Death in China (Chinese Torture as was) edit 2.

[tectak]

At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or prowling empty alleyways,
growl at the early heron’s stab, its cover lost to circling waves.

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of restless men, dog-barked in to brightening days,
glint; flickering as dreams depart, of bellies full and fulfilled hopes.
Each cheats close death in cold of night , re-born in warming rays.

Some few remain, in void of sleep, cold to the touch, as feigning death;
then rise in drowsy, languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath,
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast.

But one lies late, and does not move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on his coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tightened skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast,
by one who knows that certain death, will come to those who let her in.


tectak
2012-07-11
Thanks to penguin, universal, erthona, leanne, billy then added empty for leanne


Chinese Torture edit 1. penguin, universal, erthona


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways,
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves.

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days,
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep,cold to the touch as feigning death;
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath,
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those who let her in.


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

[Universalchild]

Chnese Torture? : P Are you sure.

Chinese Torture


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze. I like perfumed haze, not so sure about it being 'the still'.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. Nice alliteration.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, Sorry if I'm just being ignorant, but isn't hessian a European thing?
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves. I love the last part of this line.

As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes Beautiful image of dawn. I think it is far superior to your opening line, much more powerful.
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days, The first half hits well, the second not so much, maybe because you've already mentioned dogs.
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep, yet cold enough for clear feigned death; I like this a lot, great description.
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, I do know what somnambulistic means, but I doubt most people would... It's a really medical term. And I think it could be easily replaced to make it more universally understandable. I could be wrong though!
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast. I really like this line, I think you could do with adding maybe a couple more images in the poem that remind us that this is China and not anywhere.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast Powerful line, great.
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those let her in.


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

I really loved this, very powerful with so much brilliant imagery. However, although I think this is a beautiful poem, and the ending carries some kind of emotion, I do think that there is a distinct lack of real insight into the subject. It feels skimmed over. I can also only just about tell it's set in China. I would change the title too - doesn't fit the content. Opium is many a thing, but certainly not torture. Torture implies pain, and opium removes it. It doesn't mean it isn't damaging, or deadly, it's just not a painful process. Unless you are withdrawing!

[penguin]

I see you're quite a fan of the long line, there's a good rhythm to this. I wonder about the title as well. The torture part, does the poem justify it?

its secret lost to circling waves. - beyond the necessary rhyme I'm not sure what this adds.

As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes

I baulked at the old-fashioned formulation of "As gold becomes" and "o'er" - I'd prefer "on". If all the poem were in similar style it wouldn't stick out so much.

Do you need any punctuation after "stirring hopes"?

yet cold enough for clear feigned death - really? You mean a clearly feigned death? I don't understand that!

I like the last line of the 3rd verse verse very much but I can't really square somnambulistic gait with steaming effort.

I think you've omitted "who" in the last line.

[Erthona]

It do.

"hessian"? Don't know about that. Seems at odds.

Dale

[tectak]

Chnese Torture? : P Are you sure.

Chinese Torture


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze. I like perfumed haze, not so sure about it being 'the still'.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. Nice alliteration.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, Sorry if I'm just being ignorant, but isn't hessian a European thing?
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves. I love the last part of this line.

As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes Beautiful image of dawn. I think it is far superior to your opening line, much more powerful.
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days, The first half hits well, the second not so much, maybe because you've already mentioned dogs.
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep, yet cold enough for clear feigned death; I like this a lot, great description.
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, I do know what somnambulistic means, but I doubt most people would... It's a really medical term. And I think it could be easily replaced to make it more universally understandable. I could be wrong though!
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast. I really like this line, I think you could do with adding maybe a couple more images in the poem that remind us that this is China and not anywhere.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast Powerful line, great.
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those let her in.


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

I really loved this, very powerful with so much brilliant imagery. However, although I think this is a beautiful poem, and the ending carries some kind of emotion, I do think that there is a distinct lack of real insight into the subject. It feels skimmed over. I can also only just about tell it's set in China. I would change the title too - doesn't fit the content. Opium is many a thing, but certainly not torture. Torture implies pain, and opium removes it. It doesn't mean it isn't damaging, or deadly, it's just not a painful process. Unless you are withdrawing!

Poor excuse but yes, you are quite correct. It was skimmed over as I was under the cosh to go shopping! I should have stuck it in mild as it is just not good enough for seious crit. My single defence notwithstanding, the title is a reference to the torture which rural China is living through.....and the concommitant increase (and falling back into the old ways) in opium use. There has been more than one comment about "hessian" which may well be a european (?) word but it will google out as a major commodity in China. Maybe jute would be better.......its just sack cloth to me.
Title spelling mistake due to fat fingers.
All will be taken up...thanks again.
Best,
tectak

---

It do.

