Edges of the Wind (trying a form poem)

[raymond trevitt]

Hiding in the corners of the evening,
sheltered by the edges of the wind,
searching for that something to believe in,
searching for the will to live again.

In the coldest corners of November
when Autumn seeks her shelter in the ice,
then I'll find a reason to remember
the darkness of the shadows cast at night.

Whate'er the reason that you chose to give
up the empty beauty where you hide,
It was there I knew the reason that I lived
remembering the shadows cast inside.

But in the silence of the ending day
on faithless tides I watched you slip away.

[Philatone]

hey ray.


i like the sonnet you have here. in general, i think you spice up the form with some more enjambment and finding ways to not end-stop your lines (e.g., all of your punctuation is coming at the end of your lines. finding ways to end sentences mid-line would make the regularity of the form a little less noticeable). some more-specific thoughts

Hiding in the corners of the evening,
sheltered by the edges of the wind,
searching for that something to believe in,
searching for the will to live again....this stanza, while it paints some nice images, has no subject and no verb---no semblance of a sentence. it sets a stage, but really that is it.

In the coldest corners of November
when Autumn seeks her shelter in the ice, ...very nitpicky, but I wasn't fond the "the". What ice? Why so specific? maybe a "his" instead would contrast the feminine "autumn" with the masculine "november" (you could also make it a "her", but then you could get into pronoun problems).
there I'll find a reason to remember,...don't need the comma
the beauty of the shadows cast at night.

Whatever the reason that you chose to give...til this point, the meter has been pretty good by my watch. this line, though, bumbles up a bit with "Whatever the" and the "that". could probably get rid of the "the"
up the empty beauty where you hide,...you did just use the word "beauty"
It was there i knew the reason that I lived capital "i". maybe "then" for "there"?
remembering the shadows cast inside.

But in the beauty of the ending day...more "beauty"?
on faithless tides i watched you slip away...."faithless tides" eluded me a bit

had to this a bit faster than I would have liked, but wanted to share some general ideas. hope one or two can help

[billy]

Hiding in the corners of the evening,
sheltered by the edges of the wind, i like the image here though i think it needs an extra foot, 'and' at the beginning would be a suggestion.
searching for that something to believe in, 'while' would add that extra foot though i'm not sure at the meter. also verges on cliche.
searching for the will to live again. 'i'm' maybe help again with the extra foot but still not wise enough to help with the meter.

In the coldest corners of November i like the line a lot.
when Autumn seeks her shelter in the ice, good personification
there I'll find a reason to remember,
the beauty of the shadows cast at night. i know there's an extra foot here but it feels right, this is a good verse.

Whatever the reason that you chose to give no need for 'the' as it adds an extra foot
up the empty beauty where you hide, another 'beauty' doesn't do you any favours, it's also a foot short and the enjambment feels off.
It was there i knew the reason that I lived
remembering the shadows cast inside. 2nd 'shadows'

But in the beauty of the ending day a third beauty
on faithless tides i watched you slip away. nice ending couplet

i'm not a meter expert but i think you have a problem in general. it seems to start at the very beginning. the first word is a trochee, DUM/da then you move straight to an anapest, da/da/Dum and finish with an amphibrach, da/Dum/da

iambic pentameter would read as
da/Dum da/Dum da/Dum da/Dum da/Dum

your first line reads as;

Hid/ing/ --in/ the/ corn/ers/ of --the evening,
Dum/da/--da/da/Dum/---da/da/--da/Dum/da

while i may have got some of it wrong it basically gets you off on the wrong foot (pardon the pun) i know you can mix trochee and iambs etc but it's like mixing a cocktail. it works best if there's a recipe.
the meter needs a looking at by others better at it than me but in places it breaks down. some of the end rhymes only just squeeze in as broken or slant but some fail, (wind/again)

you may not think it when you look at the feedback but i think you did a brilliant attempt and the the Shakespearian sonnet.
and if it's your first attempt it's even better.

there's a bit of trouble with the meter and line length but in general it's uncluttered from cliche bar a an odd one. the repetition needs mending but that's it, by any standard this would be recognisable as a sonnet.
the aim now should be to improve and try a few more

[raymond trevitt]

Thank you. I learned something today. I always just counted the syllables , never realized that it has all the ba dum ba dums. Gave my dictionary a workout, what with trochees and anapests and amphibians floating around in there. I think this one I will actually spent a bit of time rewriting. Thank you again.

[rowens]

The third line could simply shave the word "in".
I do think the "the" in the sixth line is effective, but weighs on the music somewhat unless you take out the "then" that starts the seventh line. The reason why "the" or having no word there is more effective than the "his" or "her" that someone else mentioned is that "he" or "her" adds at least a subtle touch of warmth that defeats the effect of hopelessness we find in the biting "edges of the wind" and the reiterated "searching".
If the subject is merely a means of practicing a particular poetic form, then some of what I'm saying is useless. But if this poem can have a musical flow distinctly for its use, I have these few ideas.
There are pauses, for breath and thought; and stresses of meaning that can guide the rhythm and the sense of meaning, when something is truly being expressed. Punctutation, even italics; and a sense of character mood or colloquial stressing of tone can allow the speaking voice to be heard rather than merely read. Reading it out loud, and having someone else read it out loud could help with this if that's possible.

For whate'er reason that you chose
To give up the empty beauty where you hide, ?

The rest of the poem seems rushed. I think the form limited the expression, and you got bored with it. That happens sometimes, so it's best to find a more suitable way to express what you have to say. If you don't have anything to say, it shows in a poem; but it's understood that you're experimenting with the form here, and if those feelings expressed have real substance with you, I'd suggest letting them guide you in your revisions rather than any arbitrary standards.

[tectak]

This is nice. This is a nice crit.

Hiding in the corners of the evening,A subjectless start but it may recover....a good opener nonetheless.
sheltered by the edges of the wind,Still promising something....I am intrigued
searching for that something to believe in,Perhaps one too many searches BUT.......there's many a man walking the streets.
searching for the will to live again......who didn't get his subject out in time. Try "I am searching for the will to live again". JMT

In the coldest corners of NovemberI am taken by this corner obsession but fear you are heading for a polygon if you keep it up. Would "cavities" work?
when Autumn seeks her shelter in the ice, ..in ice bright. See next lines.
then I'll find a reason to remember
the darkness of the shadows cast at night.A very weak and forced line. In spite of its wekness it manages to get in a bit of a cliche Try "how long became her shadow in the night." See L2 change above

Whate'er the reason that you chose to giveThe enjambment does not work. I almost fell off my stool. Try:
"Whatever reason you should choose to give
for relinquishing the beauty where you hide
up the empty beauty where you hide,
It was there I knew the reason that I lived
remembering the shadows cast inside.almost a repeat of the last verse so just not saying anything new. You must stop remembering shadows, you will end up staying that way. Also, the sentence structure is flaky in that you are talking of a location (it was there) by describing it as an emotional linkage then you fail to follow through. Should the sentence be " It was there I knew the reason that I lived;" Then, say," though conscious of the bleakness here inside" or somesuch.

But in the silence of the ending dayBut me no buts.GET MAD AT IT! : "I curse the silence of the ending day
and the faithless tide that carried you away
on faithless tides I watched you slip away.

......and that's when I like a piece. Seriously, though...a Curate's egg of a poem. Take no notice of my poetic suggestions, you have plenty of your own, but I think that with some rivet work on the hull you will have a vessel with integrity.
Best,
tectak