Barren

[billy]

Once fertile fields
that shouldered cloaks of drought.
now grow hunger.

Their loam enticed away
by waspish dust devils.

Yellow buttercups and African violets
dress the last sun-bleached page
of a children’s book,

all that’s left.

---

3rd edit. thanks peops

The fields once fecund
shoulder cloaks of drought.
now grow hunger.

The loam enticed away
by waspish dust devils.

Yellow corn and African violets
dress the last sun-bleached page
of a children’s book.

All that’s left.

---

a first edit.
thanks to addy and co for their feedback.

Original;

The fields, once fercund
shoulder their dusty cloaks of drought.
now they grow hunger .

The loam enticed away
seduced by dancing dust devils


Yellow corn and African violets
dress the last sun-bleached page
of a children’s book.
All that’s left

[jdelacroix]

The fields, once fercund ("fecund")
shoulder their dusty cloaks of drought.
now they grow hunger. (In hunger)

The loam enticed away
seduced by dancing dust devils (Although I like the verse, I have trouble comprehending it)


Yellow corn and African violets
dress the last sun-bleached page
of a children’s book.
All that’s left

I like the poem because I can relate to the condition the poem suggests (especially with the current weather condition here Freeakingg HooT!!!). However, I noticed a few things that needs to be corrected. In the first verse, the word fercund should be fecund. Then the phrase, "they grow hunger" should be "they grow in hunger. Lastly, I'm not sure with the 2nd verse perhaps the mood and logic are quite opposite to the 1st verse. Is it attempting to evoke that one is easily tempted when starving? I guess that's what I notice for now.

Just a friendly gesture:
I think you intentionally wrote these errors. A keen reader such as yourself must have noticed this. Anyway I hope my critique did some justice. Peace out

[billy]

nope , the spelling wasn't intentional at all lol.
i'm on my ex's pc which doesn't have a spell checker and i rushed a few poems off in order to change the forums a little. (not rushed exactly, more an edit of some old ones in the poetry draw. )

thanks for fecund.

when i say the fields grow hunger. i'm trying to show that they no longer feed the people. i'll have a re-think about it jd
not that an explanation should help. if it's not clear it's not clear.

in the couplet i'm trying to describe how the soil was stripped from the earth in a poetic fashion...i may have failed

never worry about giveing honest feedback jd.
i really appreciate it.

i'm also far from being some poet whose good enough to intentionally add a flaw thats so good it really looks like a flaw that was put there by accident lol.

you have to be able to ride a bike in order to hold it steady for someone else to ride.

[addy]

I'll skip the previous corrections

The fields, once fercund
shoulder their you can take of "their" dusty cloaks of drought.
now they grow hunger .

The loam enticed away
seduced by dancing dust devils I like the idea... could be improved. I think "enticed" and "seduced" is essentially the same idea, so no need to repeat. I'd also recommend changing "dancing", even though it's a nice alliteration, because it sounds distractingly happy. Use a word that conveys movement but more... sinister? ( just imo )

Yellow corn and African violets
dress the last sun-bleached page
of a children’s book. Love these lines. The colors leap out at me.
All that’s left Felt there was something missing in this last line? Dunno

Loved this one, as always. Just needs some spit and polish

[billy]

nice feedback addy, thanks

maybe it needs the last line extending or another one adding.

your right; their is def not needed in L2
and again (i hate you) you're right with the enticed and seduced.

strike three with the dancing. yeah it makes it sound gleefully happy doesn't it

will use all you've said in the edit. thanks a great deal

[Philatone]

billy!

The fields once fecund
shoulder cloaks of drought.
now grow hunger....though the sound was pleasant, i felt the period in the line before could have been a comma or semi-colon and the "now" was excess

The loam enticed away
by waspish dust devils....i think an active voice would make it even stronger, but if you want to focus on the loam I understand

Yellow corn and African violets
dress the last sun-bleached page
of a children’s book.

All that’s left. ...not entirely sure how i feel on this conclusion just yet, separated by being its own 'sentence', line, and stanza...

---

a first edit.
thanks to addy and co for their feedback.

Original;

The fields, once fercund
shoulder their dusty cloaks of drought.
now they grow hunger .

The loam enticed away
seduced by dancing dust devils


Yellow corn and African violets
dress the last sun-bleached page
of a children’s book.
All that’s left

nice imagery. if anything, i'm left with wondering what else is happening beneath the piece and wanting a bit more. Drawing out this "hunger" of the fields, this sense of longing, and maybe personifying it (describing more how the "dust devils" tease it and such) could add some more meat to the backbone you have here. just a thought

[just mercedes]

Oh dear Billy - I replied to your poem and mucked it up again...so I'll try doing it quickly, down here where I can't get into trouble...first stanza I wondered if you swapped 2nd and 3rd lines around would it read more smoothly?

I'm not keen on the way you ended the 1st stanza with a period and started the 2nd with a capital letter - makes it a fragment, and halts the flow. (same with that single final line).

I like the sounds in your poem, read aloud. I had a little trouble with corn as a symbol of hunger and drought though. That final image, of a child's book open and abandoned, sums up the poem beautifully.

Thank you for the read, and I'll try to watch carefully where I click next time.

[billy]

it's just the confusion of the edit button being close to the reply button
thanks for the feedback. i'll be on it tomorrow, i also think fertile though cliche would be better than fecund.

[Keith]

The fields once fecund
shoulder cloaks of drought.
now grow hunger.

The loam enticed away
by waspish dust devils.

Yellow corn and African violets
dress the last sun-bleached page
of a children’s book.

All that’s left.

---

a first edit.
thanks to addy and co for their feedback.

Original;

The fields, once fercund
shoulder their dusty cloaks of drought.
now they grow hunger .

The loam enticed away
seduced by dancing dust devils


Yellow corn and African violets
dress the last sun-bleached page
of a children’s book.
All that’s left

The edit really works for me, however I should report that it was beyond my vocabulary so I had to read it with a dictionary, this put me off, and I nearly didn't bother, glad I did I like the irony of the last stanza depicting such lush crops in a forgotten book left in this barren land.
Nice but fragmented read due to limitations (mine not yours)

[billy]

thanks tomh.
i did another edit and changed the fecund and took on board jm's points.