"hessian"? Don't know about that. Seems at odds.

Dale

Hi Dale,
Do it?
Hessian big in China. Google. Sackcloth to me....jute to you.
This needs work.
Best,
tectak

---

I see you're quite a fan of the long line, there's a good rhythm to this. I wonder about the title as well. The torture part, does the poem justify it?

its secret lost to circling waves. - beyond the necessary rhyme I'm not sure what this adds.

As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes how right you are. Yoda gold would cause me to go apoplectic if you wrote it! The "oe'r" was just to keep the scan. Needs a rewrite:D

I baulked at the old-fashioned formulation of "As gold becomes" and "o'er" - I'd prefer "on". If all the poem were in similar style it wouldn't stick out so much.

Do you need any punctuation after "stirring hopes"? Yep. I think so....the way I am reading it

yet cold enough for clear feigned death - really? You mean a clearly feigned death? I don't understand that!A cock up here. I lost myself as rushed by wife in need of shopping fix.Perhaps "well" or "near" instead of "clear". Major restructure here

I like the last line of the 3rd verse verse very much but I can't really square somnambulistic gait with steaming effort. Personal. I once watched a CCTV video of a police raid in Chinatown, London. About twenty individuals stumbled out of the place half asleep and tried to make their escape. The coldness of the air and the effort involved in moving caused a whole head of steam/smoke to follow them like a wraith. I never forgot the image but was not told until several years later that the raid was on an opium den and was a regular event!

I think you've omitted "who" in the last line.help....not sure where. is it a Paris in the the spring thing?

Thanks all for this. Should not have rushed it. Maybe better in mild but you get the truth on a plate in serious.
Best,
tectak

[penguin]

Shouldn't it be "...death will come to those who let her in"?

[Erthona]

Hessian big in China. Google. Sackcloth to me....jute to you. (Actually "burlap" to me.)

Really? I thought it meant "German". As in Hessian soldiers. Don't google, will search.

Oh, I see. You mean " hessian cloth walls".

I think I would either add cloth, or use burlap (or sackcloth) to avoid confusion. As it was originally exported from India, I doubt they call it hessian in China, and as it brings up unwanted connotation for anyone not from the UK (and there are some of us) I would not use just "hessian", or at least footnote it for Gawds sake!

cheers

Dale

[tectak]

Shouldn't it be "...death will come to those who let her in"?

Bugger me, I read that line over and over and did not spot the missing who.Thanks for that. You have made an old man very happy.
Best,
tectak

---

Hessian big in China. Google. Sackcloth to me....jute to you. (Actually "burlap" to me.)

Really? I thought it meant "German". As in Hessian soldiers. Don't google, will search.

Oh, I see. You mean " hessian cloth walls".

I think I would either add cloth, or use burlap (or sackcloth) to avoid confusion. As it was originally exported from India, I doubt they call it hessian in China, and as it brings up unwanted connotation for anyone not from the UK (and there are some of us) I would not use just "hessian", or at least footnote it for Gawds sake!

cheers

Dale

Dale,
many thanks for you elucidations. I have added greatly to my knowledge base with your helpful comments. How on earth did I get to this age with this gap in my database?
I had never even considered that Hessian Soldiers were from Hesse. I would have argued plausibly the they were so called because they were attired in hessian!
Thanks again,
Best,
Tom

---

Hessian big in China. Google. Sackcloth to me....jute to you. (Actually "burlap" to me.)

Really? I thought it meant "German". As in Hessian soldiers. Don't google, will search.

Oh, I see. You mean " hessian cloth walls".

I think I would either add cloth, or use burlap (or sackcloth) to avoid confusion. As it was originally exported from India, I doubt they call it hessian in China, and as it brings up unwanted connotation for anyone not from the UK (and there are some of us) I would not use just "hessian", or at least footnote it for Gawds sake!

cheers

Dale

Dale,
many thanks for you elucidations. I have added greatly to my knowledge base with your helpful comments. How on earth did I get to this age with this gap in my database?
I had never even considered that Hessian Soldiers were from Hesse. I would have argued plausibly the they were so called because they were attired in hessian!
Thanks again,
Best,
Tom

[Leanne]

I'm going to ignore hessian -- that's what I'd call it anyway, and it didn't stand out as unusual to me. I don't think using the exact word the Chinese would use is of any benefit, since it's most likely a word in one of the Chinese languages! China's closer to Australia than to the UK or USA, so I choose to believe they'd take our word over yours :p

