Posts: 13
Threads: 9
Joined: Jul 2012
by Alex Vermitsky
for Paul
May stood out as chemically perfect
her hands were two stones against the delicate
the paint around her skin was panic paint
a lack of faith, her unfortunate frame
just an "Overpriced Cape Cod with trees"
dotting a lake of motor oil
A jury of her peers that couldn't dance
to save their lives nor their night away
watched these seizures for clues
scores of shaking birds, the dead, the blues
the wrong idea of shame's dimension
smaller like an ear infection
had my mind consider that between heroics
and its heroes
were walls that would be ignored
for future wall potential
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
I've no idea.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-13-2012, 01:56 AM)a vermits Wrote: by Alex Vermitsky
for Paul
May stood out as chemically perfect
her hands were two stones against the delicate
the paint around her skin was panic paint
a lack of faith, her unfortunate frame
just an "Overpriced Cape Cod with trees"
dotting a lake of motor oil
A jury of her peers that couldn't dance
to save their lives nor their night away
watched these seizures for clues
scores of shaking birds, the dead, the blues
the wrong idea of shame's dimension
smaller like an ear infection
had my mind consider that between heroics
and its heroes
were walls that would be ignored
for future wall potential
(07-13-2012, 01:56 AM)a vermits Wrote: by Alex Vermitsky
for PaulI may need to contact Paul to get a fix on this. He's not the Damascus one, I hope
May stood out as chemically perfectYou need to read the next line to confirm that you have no idea what this means. After the first line I thought I was lost, after the second I knew I was. There is nothing here to consider. Even the ommission of the last word after "delicate" could be deliberate. Help.
her hands were two stones against the delicate
the paint around her skin was panic paint
a lack of faith, her unfortunate framePunctuation would usually help here, but not this time. I have tried all permutations but cannot get a meaningful or (even part meaning) sentence out of the thing. The theme, never clear, is getting totally lost in the words. The next "couplet" is bizarre. Could you try a giving consideration to clarity....you may be sure what you mean but is this poem for you? Oh, no, it's for Paul. I hope he appreciates it
just an "Overpriced Cape Cod with trees"
dotting a lake of motor oil
A jury of her peers that couldn't dance
to save their lives nor their night awayA useful stanza. Save this for later. There is a hope of a chance of a possibility of a little gem of a production in some of your more fluent moments but you will not let this stop you from waltzing off into the unknown again. I just know it!
watched these seizures for clues
scores of shaking birds, the dead, the blues
the wrong idea of shame's dimension
smaller like an ear infection
had my mind consider that between heroics
and its heroes
were walls that would be ignored
for future wall potential
I am totally with erthona on this one. The last paired lines, four "couplets" , are not connected to anything. They are like random thoughts that you had whilst driving along eating a hamburger and you wrote aide memoires in ketchup on the windscreen. For future use. I could see that there were some neat linkages WITHIN each couplet but that is just not enough. If you decide to edit this, then I would encourage you to outline the theme before starting. I rarely do this these days but I used to. Some may say I should STILL do it
Please don't think that all is lost.....your poetry will survive, its the readers who will die.
Best,
tectak
