I've Always Wanted a Pig Farm:

[billy]

Ever been on a cross
country walk with pig shite
slapping you round
like an old punchy boxer
you lift a farm gate
instantly you're carried
two miles over meadows
wild flowers and rape
seeded carpets irrigated
by shallow rills criss-crossing
open veins bleeding out
a not unpleasant stench
flies from a sloppy sty
perfume of pig pleasantly pastes
its Eau de toilette on the sinus
a slight heady spell signals
the onslaught of choke
gag reflex kicks in
as throat expands
expelling mushy bits of carrot
peas and cabbage you had for dinner
the countryside
the porkers arse
what a grand experience.

[rowens]

"a slight heady spell signals
the onslaught of choke
gag reflex kicks in
as throat expands
expelling"

That part works with the rest of the poem, but it doesn't work well with why I personally like everything up to that point. The flow of images breaks down and throws up over itself, and you can get the effect. If only it went on a bit longer before it happened. Like if it had a stronger stomach, enough for a few more lines or details.

[addy]

I really like the descriptions in this... it paints a very earthy picture. At some points I got the impression that you were holding back, though? Phrasing like "A not unpleasant stench..." or "a slight heady spell..." sounded like you were toning things down, though why I'm not sure.

[billy]

"a slight heady spell signals
the onslaught of choke
gag reflex kicks in
as throat expands
expelling"

That part works with the rest of the poem, but it doesn't work well with why I personally like everything up to that point. The flow of images breaks down and throws up over itself, and you can get the effect. If only it went on a bit longer before it happened. Like if it had a stronger stomach, enough for a few more lines or details.

thanks for the feedback rowen, i'll have a solid look at it during the week.

---

I really like the descriptions in this... it paints a very earthy picture. At some points I got the impression that you were holding back, though? Phrasing like "A not unpleasant stench..." or "a slight heady spell..." sounded like you were toning things down, though why I'm not sure.

you make a valid point addy, i'm going to see if i can do something with it in a while.
thanks for the feedback

[popeye]

Like your sty.... le billy, ever notice that there is always carrots and peas in a chunder, whether you ate them before hand or not!!

[Philatone]

ey billy!
my thoughts for you

Ever been on a cross...maybe radical, but i think you could delete this line, title the piece "Cross country walk", and open with "with pig shite". the poem doesn't really start until the next line
country walk with pig shite
slapping you round
like an old punchy boxer
you lift a farm gate...not sure why, but this is one of my favorite lines of the piece. it gives action in a piece of description
instantly you're carried
two miles over meadows
wild flowers and rape
seeded carpets irrigated
by shallow rills criss-crossing
open veins bleeding out
a not unpleasant stench...whereas this is one of my least favorite; it breaks from the style of the piece
flies from a sloppy sty
perfume of pig pleasantly pastes
its Eau de toilette on the sinus
a slight heady spell signals
the onslaught of choke
gag reflex kicks in
as throat expands
expelling mushy bits of carrot
peas and cabbage you had for dinner
the countryside
the porkers arse
what a grand experience....another idea: "the grand experience" to give you some parallel structure

i like this...it bogs you in the very details that consume the speaker

[heslopian]

Ever been on a cross
country walk with pig shite
slapping you round
like an old punchy boxer
you lift a farm gate
instantly you're carried
two miles over meadows
wild flowers and rape Did you mean to leave "rape" on its own here, or were you just trying to preserve a symmetrical line length? I ask because I'm not sure if the effect this line creates is intentional or not. It made me slow down while reading to stop and consider it, making sure you didn't mean rape as in the crime.
seeded carpets irrigated
by shallow rills criss-crossing
open veins bleeding out
a not unpleasant stench
flies from a sloppy sty
perfume of pig pleasantly pastes
its Eau de toilette on the sinus
a slight heady spell signals
the onslaught of choke
gag reflex kicks in
as throat expands
expelling mushy bits of carrot
peas and cabbage you had for dinner
the countryside
the porkers arse "Porker's".
what a grand experience.

Good poem Bilbo I like how it creates a rushing series of gross images, so the reader's senses almost respond to it.

[Wildcard]

Billy you write a lot of gross poems

Ever been on a cross --I like the beginning, but think you need a hyphen here.
country walk with pig shite
slapping you round
like an old punchy boxer --Slowly winds up and by pig shit is going very well. I think maybe you could condense these 4 lines to three jmo
you lift a farm gate
instantly you're carried
two miles over meadows
wild flowers and rape -- I don't know rape as a flower, but even after Googling I feel that it adds nothing to the poem.
seeded carpets irrigated
by shallow rills criss-crossing --This might be an AmE,BrE thing, but crisscrossing isn't hyphenated here.
open veins bleeding out
a not unpleasant stench -- least favorite line. I stumbled. Sorry but I don't have any immediate sugestions.
flies from a sloppy sty
perfume of pig pleasantly pastes
its Eau de toilette on the sinus --solid grin here Nicely done, sir.
a slight heady spell signals
the onslaught of choke -- Without puncuation going from 'choke' to 'gag' is somewhat clunky.
gag reflex kicks in
as throat expands
expelling mushy bits of carrot
peas and cabbage you had for dinner
the countryside
the porkers arse
what a grand experience. --Maybe instead of the closing line being a comment on the two previous things mentioned you would be better served by making it the an equation countryside+porker's ass=the grand experience of it all.

I really don't like gross stuff normally (unless I write it :p ) but this is one I will revisit.

Thanks for sharing.

[rowens]

I find the "rape seeded carpet" line intriguing because it adds to the nauseous feeling that's being expressed. I think that sensations like that are what make this a good poem. But like I said earlier, I think it would do better to express more queasy lines, because I simply think it's possible, and interesting, to do so.

[billy]

as an explanation; rape is a crop commonely called rapeseed i enjambed it in order to add rape as a product of what we do to the land. i'll mull over if it works or not when i do the edit, at present i'm trying to sort out some resources for the forum. (see the announcement forum )