At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. -- love "aspic air", but I wonder why you've got this formatted as a sentence -- personally I'd have punctuated this line and the preceding one with commas.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, -- the rhyme bothers me here -- the accent doesn't fall on "ways" naturally, so to make it work I have to pronounce this awkwardly. It's also a foot short to my ear.
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves. -- this line is lovely

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days, -- this sounds short, I'd put "are" instead of the comma after "men"
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays. -- the images in this stanza are very sensual, they're genuinely warming

But some remain, in dreamless sleep,cold to the touch as feigning death; -- meter's off here just a tad, I have to emphasise "to" instead of "cold" -- what about "But some remain, in dreamless sleep and cold to touch as feigning death"?
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, -- I really like "somnambulistic", kudos for getting it to fit the meter!
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest. -- "one" and then "their" is odd
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those who let her in. -- I'd hyphenate "begged-for"

[tectak]

I'm going to ignore hessian -- that's what I'd call it anyway, and it didn't stand out as unusual to me. I don't think using the exact word the Chinese would use is of any benefit, since it's most likely a word in one of the Chinese languages! China's closer to Australia than to the UK or USA, so I choose to believe they'd take our word over yours :p

At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. -- love "aspic air", but I wonder why you've got this formatted as a sentence -- personally I'd have punctuated this line and the preceding one with commas.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, -- the rhyme bothers me here -- the accent doesn't fall on "ways" naturally, so to make it work I have to pronounce this awkwardly. It's also a foot short to my ear.
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves. -- this line is lovely

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days, -- this sounds short, I'd put "are" instead of the comma after "men"
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays. -- the images in this stanza are very sensual, they're genuinely warming

But some remain, in dreamless sleep,cold to the touch as feigning death; -- meter's off here just a tad, I have to emphasise "to" instead of "cold" -- what about "But some remain, in dreamless sleep and cold to touch as feigning death"?
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, -- I really like "somnambulistic", kudos for getting it to fit the meter!
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest. -- "one" and then "their" is odd
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those who let her in. -- I'd hyphenate "begged-for"

Hi leanne, your crit was timely and just what I needed. I have to go heavy on this to tighten up the meter. I like it when the work gets done for me. Inevitably such changes will result in some structural alterations,too. It is late. I will repost tomorrow. Don't wait up for me.
Best,
tectak

[Universalchild]

I think I'm just being the pedantic one around the hessian, it's only because I know it's a german word. Hesse. I don't think it makes a difference, really.

I also think (yay for brains) that if you keep the title as "Chinese Torture" it should have more of a sense of torture within. It's just far too peaceful. I really get where you are coming from, but the poem itself is of dawn and opium. It has a sleepy, almost dream-like quality to it, quite like when one wakes at dawn/is on the opium, a well-created atmosphere. I wasn't expecting this when I saw the title. What happens in China is just so brutal, particularly now. I feel physically sick when I think about the things I know. I want to unknow them. I'm not sure this poem really does the title justice, nor the title do this poem justice. They just feel very seperate.

[Erthona]

"The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, -- the rhyme bothers me here -- the accent doesn't fall on "ways" naturally, so to make it work I have to pronounce this awkwardly. It's also a foot short to my ear."

Suggestion

Dogs sleep between hessian walls or curl up in the stone stairways,


Dale

[billy]

i'll wait for the edit seeing as everyone else has done my work for me

as for hessian, the only thing i know as hessian is cloth., woven jute etc. potato sacks and shit.

you're long lines are growing on me more and more. i think it really will be better if i wait for the edit

---

oh gosh, look, it's an effin edit already :d

---

i'm replying to this as though i never saw the original:

Chinese Torture edit 1. penguin, universal, erthona this whole line looks like it's part of the title


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. aspic, gives me an image of cooking pots
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, would 'near hessin walls' work better?
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves.

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days,
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays. no nits here. the internal flow trips so easy off the tongue.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep,cold to the touch as feigning death; does it need a comma after touch?
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast, nice word-play
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, is that 1st and needed? the latter part of the sentence is a good strong image
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast. from the steaming breath, i presumed they were outside, now i'm not sure if they're in or out?

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin. excellent
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those who let her in. for me it should have ended at come,


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

I'm not sure the title does it justice. i thought the thing almost excellent. it reads as a narrative of someone who is in the snap shot. the feel of the den is large as is the reason people would go there. not overpowering but it does feel honest. which makes it a keep for me.
i think it still needs a small edit but nothing to great.

thanks for the read.

