RE: Swimming in the Dordogne.FINAL edit plus a bit from penguin

[tectak]

At Port Limeuil the Vezaire`s swell cold-shoulders the Dordogne,
a snub that causes confluence where these old rivers join.
The long cast heat from promised sun puts mist and midge to flight;
and hirondelles from honeyed arch, erupt into the light.
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale
and heavy lies the vapour on the Dordogne`s twisting trail.
She steps into the silky flow, on stones like warm goose eggs,
each algae-skinned in soft cat’s ears. Cool water shivers legs
and tendrilled, stretched, green tresses lightly brush her dappled loins;
as languidly she lowers herself... and swims in the Dordogne.

tectak
Limeuil, France 2012

Thanks to all who workshopped this effort......and the makers of San Miguel beer.

[billy]

thanks fully the original isn't far away
the as does the make the meter better and the read,
it's tight enough for me as was TOM but any improvement is always worth it .

[penguin]

A fine rhythm throughout, very nice opening couplet.

The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight;
- I'd prefer "puts mist and midge to flight".

From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale - 2nd half doesn't sound right. Could you not say "stout eucalyptus' sweet oiled breath exhale"?

She steps into the silky flow, on stones like warm goose eggs, - I can see they might look like goose eggs but if you're stepping on them surely they'll crack.

Despite which it's a lovely poem.

Ray

[tectak]

A fine rhythm throughout, very nice opening couplet.

The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight;
- I'd prefer "puts mist and midge to flight".

From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale - 2nd half doesn't sound right. Could you not say "stout eucalyptus' sweet oiled breath exhale"?

She steps into the silky flow, on stones like warm goose eggs, - I can see they might look like goose eggs but if you're stepping on them surely they'll crack.

Despite which it's a lovely poem.

Ray

Thanks for this Ray. Yes to "puts". Will credit you
"Eucalypt" is the correct generic name and pluralises to Eucalypts.
I only said they were "like" goose eggs! The actual descriptive analogy only extends to shape and size....metaphors are like that "the moon was like an edam cheese......." Well, it may look like Edam cheese but surely it would melt in the sun. Oui?
Best
tectak