Swimming in the Dordogne

[tectak]

edit 1. Thanks Leanne.

At low Limeuil the Vezaire`s swell cold-shoulders the Dordogne,
enough to force a confluence where these old rivers join.
The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight ;
and hirondelles from honeyed arch, erupt into the light.
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale
and heavy lies the vapour on the Dordogne`s twisting trail.
She steps into the silky flow, on stones like warm goose eggs,
each algae-skinned in soft cat`s ears. Cool water shivers legs
and tendrilled, stretched, green tresses lightly brush her dappled loins;
as languidly she lowers herself... and swims in the Dordogne.

tectak
Limeuil, France 2012

[rowens]

Apart from how most would prefer shorter lines and a more vertical pace, I do enjoy plump little poems with images like this, that have a thick feel, and very subtle movement. Personally I don't pay much attention to rhyme. I like images to creep over my skin more than to soar on musical heights. Sometimes and sometimes not. I even like the "she lowers itself", but I need to read this again later. Then maybe I can say some more.

[Leanne]

You know, I'm not even going to hassle you about inverted syntax -- this is the kind of poem it works in, with the images twisting around very nicely and the structure of the poem itself mirroring the ebb and flow of the waters. Holidays do wonders for your writing!

At old Limeuil the Vezaire`s swell cold-shoulders the Dordogne,
enough to force a confluence where two old rivers join.
The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight ;
and hirondelle from honeyed arch, erupt into the light. -- why the comma?
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale
and heavy lies the vapor on the Dordogne`s twisting trail. -- why the American spelling of vapour? :p
She steps into the silky flow, on stones of warm goose eggs,
each algae-skinned in soft cat`s ears. Cool water shivers legs
and tendrilled, stretched, green tresses lightly brush on dappled loins;
Languidly she lowers itself... and swims in the Dordogne. -- this is the only line I lose your superb meter on, as "languidly" begins on a hard stress and the rest of the lines are soft. My choice would be to stick in an "as", "so" or "and" to start the line.

tectak
Limeuil, France 2012

[tectak]

You know, I'm not even going to hassle you about inverted syntax -- this is the kind of poem it works in, with the images twisting around very nicely and the structure of the poem itself mirroring the ebb and flow of the waters. Holidays do wonders for your writing!

At old Limeuil the Vezaire`s swell cold-shoulders the Dordogne,
enough to force a confluence where two old rivers join.
The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight ;
and hirondelle from honeyed arch, erupt into the light. -- why the comma?
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale
and heavy lies the vapor on the Dordogne`s twisting trail. -- why the American spelling of vapour? :p
She steps into the silky flow, on stones of warm goose eggs,
each algae-skinned in soft cat`s ears. Cool water shivers legs
and tendrilled, stretched, green tresses lightly brush on dappled loins;
Languidly she lowers itself... and swims in the Dordogne. -- this is the only line I lose your superb meter on, as "languidly" begins on a hard stress and the rest of the lines are soft. My choice would be to stick in an "as", "so" or "and" to start the line.

tectak
Limeuil, France 2012

Thanks Leanne. This was written in situ and it was hot. It was to be longer but a beer called and I lost the moment. That comma. Why is it there? Well, in the witty reply by the gritty Ms. Greer when asked why she had no children......I thought about it.
Vapour is a typo as was "lowers itself" instead of herself.
The rest is history. Re. the syntax inverted. I neither avoid it nor espouse it. If the piece can take it I use it. Too much, though, is too much.
Best,
tectak

---

Apart from how most would prefer shorter lines and a more vertical pace, I do enjoy plump little poems with images like this, that have a thick feel, and very subtle movement. Personally I don't pay much attention to rhyme. I like images to creep over my skin more than to soar on musical heights. Sometimes and sometimes not. I even like the "she lowers itself", but I need to read this again later. Then maybe I can say some more.