[tectak]

Chnese Torture? : P Are you sure.

Chinese Torture


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze. I like perfumed haze, not so sure about it being 'the still'.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. Nice alliteration.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, Sorry if I'm just being ignorant, but isn't hessian a European thing?
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves. I love the last part of this line.

As gold becomes the lidded eye that opens east o’er terraced slopes Beautiful image of dawn. I think it is far superior to your opening line, much more powerful.
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days, The first half hits well, the second not so much, maybe because you've already mentioned dogs.
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep, yet cold enough for clear feigned death; I like this a lot, great description.
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, I do know what somnambulistic means, but I doubt most people would... It's a really medical term. And I think it could be easily replaced to make it more universally understandable. I could be wrong though!
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast. I really like this line, I think you could do with adding maybe a couple more images in the poem that remind us that this is China and not anywhere.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast Powerful line, great.
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those let her in.


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

I really loved this, very powerful with so much brilliant imagery. However, although I think this is a beautiful poem, and the ending carries some kind of emotion, I do think that there is a distinct lack of real insight into the subject. It feels skimmed over. I can also only just about tell it's set in China. I would change the title too - doesn't fit the content. Opium is many a thing, but certainly not torture. Torture implies pain, and opium removes it. It doesn't mean it isn't damaging, or deadly, it's just not a painful process. Unless you are withdrawing!

Thanks for this Univ. I took aon board all of your coments and whilst it may appear I did not incorporate them directly i can absoloutely confirm that the slight rewrite was influenced by your observations. This includes the title change. Somnambulist is a pretty well known word and I believe any medical connotations have been stripped away by its general usage. To be honest, the image I had was well served by the word but I agree that you DO need to know its epistemology to get the dreamy, medicated movements through that hazy, morning landscape. If I failed it is because I, like most of us, believe in our own images!
Best,
tectak

---

"The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, -- the rhyme bothers me here -- the accent doesn't fall on "ways" naturally, so to make it work I have to pronounce this awkwardly. It's also a foot short to my ear."

Suggestion

Dogs sleep between hessian walls or curl up in the stone stairways,


Dale

All taken up Dale, Edit 2 posted.
Thanks as always. The title was CRAP.
Best,
tectak

---

i'll wait for the edit seeing as everyone else has done my work for me

as for hessian, the only thing i know as hessian is cloth., woven jute etc. potato sacks and shit.

you're long lines are growing on me more and more. i think it really will be better if i wait for the edit

---

oh gosh, look, it's an effin edit already :d

---

i'm replying to this as though i never saw the original:

Chinese Torture edit 1. penguin, universal, erthona this whole line looks like it's part of the title


At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. aspic, gives me an image of cooking pots
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, would 'near hessin walls' work better?
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves.

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days,
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays. no nits here. the internal flow trips so easy off the tongue.

But some remain, in dreamless sleep,cold to the touch as feigning death; does it need a comma after touch?
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast, nice word-play
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, is that 1st and needed? the latter part of the sentence is a good strong image
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast. from the steaming breath, i presumed they were outside, now i'm not sure if they're in or out?

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin. excellent
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those who let her in. for me it should have ended at come,


tectak
2012-07-11


Seems de rigeur to have a drug infested poem posted so here's one decrying the plight of the old chinese in the face of the new dawn in that country. Death goes on...don't it?

I'm not sure the title does it justice. i thought the thing almost excellent. it reads as a narrative of someone who is in the snap shot. the feel of the den is large as is the reason people would go there. not overpowering but it does feel honest. which makes it a keep for me.
i think it still needs a small edit but nothing to great.

thanks for the read.

Hi billy,
Thanks for your words. I am stuck, I'm afraid, with the long lines. It really does make rhyming verse much easier as you can change direction WITHIN the line to increase your word choice at line end. That's why I do it!
Best,
tectak

---

I'm going to ignore hessian -- that's what I'd call it anyway, and it didn't stand out as unusual to me. I don't think using the exact word the Chinese would use is of any benefit, since it's most likely a word in one of the Chinese languages! China's closer to Australia than to the UK or USA, so I choose to believe they'd take our word over yours :p

At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves. -- love "aspic air", but I wonder why you've got this formatted as a sentence -- personally I'd have punctuated this line and the preceding one with commas.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or curled in stone stairways, -- the rhyme bothers me here -- the accent doesn't fall on "ways" naturally, so to make it work I have to pronounce this awkwardly. It's also a foot short to my ear.
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its secret lost to circling waves. -- this line is lovely

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of dreaming men, dog-barked in to brightening days, -- this sounds short, I'd put "are" instead of the comma after "men"
let glints escape to show the sun that life is here and stirring hopes;
revived by peace in cool, dark night and born again in warming rays. -- the images in this stanza are very sensual, they're genuinely warming

But some remain, in dreamless sleep,cold to the touch as feigning death; -- meter's off here just a tad, I have to emphasise "to" instead of "cold" -- what about "But some remain, in dreamless sleep and cold to touch as feigning death"?
Those living lift in languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath, -- I really like "somnambulistic", kudos for getting it to fit the meter!
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast.

