important things

[Ruth]

I don't write,
write poems,
anymore.

I used to.
write them
a lot, now
when I want to write about your mouth, and
how your lips would press, and the words were held
behind your teeth
or, years later how
my first taste of loukoumades
created a sensation in my mouth that made
my knees bend, and that when I put my fingers
on my lips to lick them,
I thought of you.

thought of why I used to,
used to write about
the important things,
like the shape of your mouth
and the sensation of honey on my tongue, and
old wishes for us.

then I remember,
remember how
you wouldn't look into my eyes
or touch me
unless you had to, and that,
and that, it was as if
you were afraid.

I don't write,
write poems,
anymore, because my words,
all of them, were for you, and
now I think I should
keep them,
keep them, for myself.

[billy]

I don't write,
write poems, I'm taking this reiteration style as being used to show more an introspection than a statement, it works well throughout the poem
anymore.

I used to. i like the far away feel you're creating in the first few lines.
write them
a lot, now
when I want to write about your mouth, and
how your lips would press, and the words were held
behind your teeth
or, years later how
my first taste of loukoumades I had to google it, great tasting word
created a sensation in my mouth that made
my knees bend, and that when I put my fingers
on my lips to lick them, great image here and the line above
I thought of you.

thought of why I used to,
used to write about
the important things,
like the shape of your mouth
and the sensation of honey on my tongue, and
old wishes for us.

then I remember,
remember how
you wouldn't look into my eyes
or touch me
unless you had to, and that,
and that, it was as if
you were afraid.

I don't write,
write poems,
anymore, because my words,
all of them, were for you, and
now I think I should
keep them,
keep them, for myself.

my spell check says any more though they're infamous for being wrong...but that's just a weasly nit because i like it all

there's a melancholic feel to the poem, specially at the end. but there's also a feeling of looking inward on oneself. i the like the stutter (for use of a better word) throughout the poem to emphasise and /or stop the reader so that they can actually think about what they're reading. it has good imagry and originality in the telling of an old emotion.

sorry i couldn't give any neg constructive feedback which might help improve it; the truth is, i can't see any.

thanks for the read.

[Ruth]

thank you. I am famous misspeller (likely not a a real word), will check anymore/any more

I had to google the name too - loukoumades - had them in Greek Town in Toronto a year ago, like an orgasm in your mouth... can't find any around here, which is good, mostly

[Indie]

I'd love to hear this read aloud/spoken/recorded, to understand the inflections of voice better. Right now I find the repetition really jarring as well where you end some of your lines, they read very cut off, yet I understand the artistic structure of this and that jilted internal dialogue we all sometimes have.

[Ruth]

I'd love to hear this read aloud/spoken/recorded, to understand the inflections of voice better. Right now I find the repetition really jarring as well where you end some of your lines, they read very cut off, yet I understand the artistic structure of this and that jilted internal dialogue we all sometimes have.

Ah, that's excellent feedback, thank you. I hear it very softly in my head (the internal dialogue), but the inflection doesn't necessarily translate. perhaps I can figure out a way to record it. thanks very much.

[addy]

This is an excellent piece. I actually liked the stop-starts, it fits in well for the POV of someone who is trying to navigate her way back to words after abandoning them due to heartbreak.

What didn't work for me was the overfixation on mouth / lips. It was good but perhaps stretched too long.... the third stanza, for example, was pretty much repeating the same themes as the second. To what end, I'm not sure... why are mouths the most important image here? It would make sense if this poem was about speaking poetry rather than writing it, but it isn't really. Or maybe he always speaks sweet nothings and that's what inspired her love poetry, but such a scenario wasn't stressed.

in any case, that is a minor nit to a poem that I think is rather well done

[Todd]

Hi Ruth,

Welcome to the site! I enjoyed the read, some thoughts below:

There are times that I like the intentional stutter and there are times it's a little off putting. I think I'm going to put it down to a style choice and mostly let it sit.

I don't write,
write poems,--The funny thing is I like the idea of the repetition here and at the end on poem on paper at least. The hesitation makes me think of the pain and reflection of the speaker. The issue I'm having is that out loud it feels clumsy with the second write
anymore.

I used to.
write them
a lot, now
when I want to write about your mouth, and--Okay, a few things here, I like how you move to the longer lines when you begin to touch on these important things. Like might be too weak a word. They threaten to overflow...love that. Id suggest pulling out the additional two "write" repetitions. I'm not fond of the break on and. I'd suggest pulling how up a line
how your lips would press, and the words were held--fantastic line love the break
behind your teeth--This is great because as the words are restrained by the other they are restrained on the line...control is reasserted.
or, years later how--if you pull up how on that other line this line becomes a subtle echo
my first taste of loukoumades
created a sensation in my mouth that made
my knees bend, and that when I put my fingers--I love the repetition of my because it makes the absence of we that much more stark. I also like the echo on mouth and lips.
on my lips to lick them,
I thought of you.

thought of why I used to,--I would consider cutting thought here. I would also consider limiting your repetition until the end. It might serve you better to increase the pace to give the final hesitations more poignancy. To that end, maybe break on used to give a layered meaning and go right into to write.
used to write about--You've come full circle pick up the pace now it will sell the ending more
the important things,--maybe cut the
like the shape of your mouth--maybe cut like the
and the sensation of honey on my tongue, and--maybe cut and the sensation of and the final and...it needs speed here
old wishes for us.

then I remember,
remember how--now the slow down...yes
you wouldn't look into my eyes
or touch me
unless you had to, and that,
and that, it was as if --consider cutting it was as if...the line break gives the same sense of discovery.
you were afraid.

