Chrysalis

[Lightbaron]

they say
put the pen down
euthanize it.
Never wrote right
anyhow, they say
it dries up
or spills
is unpredictable
and unreliable.
Ain't worth its weight
in chewed up plastic
they say.
Sure
I'll admit
she's been funny
near troublesome.
Stays up late, drunken, unintelligible.
Stays in bed, hardly awakens for work
and only dots i's when it's convenient.
But
I am missing matches
and sandpaper
hear scratching
and smell sulfur.
If I didn't know no better
I would think she's becoming
a zipgun.

[billy]

Hi Lb thanks for the first poem

they say
put the pen down i think if you swapped L1 and two about, you'd have a stronger opening
euthanize it.
Never wrote right i like the sounds of wrote and right playing off each other
anyhow, they say
it dries up
or spills
is unpredictable
and unreliable.
Ain't worth its weight
in chewed up plastic
they say.
Sure
I'll admit
she's been funny
near troublesome.
Stays up late, drunken, unintelligible.
Stays in bed, hardly awakens for work
and only dots i's when it's convenient.
But you could make the but pop buy putting a line space above and below it.
I am missing matches
and sandpaper
hear scratching
and smell sulfur.
If I didn't know no better
I would think she's becoming
a zipgun. i enjoyed the ending a lot.

would the lines connected to they say add something more if they were italicised or placed in quotes? the lead up to the end was great. it was a fun poem about an inanimate object that was brought to life through it's user. (it is called anthropomorphism?) if i was that pen getting all the blame i'd turn myself into a zipgun as well.

thanks for the read

[addy]

I enjoyed the read a lot . Love the narrative voice. i think billy covered the bases with his critique... "But" hangs oddly because it isn't normally a standalone thing, but a break would help that. Also, I think there are one-too-many "they says' (just one ... overall they work well) but again, italicizing it could help.

Thanks for sharing

[Aish]

Hi, LB.

Your title intrigues me. If the author is ensconced in a chrysalis and the pen is a tool for automatic writing, what sort of metamorphosis is underway? The end suggests a volitile awakening
Still enjoying the aftertaste.
Agree with the points mentioned above.

[Philatone]

hello lightbaron!

some quick thoughts
-i think the one word lines could be dropped
-i'm at odds with the "they". part of me feels like it could be lost; maybe italics used to show a separate train of thought or outside speech. "Put the pen down" and gets into the "euthanasia" pun sooner; it's is a much more active opening than "they say", which offers nothing new
-descriptions werre fitting and good; I enjoyed. the "sulfur" lost me a little thought

[Lightbaron]

Much thanks to everyone on the feedback, specifically the structural notes. Everything well weighed, and appreciated.
Might as well take the opportunity to say howdy as newcomer to this community...hello, I am lightbaron and I'm an alco..oh sorry wrong group. Sincere hey o's anyway.

[billy]

><><><

[addy]

LOL Great having you and your poetry with us lightbaron

[Indie]

Hey LB I have to agree with Billy on this one regarding L1 and L2, at the moment it has a passive voice.

they say
put the pen down
euthanize it.
Never wrote right
anyhow, they sayhere I'd break it up a little, move "they say to the next line
it dries up
or spills
is unpredictable
and unreliable. IMO is punchier if you remove the "and"
Ain't worth its weight
in chewed up plastic
they say.
Sure
I'll admit
she's been funny
near troublesome.
Stays up late, drunken, unintelligible. drunk instead of drunken maybe
Stays in bed, hardly awakens for work again with the n ending
and only dots i's when it's convenient.
But
I am missing matches
and sandpaper
hear scratching
and smell sulfur.
If I didn't know no better
I would think she's becoming
a zipgun.

I like this one, a kind of introspective commentary. Hope this helps.

Peace, Indie