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07-19-2012, 05:36 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-20-2012, 06:26 AM by billy.)
Goliath sleeps:
A pebble flies and hits the spot.
Goliath sleeps.
He roared so loud, but now he weeps.
When David swung his sling, and shot
the philistine would lose the pot;
Goliath sleeps.
Tried my hand at a Rondelet; The instructions on how too, can be found
here.
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So are you saying getting stoned is bad?
Sorry Billy, but this seems awkwardly put and the idea seems pretty generic, unless it is some other message than "pride goes before a fall." It seems like there might have been something else you meant to convey, but if there were....
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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07-19-2012, 08:06 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-19-2012, 08:07 PM by billy.)
thanks for the feedback dale.
it's just a generic david and Goliath thing
i'll see if i can improve on the next one
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(07-19-2012, 05:36 PM)billy Wrote: Goliath sleeps:
A pebble flies and hits the spot.
Goliath slept.
He roared so loud, but now he weeps.
When David swung his sling, and shot
the philistine would lose the pot;
Goliath sleeps.
Tried my hand at a Rondelet; The instructions on how too, can be found here.
First of all, thanks for returning to those lessons, they're meant as an ongoing reference as well as an introduction (I still look up rhyme schemes for many forms, the only ones I always remember exactly are the sonnets and villanelles).
I don't mind the subject matter, I think it's perfectly good for a rondelet, but changing to "Goliath slept" for your refrain really does not work for me at all. I don't feel that there's room in such a little poem to abandon the rhyme scheme AND the repetition. My advice would be to find a word other than "sleeps" for your refrain (I can't think of any just now though), since that only involves changing the
A and one
a line.
It could be worse
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07-20-2012, 06:25 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-20-2012, 06:27 AM by billy.)
(07-20-2012, 04:16 AM)Leanne Wrote: (07-19-2012, 05:36 PM)billy Wrote: Goliath sleeps:
A pebble flies and hits the spot.
Goliath slept.
He roared so loud, but now he weeps.
When David swung his sling, and shot
the philistine would lose the pot;
Goliath sleeps.
Tried my hand at a Rondelet; The instructions on how too, can be found here.
First of all, thanks for returning to those lessons, they're meant as an ongoing reference as well as an introduction (I still look up rhyme schemes for many forms, the only ones I always remember exactly are the sonnets and villanelles).
I don't mind the subject matter, I think it's perfectly good for a rondelet, but changing to "Goliath slept" for your refrain really does not work for me at all. I don't feel that there's room in such a little poem to abandon the rhyme scheme AND the repetition. My advice would be to find a word other than "sleeps" for your refrain (I can't think of any just now though), since that only involves changing the A and one a line.
oops, i thought i were being avante garde
have sorted it out.
i decide that if i can't post post off the bat, i'll do some of the classwork we have here (it forced/helps me) to get something done write wise.
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(07-19-2012, 05:36 PM)billy Wrote: Goliath sleeps:
A pebble flies and hits the spot.
Goliath sleeps.
He roared so loud, but now he weeps.
When David swung his sling, and shot
the philistine would lose the pot;or loose the lot. See http://www.myspace.com/knufrome/music/so...x-41326683
Goliath sleeps.
Tried my hand at a Rondelet; The instructions on how too, can be found here.
Only comment in the body, otherwise its not too shoddy. Like your stuff when clipped and neat.
Best,
tectak