1

Thanks for your courtesy. I like rhyme in rhyming verse but not in prose! Sorry to disavow you of "she lowers itself" It was a typo.
I wanted to make more of this but it was written in real time and I got called away by a cold beer. I may have another go at it but not if the crits say enough is enough. I don't kow tow but consensus is a powerful thing
Best,
tectak

[billy]

edit 1. Thanks Leanne.

At old Limeuil the Vezaire`s swell cold-shoulders the Dordogne, while i worked out where it was i still had to google the lim vez part
enough to force a confluence where two old rivers join.
The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight ;
and hirondelle from honeyed arch, erupt into the light. a great image
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale
and heavy lies the vapour on the Dordogne`s twisting trail.
She steps into the silky flow, on stones of warm goose eggs,
each algae-skinned in soft cat`s ears. Cool water shivers legs
and tendrilled, stretched, green tresses lightly brush on dappled loins;
as languidly she lowers herself... and swims in the Dordogne.

tectak
Limeuil, France 2012

i mentioned one great image in the body of the poem but there are lots. the rhyme was excellent and unnoticed, (except that i looked to see if it did indeed rhyme.) i had no trouble with the repetition of dardogne which i think worked really well. the meter is really good and i flowed through the poem like the lazy river. the last line wraps it up and puts an almost perfect poem (for me) to bed.

thanks for the read

good to see you back, it reads like you had a great time

[rowens]

I really wanted to read this poem again today, and talk about it. But now I'm drunk, and'll probably say something that beats enjoying your typos. So I'll wait a little longer and read it again. I just got a few dollars in my pocket, so I bought my friend and me dinner and lots of wine for the first time in a month, but this has nothing to do with this poem, so I'd better shut up. I think "written in real time and I got called away by a cold beer" inspired this post.

[tectak]

edit 1. Thanks Leanne.

At old Limeuil the Vezaire`s swell cold-shoulders the Dordogne, while i worked out where it was i still had to google the lim vez part
enough to force a confluence where two old rivers join.
The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight ;
and hirondelle from honeyed arch, erupt into the light. a great image
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale
and heavy lies the vapour on the Dordogne`s twisting trail.
She steps into the silky flow, on stones of warm goose eggs,
each algae-skinned in soft cat`s ears. Cool water shivers legs
and tendrilled, stretched, green tresses lightly brush on dappled loins;
as languidly she lowers herself... and swims in the Dordogne.


tectak
Limeuil, France 2012

i mentioned one great image in the body of the poem but there are lots. the rhyme was excellent and unnoticed, (except that i looked to see if it did indeed rhyme.) i had no trouble with the repetition of dardogne which i think worked really well. the meter is really good and i flowed through the poem like the lazy river. the last line wraps it up and puts an almost perfect poem (for me) to bed.

thanks for the read

good to see you back, it reads like you had a great time

Yep, billy, some like it hot but not me. Been here many times. Google images of Limeuil if you want to see the place. I have tweeked it in the first posting. Nothing of great consequence has been changed. I wrote a load of stuff here, but like holiday bought bottles of wine.....they didn't travel well.
Some good memories of du grande mammaries,though.
Best,
tectak

[rowens]

The rhyme and meter stand out a lot more for me this time. Only now that I'm riding the music, when I get to "Cool water shivers legs" I start to dread how I can see there's only two more lines left to go.

[tectak]

At Port Limeuil the Vezaire`s swell cold-shoulders the Dordogne,
a snub that causes confluence where these old rivers join.
The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight;
and hirondelles from honeyed arch, erupt into the light.
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale
and heavy lies the vapour on the Dordogne`s twisting trail.
She steps into the silky flow, on stones like warm goose eggs,
each algae-skinned in soft cat’s ears. Cool water shivers legs
and tendrilled, stretched, green tresses lightly brush her dappled loins;
as languidly she lowers herself... and swims in the Dordogne.

tectak
Limeuil, France 2012

Thanks to all who workshopped this effort......and the makers of San Miguel beer.

[billy]

all hail San Miguel