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[Aish]

My
chest
ached
a little,
full
of
insomnia
and half spilled
ire -

now it
divides
itself
over
and
over
tumbling

a surging
hydrographic
soliciting to drown
a capsized
lover.

Seething
murmurs
fall
crash
break
dragging the depths

below
my stomach
behind
my colon
reaching
beyond

the
spinning
fiery
wheels

of
sacred
undertow.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My
chest
ached
a
little
before,
full
of
insomnia
and half spilled
ire -

now it
divides
itself
over
and
over
tumbling

crazy
swift
and
fluid,
like the sea

chasing
after
a
drowned
lover.

Seething
murmurs
fall
crash
break
dragging the depths

below
my stomach
behind
my colon
reaching
beyond

the
spinning
fiery
wheels

of
sacred
undertow

[Universalchild]

My
chest
ached
a
little
before,
full
of
insomnia
and half spilled
ire -
Too broken for me, it ends up sounding really robotic in my head. I think having a singular word works really well when you are trying to put focus on that word, but for stuff like "a" and "of" I think it breaks it up too much. Like, "insomnia" is brilliant on its own, and "ire" - even "ached" but the rest I think needs to at least be in pairs.

now it
divides
itself
over
and
over
tumbling
I prefer this, especially with the "over and over" above "tumbling"

crazy
swift
and
fluid,
like the sea
I'm not so keen on "swift" being used - it isn't very sea-like.

chasing
after
a
drowned
lover.
Love the drowned lover image, not so sure about them being chased?

Seething
murmurs
fall
crash
break
dragging the depths
Love this, all kept within the sea imagery.

below
my stomach
behind
my colon
reaching
beyond
I really love this stanza, definitely my favourite.

the
spinning
fiery
wheels

of
sacred
undertow.
Good ending, really strong.

[Aish]

Hi, Universalchild.

Thank you for the thoughts.

I switched out 'swelling' for 'swift', and modified S4. Mulling over the enjabment.

[Philatone]

yo aish

My
chest
ached
a little
before, ...need the "before"?
full
of
insomnia
and half spilled ...this was probably the bit i would most expect to be enjambed (what with the spilling), but instead it stays together
ire -

now it
divides
itself
over
and
over
tumbling ...this stanza could have played off of the "tumbling" more with the line breaks if desired

a surging
hydrographic
soliciting to drown
a capsized
lover. ...i get the water. the hydrographic "drowning" something escaped me though, to be honest

chasing
after
a
drowned
lover....i'm still not sure how i feel about the repetition

Seething
murmurs
fall
crash
break..expected the stanza to end here
dragging the depths ..like how "dragging" has words following it

below
my stomach
behind
my colon
reaching
beyond

the
spinning
fiery
wheels

of
sacred
undertow...a nice line/ image

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My
chest
ached
a
little
before,
full
of
insomnia
and half spilled
ire -

now it
divides
itself
over
and
over
tumbling

crazy
swift
and
fluid,
like the sea

chasing
after
a
drowned
lover.

Seething
murmurs
fall
crash
break
dragging the depths

below
my stomach
behind
my colon
reaching
beyond

the
spinning
fiery
wheels

of
sacred
undertow

i'm seeing a relationship that either took a turn for the worst and is wrapped up in remorse (the drowning of a lover, maybe in apologies and regret) or is still disrupted by anger (the drowning hopes to consume the lover). i'm probably off-base with both

i found a number of your decisions went against what i was expecting you to do with both structure and word choice. in interesting read, though it strikes me as still a little cryptic

[Aish]

yo aish

My
chest
ached
a little
before, ...need the "before"?
full
of
insomnia
and half spilled ...this was probably the bit i would most expect to be enjambed (what with the spilling), but instead it stays together
ire -

now it
divides
itself
over
and
over
tumbling ...this stanza could have played off of the "tumbling" more with the line breaks if desired

a surging
hydrographic
soliciting to drown
a capsized
lover. ...i get the water. the hydrographic "drowning" something escaped me though, to be honest

chasing
after
a
drowned
lover....i'm still not sure how i feel about the repetition THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!!!! (editing it out now)

Seething
murmurs
fall
crash
break..expected the stanza to end here
dragging the depths ..like how "dragging" has words following it

below
my stomach
behind
my colon
reaching
beyond

the
spinning
fiery
wheels

of
sacred
undertow...a nice line/ image

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My
chest
ached
a
little
before,
full
of
insomnia
and half spilled
ire -

now it
divides
itself
over
and
over
tumbling

crazy
swift
and
fluid,
like the sea

chasing
after
a
drowned
lover.

Seething
murmurs
fall
crash
break
dragging the depths

below
my stomach
behind
my colon
reaching
beyond

the
spinning
fiery
wheels

of
sacred
undertow

i'm seeing a relationship that either took a turn for the worst and is wrapped up in remorse (the drowning of a lover, maybe in apologies and regret) or is still disrupted by anger (the drowning hopes to consume the lover). i'm probably off-base with both

i found a number of your decisions went against what i was expecting you to do with both structure and word choice. in interesting read, though it strikes me as still a little cryptic

Thanks for all the feedback, Phil. I will play with the enjabment. Not sure this piece is meant to be any more specific than it is, though cryptic was not my aim at all. Overall discomfort and your interpretations are lovely. I removed 'before'.

[billy]

i missed this one Aish, sorry, i'll just give feedback on the edit.

My
chest
ached
a little,
full
of
insomnia
and half spilled
ire -

now it[b] is now needed?
divides
itself
over
and
over
tumbling

a surging
hydrographic
soliciting to drown line feels too long compared to the minimalism of the other, why not split it?
a capsized
lover.

while i see a maritime metaphor at play, i'm not sure hydrograhic works.

Seething
murmurs
fall
crash
break
dragging the depths
you use grammar at the beginning why not elsewhere?

below
my stomach
behind
my colon
reaching
beyond
i like this stanza, it's a good image.

the
spinning
fiery
wheels

of
sacred this doesn't work for me, i'm not anything is needed on thins line
undertow.[/b]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

i really don't care for these type of minimal poems but that's my affliction. i think you did a good job with this one. the grammar spoils it a little, the 1st stanza has it then it vanishes. choose yay or nay, the maybe makes me do a double-take. i pointed out the 'hydrographic' because the poem's about the heart and gut. that word is too scientific

i think you need to split at least one of the lines (see line by)
and make it as minimal as possible.

thanks for the read

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

My preference is almost never for one word lines. It is very difficult to hold the line and it makes for a halting read as you give the break a half pause each time. Since I recognize where my bias is I'm going to ignore it and try to address the poem as it is. Here are some comments for you:

My
chest
ached
a little,--you might be able to cut this qualifier entirely
full
of
insomnia
and half spilled--I'm not sure you want spilled of any type here, more build less release
ire -

now it
divides
itself--I don't think you need this. You may want to move tumbling up to this line
over
and
over--I do like over and over
tumbling

a surging
hydrographic
soliciting to drown--feels too long maybe simply drowning
a capsized
lover.--I like the capsized lover being overcome

Seething
murmurs
fall
crash
break
dragging the depths--maybe the depths then line break dragging

below
my stomach
behind
my colon
reaching
beyond--like this entire sequence

the
spinning
fiery
wheels--makes me think of Ezekiel or Charriots of the Gods

of
sacred
undertow.--the last three lines are my favorite

Nice reading you.

Best,

Todd

[Aish]

Thanks for all the feedback!

I will work on this, probably tonight.