I don't write,
write poems,
anymore, because my words,
all of them, were for you, and--you don't need the and
now I think I should
keep them,
keep them, for myself.--great last two strophes.

I hope some of that was helpful. I enjoyed the poem a lot.

Best,

Todd

[Ruth]

Hi Ruth,

Welcome to the site! I enjoyed the read, some thoughts below:

There are times that I like the intentional stutter and there are times it's a little off putting. I think I'm going to put it down to a style choice and mostly let it sit.

I don't write,
write poems,--The funny thing is I like the idea of the repetition here and at the end on poem on paper at least. The hesitation makes me think of the pain and reflection of the speaker. The issue I'm having is that out loud it feels clumsy with the second write
anymore.

I used to.
write them
a lot, now
when I want to write about your mouth, and--Okay, a few things here, I like how you move to the longer lines when you begin to touch on these important things. Like might be too weak a word. They threaten to overflow...love that. Id suggest pulling out the additional two "write" repetitions. I'm not fond of the break on and. I'd suggest pulling how up a line
how your lips would press, and the words were held--fantastic line love the break
behind your teeth--This is great because as the words are restrained by the other they are restrained on the line...control is reasserted.
or, years later how--if you pull up how on that other line this line becomes a subtle echo
my first taste of loukoumades
created a sensation in my mouth that made
my knees bend, and that when I put my fingers--I love the repetition of my because it makes the absence of we that much more stark. I also like the echo on mouth and lips.
on my lips to lick them,
I thought of you.

thought of why I used to,--I would consider cutting thought here. I would also consider limiting your repetition until the end. It might serve you better to increase the pace to give the final hesitations more poignancy. To that end, maybe break on used to give a layered meaning and go right into to write.
used to write about--You've come full circle pick up the pace now it will sell the ending more
the important things,--maybe cut the
like the shape of your mouth--maybe cut like the
and the sensation of honey on my tongue, and--maybe cut and the sensation of and the final and...it needs speed here
old wishes for us.

then I remember,
remember how--now the slow down...yes
you wouldn't look into my eyes
or touch me
unless you had to, and that,
and that, it was as if --consider cutting it was as if...the line break gives the same sense of discovery.
you were afraid.

I don't write,
write poems,
anymore, because my words,
all of them, were for you, and--you don't need the and
now I think I should
keep them,
keep them, for myself.--great last two strophes.

I hope some of that was helpful. I enjoyed the poem a lot.

Best,

Todd

REALLY helpful. Thank you so much for the time and attention you put into this, will go over this again and rework it.

thanks again!

---

This is an excellent piece. I actually liked the stop-starts, it fits in well for the POV of someone who is trying to navigate her way back to words after abandoning them due to heartbreak.

What didn't work for me was the overfixation on mouth / lips. It was good but perhaps stretched too long.... the third stanza, for example, was pretty much repeating the same themes as the second. To what end, I'm not sure... why are mouths the most important image here? It would make sense if this poem was about speaking poetry rather than writing it, but it isn't really. Or maybe he always speaks sweet nothings and that's what inspired her love poetry, but such a scenario wasn't stressed.

in any case, that is a minor nit to a poem that I think is rather well done

thanks very much! will look at the repetition.

mouths more for what is left unsaid and ultimately painful contrasting with what is pleasurable and richly experienced - I think, I'm never completely sure what I'm writing about ;-)

thanks again

[abu nuwas]

I think Todd's exposition is quite brilliant --but I would not do it, for this reason. The repetition and breaks, what Billy called stutters, support the content. If you do more than a little tinkering, you risk the same fate as people who go into a foreign restaurant, and have one or two strange items, but chips instead of some local dish, and a beer, instead of the bitter coffee and sweet tea the natives have. The meal, normally, is a concoction whose parts support each other (and your digestion), but now, it is nothing. Perhaps an over-elaborate analogy, but it is the best that I can do.

Enjoyed reading it, which is not so usual.

[Ruth]

I think Todd's exposition is quite brilliant --but I would not do it, for this reason. The repetition and breaks, what Billy called stutters, support the content. If you do more than a little tinkering, you risk the same fate as people who go into a foreign restaurant, and have one or two strange items, but chips instead of some local dish, and a beer, instead of the bitter coffee and sweet tea the natives have. The meal, normally, is a concoction whose parts support each other (and your digestion), but now, it is nothing. Perhaps an over-elaborate analogy, but it is the best that I can do.

Enjoyed reading it, which is not so usual.

I'm going to go with what the natives are having ;-)
I love the analogy, I will play a little with this one, I have another that I think need a compete overhaul, so that's where I will be spending my time.

thanks very much!