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08-27-2012, 06:22 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-30-2012, 10:21 AM by billy.)
Racism:
Some of us are more
than some of the others.
Some of you are worse.
When it comes to who's the best
just ask yourself;
Are you white?
edit on the fly, thanks to geoff's input. also thanks the to tecktak for the laugh
Quote:Original:
Where Do You Stand?
Racism:
Some of us are more
than some of the others are.
Some of you are worse than the others.
If it comes to who's the best
just ask yourself this;
Are you white?
I don't think race is as strong an issue, except for weak stomach bigots that can't deal with the physicality. Culture is where most of the problems come from, unless race includes that. The poem seems only to be sardonically making a statement.
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i suppose it is attempting to be sardonic.
thanks for the feedback rowens.
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In certain areas, its tricky to extricate race from culture (is anti-semitism a race thing or a culture thing?)
Not the most elegant poem (L4 is a bit of a rehash of L2 and L3), but it's not meant to be; it makes itself pretty damn clear, which I do like. Thanks for the read.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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hey billy
bit of a message here, so i don't feel right making comments on the poem. however, some suggestions did not escape me
(08-27-2012, 06:22 PM)billy Wrote: Racism:
Some of us are more
than some of the others are....don't think you need the "are". if you could find a way to parallel the structure of the first line ("some of ______" to match the "some of us") it would reinforce the structure/ pattern
Some of you are worse than the others....again, I think you could cut "than the others"
If it comes to who's the best
just ask yourself this;...here, i think you could either chop the "this" or the line entirely. it would make the ending more dramatic
Are you white?
sorry for so much trimming, but i really think it could bring out something strong
Written only for you to consider.
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(08-27-2012, 06:22 PM)billy Wrote: Racism:
Some of us are more
than some of the others are.
Some of you are worse than the others.
If it comes to who's the best
just ask yourself this;
Are you white?
Or are you Wong?
My end is better than your end
Best and back (no not black...BACK)
tectak
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08-30-2012, 10:15 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-30-2012, 10:16 AM by billy.)
(08-28-2012, 12:45 PM)Philatone Wrote: hey billy
bit of a message here, so i don't feel right making comments on the poem. however, some suggestions did not escape me
(08-27-2012, 06:22 PM)billy Wrote: Racism:
Some of us are more
than some of the others are....don't think you need the "are". if you could find a way to parallel the structure of the first line ("some of ______" to match the "some of us") it would reinforce the structure/ pattern
Some of you are worse than the others....again, I think you could cut "than the others"
If it comes to who's the best
just ask yourself this;...here, i think you could either chop the "this" or the line entirely. it would make the ending more dramatic
Are you white?
sorry for so much trimming, but i really think it could bring out something strong
thanks geoff, some good suggestions which i'll use.
(08-30-2012, 12:06 AM)tectak Wrote: (08-27-2012, 06:22 PM)billy Wrote: Racism:
Some of us are more
than some of the others are.
Some of you are worse than the others.
If it comes to who's the best
just ask yourself this;
Are you white?
Or are you Wong?
My end is better than your end
Best and back (no not black...BACK)
tectak
fuck orf
