Soul Trader (2011 rev. 2012)

[tectak]

Swallows dawn upon black wires
to rest from winters far away.
Year on year I watch them, each like each in every way.
Not so with us, we make each day a journey,
returning every daybreak to our lives;
but you and I, days into years, are dying.
The swallows though, stay slick and bright of eye.
Are they the same bright eyes you saw last summer?
Or did the one you thought you knew fly by?

And is the one so very like another
that difference makes no matter in the round;
and broken winged, the one you thought familiar,
is fallen and lies dead on foreign ground?

There is a starved and hollow man, a father;
his children are the hungrier by their lives.
You see the bundled rags which was their mother,
and but for death, the walking widowed wives.
Yet here I sit, and mindful of the image,
the constant swallow swoops into my view;
but is it he, the one I knew was flying
back from that wasted, hot and sterile land?
And do the men of cloth and sticks still lie there
with neither wings to fly nor strength to stand?

And is one man so very like another,
that difference makes no matter in the round?
And is it he, the one you thought you cried for,
or just another, dead upon the ground.



Tectak 2011 (rev 1 2012)

Originally posted in another place but considered then unworthy. This is a rework prompted by heslopian's "Countless". Thanks for the prod, Jack. I hope I am worthy.

[Philatone]

hey tec!
for this piece, i think i'm liking the idea and elements of the piece a bit more than the overall execution. I'll try to explain.

Swallows dawn upon black wires...I like "dawn", though it can be a bit fuzzy to imagine. I think I have your idea in mind
to rest from winters far away....simple, but i enjoyed. the idea of winter causing exhaustion works in a lot of ways
Year on year I watch them, each like each in every way.
Not so with us, we make each day a journey,...as an alternative: could place a period after "us"
returning every daybreak to our lives;
but you and I, days into years, are dying....I understand, but "days into years" could be adjusted/ strengthened. With the "you and I", I expected some kind of image to compare these subjects to
The swallows though, stay slick and bright of eye....another comma before "though"
Are they the same bright eyes you saw last summer?
Or did the one you thought you knew fly by?...not exactly the prettiest line. the vagueness of the you and "the one" do not help.

And is the one so very like another...just to express my expectation: I thought the questions were finished after the previous stanza
that difference makes no matter in the round;
and broken winged, the one you thought familiar,...again, this line seems more focused on getting the reader to understand than the actual content. perhaps too direct; the description "one you thought familiar" dragged me out of the imagery
is fallen and lies dead on foreign ground?

There is a starved and hollow man, a father;...this has no transition to ease into the stanza
his children are the hungrier by their lives.
You see the bundled rags which was their mother,.."were" their mother? rags is the subject
and but for death, the walking widowed wives.
Yet here I sit, and mindful of the image,... "image" is a bit weak;would be stronger to just describe the image itself
the constant swallow swoops into my view;
but is it he, the one I knew was flying
back from that wasted, hot and sterile land?....perhaps i am missing something, but i though this bird was escaping winter?
And do the men of cloth and sticks still lie there
with neither wings to fly nor strength to stand?

And is one man so very like another,
that difference makes no matter in the round?
And is it he, the one you thought you cried for,
or just another, dead upon the ground.



Tectak 2011 (rev 1 2012)

Originally posted in another place but considered then unworthy. This is a rework prompted by heslopian's "Countless". Thanks for the prod, Jack. I hope I am worthy.

see if any of those thoughts resonate with you. understand if none are agreeable

[billy]

his children are the hungrier by their lives.
was the line i struggled with, i read it more than once to get it to work in order for me to carry on.
i get the feeling of a soldier's tale. i like the use of metaphor to depict how it was, (winter of our discontent though i like yours better, though both winters are wars.)
i think the question marks need sorting out on lines 8,9,10.

other than that, i think you did a good job on it tom.

[tectak]

hey tec!
for this piece, i think i'm liking the idea and elements of the piece a bit more than the overall execution. I'll try to explain.

Swallows dawn upon black wires...I like "dawn", though it can be a bit fuzzy to imagine. I think I have your idea in mind
to rest from winters far away....simple, but i enjoyed. the idea of winter causing exhaustion works in a lot of ways
Year on year I watch them, each like each in every way.
Not so with us, we make each day a journey,...as an alternative: could place a period after "us"
returning every daybreak to our lives;
but you and I, days into years, are dying....I understand, but "days into years" could be adjusted/ strengthened. With the "you and I", I expected some kind of image to compare these subjects to
The swallows though, stay slick and bright of eye....another comma before "though"
Are they the same bright eyes you saw last summer?
Or did the one you thought you knew fly by?...not exactly the prettiest line. the vagueness of the you and "the one" do not help.

And is the one so very like another...just to express my expectation: I thought the questions were finished after the previous stanza
that difference makes no matter in the round;
and broken winged, the one you thought familiar,...again, this line seems more focused on getting the reader to understand than the actual content. perhaps too direct; the description "one you thought familiar" dragged me out of the imagery
is fallen and lies dead on foreign ground?

There is a starved and hollow man, a father;...this has no transition to ease into the stanza
his children are the hungrier by their lives.
You see the bundled rags which was their mother,.."were" their mother? rags is the subject
and but for death, the walking widowed wives.
Yet here I sit, and mindful of the image,... "image" is a bit weak;would be stronger to just describe the image itself
the constant swallow swoops into my view;
but is it he, the one I knew was flying
back from that wasted, hot and sterile land?....perhaps i am missing something, but i though this bird was escaping winter?
And do the men of cloth and sticks still lie there
with neither wings to fly nor strength to stand?

And is one man so very like another,
that difference makes no matter in the round?
And is it he, the one you thought you cried for,
or just another, dead upon the ground.



Tectak 2011 (rev 1 2012)

Originally posted in another place but considered then unworthy. This is a rework prompted by heslopian's "Countless". Thanks for the prod, Jack. I hope I am worthy.

see if any of those thoughts resonate with you. understand if none are agreeable

Hi Phil.
There is a whole lot wrong with this piece. I am sticking with it since Heslopian posted a poem which echoed some of the thoughts I have tried to get across. ALL of your points will be taken into account in the edit. I am finding it very difficult to align my basic tenet with the two "tales". Swallows( (and spiders, flies, penguins, goldfis..you name it) look alike and die prolifically, are rehatched as more of the same but who the hell notices the difference....men and children die prolifically, are rebirthed as more of the same, but who the hell notices the difference. Its just one soul following another....we never seem to run out!
Best,
tectak

---

his children are the hungrier by their lives.
was the line i struggled with, i read it more than once to get it to work in order for me to carry on.
i get the feeling of a soldier's tale. i like the use of metaphor to depict how it was, (winter of our discontent though i like yours better, though both winters are wars.)
i think the question marks need sorting out on lines 8,9,10.

other than that, i think you did a good job on it tom.

Billy,
more will follow. Thanks for this.
Children hungrier by their lives is simple...I don't do complicated. Too many children alive....not enough food to go round. The more there are the hungrier they get. See reply to phil.
Busy,
Best,
tectak

[billy]

so i was wrong about soldiers and wars

i still enjoyed it