The perfect match

[Philatone]

V. 2

The perfect match

keeps to a book
as her sisters, one by one,
leave the house,

a scent of ash,
pulses of shadows
unraveled on the roof.

The red-head sleeps
until a cough of thunder,
a search for candles

and a storm, who paints
the porch and steps
into the living room

to invite her out
to dance, hesitant
to blow a single

kiss.






V. 1

is best kept in a drawer, away
from any candle or temptation
to ignite. There is always
another wick of wood to strike
in books fueled by the thought of fire.

Better save the red-head. Wait
for the storm, who hangs his coat
on the porch, to call the guest
with the burning taste for darkness.

[parakleseos]

Definitely has potential.

A few observations and thoughts.

Think hard about the enjambment (I say this partly because it's something I'm trying to be more conscious about in my own writing). Line breaks force the reader to read the poem in a particular way--with a particular rhythm. Is the way you've broken the lines forcing the reader to read the poem the way you'd like him to?

I'm unconvinced by "books fueled by the thought of fire". I'm presuming "books" is a play both on "matchbooks" and regular books--perhaps even on other things--but books of matches are not "fueled" in a convincing or powerful way by "the thought of fire".

"Better save the red-head" feels like too much of a restatement of the title/first line. I get that it's an opportunity to play with the idea of the match as a person, and to allude to his or her "saving," but I think this could be done without the conceptual repetition at a superficial level. I'm all for metaphor and allusion, but I think poetry is most compelling when it achieves beauty both on its surface as well as its interior.

I think the storm would do better to drive the guest than to call him. To personify the storm as hanging up his coat and beckoning a person is an unconvincing and unclear image.

"burning taste for darkness" is muddy and rather gothic-melodrama, not to mention a borderline cliche. I'd go for something sharper and more novel. "Darkness" is one of those words like "light," "soul," "black," etc., that one needs to be very careful about using.

Thanks for the poem.


-pk

is best kept in a drawer, away
from any candle or temptation
to ignite. There is always
another wick of wood to strike
in books fueled by the thought of fire.

Better save the red-head. Wait
for the storm, who hangs his coat
on the porch, to call the guest
with the burning taste for darkness.

[tectak]

is best kept in a drawer, away
from any candle or temptation
to ignite. There is always
another wick of wood to strike
in books fueled by the thought of fire.

Better save the red-head. Wait
for the storm, who hangs his coat
on the porch, to call the guest
with the burning taste for darkness.

Yes,phil, I am with para on this one. The line breaks cannot add to the piece unless there is some consistency....and that invariably begs a rhythm.
This is burst verse for me in that is an encapsulated single thought. When burst verse grabs you you have very little scope for poetic meanderings as the whole raison d'etre is quick, precise and gestalt. It is almost like a rhetorical question answered
I was left wanting with this piece because it failed to convince me that the thought was "big" enough to warrant the effort.
I did note, though, that you were trying something new for you....and that is to be commended.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

is best kept in a drawer, away
from any candle or temptation
to ignite. There is always
another wick of wood to strike
in books fueled by the thought of fire.

Better save the red-head. Wait
for the storm, who hangs his coat
on the porch, to call the guest
with the burning taste for darkness.

i really like the poem, but i feel i had to find it. no nits apart from the enjambment. most of the lines need remodelling in order for the reader to see the light. love the read head line (though not it's enjambment

thanks for the read.

[penguin]

Don't see anything wrong with the enjambment myself.I like the 1st verse but I agree that the 5th line is weak. I lose track of the poem after red-head, having assumed it's about possessiveness. So I wonder why "wait for the storm". Again, I think the last line is weak.

[Todd]

Hi Geoff, I'm heading out on a flight and will try to get back to this. A few immediate comments: I have no issue with the breaks or enjambment (I could be missing something I guess). I would like to see more initial ambiguity with the red head so the match could be thought of as more of a romantic interest. Also, I like the books fueled by the thought of fire because everything strives to fulfill its purpose. Also while a match eventually burns out (darkness) what makes it perfect and where the tension sits is having it ignite. I'd rather the poem end on igniting than burning out.

Those are such quick thoughts they may be incoherent. I hope they're not.

Best,

Todd

is best kept in a drawer, away
from any candle or temptation
to ignite. There is always
another wick of wood to strike
in books fueled by the thought of fire.

Better save the red-head. Wait
for the storm, who hangs his coat
on the porch, to call the guest
with the burning taste for darkness.

[Philatone]

thanks all. adjustments have been made

[Ruth]

V. 2

The perfect match

keeps to a book
as her sisters, one by one,
leave the house,

a scent of ash,
pulses of shadows
unraveled on the roof.

The red-head sleeps
until a cough of thunder,
a search for candles

and a storm, who paints
the porch and steps
into the living room

to invite her out
to dance, hesitant
to blow a single

kiss.






V. 1

is best kept in a drawer, away
from any candle or temptation
to ignite. There is always
another wick of wood to strike
in books fueled by the thought of fire.

Better save the red-head. Wait
for the storm, who hangs his coat
on the porch, to call the guest
with the burning taste for darkness.

I like them both. I really liked "the storm, who hangs his coat/ on the porch" and was sorry to see you didn't keep it.

I think the imagery is better in the second version, and I love the ending (although I liked the ending of the first one too), the stanzas seem to set up better, the space around them helps. How appropriate that I am reading this as a huge thunderstorm is engulfing my home.

[billy]

V. 2

The perfect match

keeps to a book
as her sisters, one by one,
leave the house, isn't that sexist ?

a scent of ash,
pulses of shadows
unraveled on the roof.

The red-head sleeps
until a cough of thunder,
a search for candles i like this stanza.

and a storm, who paints
the porch and steps
into the living room and this is a good image.

to invite her out
to dance, hesitant
to blow a single

kiss. MWAH

much prefer this version. the end is excellent. the only single nit i have in the 'a scent of ash' line. whose scent is it.

some great images and good (i think) anthropomorphism, or personification of a match. i can't believe she's female

good strong edit.

thanks for the read.