Unloading:

[billy]

When skimming flattened pebbles from the land
the angle of descent should be acute.
And never throw at row boats if they're manned;
but if you do it, do it quick, then scoot.

You can't fly kites up high, or race the dog
when skimming flattened pebbles from the land
'cos slinging stones should be a lonesome slog.
Those kinds of things should never be on hand.

At times of stress when nothing goes as planned;
if you have problems large, or by the score
when skimming flattened pebbles from the land
the buggers often sink into the shore.

So dig your toes into the sand below
and with the shiny rock at your command.
Let loose the missile, sling away your woe
when skimming flattened pebbles from the land.

[Philatone]

hey billy!

When skimming flattened pebbles from the land
the angle of descent should be acute.
And never throw at row boats if they're manned;
but if you do it, do it quick, then scoot. ...get the idea, but the flow doesn't really sit well with me with the "do it quick"; also, it takes away from the line above with the contradiction

You can't fly kites up high, or race the dog
when skimming flattened pebbles from the land
'cos slinging stones should be a lonesome slog.....the "lonesome" makes me question the "kite" imagery (even the dog, though i guess you can argue that a dog makes for company). why does a kite have to be with others? I'm just struggling with the thoughts that lead up to this line; the ideas strike me as a bit random and i don't know where they came from
Those kinds of things should never be on hand....."those kinds of things" also felt a bit too general, but that's just personal taste

At times of stress when nothing goes as planned;...need the semicolon?
if you have problems large, or by the score
when skimming flattened pebbles from the land
the buggers often sink into the shore....again, with these three lines, i understand the intention, but the syntax seems a bit weird. the transition from line 2 to line 3 feels weak, if there even is one. i think it's the "when" throwing things off. it's ashame, because i think the last two lines work well independent of the rest of the stanza.

So dig your toes into the sand below
and with the shiny rock at your command....need the period
Let loose the missile, sling away your woe...perhaps the opening two words (let loose) each deserve a stress; they messed up the meter for me. not sure if that's a problem
when skimming flattened pebbles from the land.

i like the ideas more than the result; i think syntax and punctuation suffered a bit, but that is only my take. thanks for the read!

[billy]

thanks for the feedback geoff, i'll take a look at it and see if there's anything i can do

[tectak]

When skimming flattened pebbles from the land
the angle of descent should be acute.
And never throw at row boats if they're manned;
but if you do it, do it quick, then scoot.but if you do, then then do it quick and scoot


When skimming flattened pebbles from the land
You can't fly kites up high, or race the dog
Those kinds of things should never be on hand.
'cos slinging stones should be a lonesome slog.apologies for changing this verse. I did it before I saw your intent. That hand line is awkward

At times of stress when nothing goes as planned;
if you have problems large, or by the score
when skimming flattened pebbles from the land
the buggers often sink into the shore.

So dig your toes into the sand below
and with the shiny rock at your command.
Let loose the missile, sling away your woe
when skimming flattened pebbles from the land.

Alright, alright I missed the point but the point is pointless. The poem is much much much better than the structure. Its a personal thing but I am not keen on verse that racks itself for no reason other than it is a good exercise. Still, a good exercise
Best,
tectak

[billy]

thanks for the feedback tom. the scoot line suggested works for me

apology unnecessary


casting pebbles in connection with problems; they problems sink away as you throw the pebbles, a meditative thing i guess.
the point was about being alone and working through one's problems. kites with dogs are a happy pastime and not conducive to retrospection. look at me everyone trying to explain it and digging myself a hole
yes...it should have been better presented if the above were my intent

thanks for the truth that it was basically a good exercise