the deep hum of late night television
soothing through their toes? toes or claws. either way i love the

I will tell your absent ears of the nights
spent picking blood from beneath my nails,
t-shirts drenched in the souls of innocents
granted by empty bottles under boughs
of perched vultures
that are not willing to fly for me, again

and how the crows are always there.

it has a lot of power, and a darker side, that said so has anything with word vultures in it . it feels surreal, as though the 1st person is using a memory in order to survive. some of the images are excellent, specially the 3rd stanza. it's worth a few more reads and i know i'll come back to this one. you didn't leave too much by way of suggestion or constructive feedback so this will have to suffice

thanks for the read.

---

Old trope/fresh perspective? I'll take that as a compliment.
I'll have a look over it taking the overloaded lines and phrasing into account; phrasing especially.
Thank you for your kind feedback, Addy.

A really nice piece MrA... you used the imagery of birds to ominous effect, but framing it in the story in an almost literal way. It's an old trope written with a fresh perspective. Enjoyed it

I never told you about the vulture
that cut the sun in half the day we met; Great opening
its shadow paved my honest path
and I, with cracked feet and arid eyes,
blindly followed.

Did I mention the nine crows
that perch, sleep and dream of swimming this line is rather awkward and choppy. It might be overloaded
on the valley's ascending power-lines
with the deep hum of late night television
soothing through their toes?

I will tell your absent ears of the nights
spent picking blood from beneath my nails,
t-shirts drenched in the souls of innocents "drenched from innocent souls" sounds like it might flow better, but that's just a suggestion
granted what is granted by bottles? the souls? by empty bottles under boughs
of perched vultures
that are not willing to fly for me, again Again, the flow in this line is rather choppy for me. I think you could rewrite the phrasing somehow: "that will not fly"?? i'm sure you can think of a better alternative, however this is just a suggestion

and how the crows are always there.

---

Yeah, the stanzas were intended to have different tenses, maybe it's a little awkward for the reader.
I wasn't calculating lines. Just luck that the first two had five lines. Depending on the form I'll watch the lines and everything else but these days I'm mainly writing free or blank verse. I think the last line is strong enough to stand alone and requires that emphasis.
Thanks for the feedback, Philatone.

hello MrA
some quick thoughts

I never told you about the vulture
that cut the sun in half the day we met; ...nice image, though what followed in the stanza lost some of the energy (the lines may have been dragged out a big too long)
its shadow paved my honest path
and I, with cracked feet and arid eyes,
blindly followed.

Did I mention the nine crows
that perch, sleep and dream of swimming
on the valley's ascending power-lines
with the deep hum of late night television
soothing through their toes? ...again, i'm liking the imagery. here, the last lines really grab the energy of the stanza

I will tell your absent ears of the nights ...interesting contrast of tenses (the past and the future) in these stanzas' opening lines. "absent" threw me off a bit
spent picking blood from beneath my nails,
t-shirts drenched in the souls of innocents...this line and up to the "bottles" lost me a bit
granted by empty bottles under boughs
of perched vultures
that are not willing to fly for me, again...an entirely aesthetic question: why did this stanza jump to 6 lines instead of 5? Does the last line have to be by itself? though it may work, just having the crows always "hang" around like that...

and how the crows are always there.

hopefully an idea or two can help!

[billy]

well pointed out on the toe thing. i'm just used to my own