One does not rise, nor stir, nor move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest. -- "one" and then "their" is odd
Pallid on the coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tight drawn skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast
by one who knows that begged for death will come to those who let her in. -- I'd hyphenate "begged-for"

hi leanne,
all good stuff and I am glad of it. Edit2 up with much of your suggestions incorporated. The comma/are Sin S2 would not work with the "are" as I wanted the men to be woken not the orbs. That is all. You are still right about the half-footedness. I will look again.
Best,
tectak

[Leanne]

Nice edit indeed!

L3 is still missing a foot (maybe those dogs gnawed it off); what about:

The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or prowling through the alleyways OR The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or prowling frozen alleyways

Something like that?

[penguin]

For me, the metre in line 3 seems fine. The only problem for me now is lines 7 and 8. I prefer the original. I don't like semi-colon after glint or death being mentioned in consecutive lines.

[Leanne]

"empty" is good

[billy]

At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze.
The aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves.
The dogs, asleep in hessian walls or prowling empty alleyways,
growl at the early heron’s stab, its cover lost to circling waves.

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of restless men, dog-barked in to brightening days,
glint; flickering as dreams depart, of bellies full and fulfilled hopes.
Each cheats close death in cold of night , re-born in warming rays.

Some few remain, in void of sleep, cold to the touch, as feigning death;
then rise in drowsy, languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath,
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; a thin repast.

But one lies late, and does not move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pallid on his coarse hemp mat, he lies inert in tightened skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast,
by one who knows that certain death, will come to those who let her in.


tectak
2012-07-11
Thanks to penguin, universal, erthona, leanne, billy then added empty for leanne

i like the edit though prefer L3 the way it was. (purely out of choice)
i have been looking at the heron line and wondering if it can be better put. at the moment i'm thinking; dog provoking heron or vise verse; which doesn't really work that well. (i've only ever seen herons in the countryside so that's probably tinting my view a little)

good edit

[don miguel]

Hi tectak – This is an intriguing, understated poem; but ultimately perhaps too understated, as I did wonder exactly what it was about after reading it. The explanatory note after the first version gave some clues of course, but also suggested that perhaps you hadn't expressed things wholly as intended through the poem itself.

It's written in cross-rhymed quatrains of iambic octameter, which I can't help but mentally realign as tetrameter. I think it's a good decision to use longer lines given the subject, but the way metre is utilised is a bit of an issue. The first line in particular is too regular ('too penty' as Pound said of some of Eliot's lines in The Waste Land – although maybe 'too octy' here! ) which gives the poem too jolly a rhythm – te-tum-te-tum. This is heightened by the alliteration in the second line, which adds to the lighthearted tone, along with the rhyme scheme. Such jollity seems at odds with the promised 'torture / death' of the title.

Content-wise, it's a slow opening, which isn't much of a problem in itself, although (the 'stretched light' image aside) I do think maybe some hint of what's going on wouldn't go amiss. The repetitive syntax ('The aspic air…', 'The dogs…') and the lack of enjambed lines add to the stasis of this stanza. Maybe longer, more fluid lines of free verse, possibly in the style of C.K. Williams, would be a suitable alternative. Doing so would also mean words like 'somnambulistic' could be accommodated into the poem more easily, without sticking out as much as it does at the moment.

That said, the imagery and imagination shown are compelling – the light 'stretched to ground' is fantastic, especially so given the 'torture' of the title (although this doesn't really seem to be developed in the poem); the air being held by the bamboo shoots is equally inventive and enjoyable to read; likewise 'the effort steaming in their breath'. I like what you're getting at in the final stanza as well, but it wasn't clear enough to really strike home. Have they died fighting for Peace, the poppy being a metaphor for a bullet wound? Or is it a drugs overdose? If so, then why has Peace left a poppy? (And I too was confused by the 'hessian walls'.)

I liked the mention of the heron. Although the image of 'losing its cover to circling waves' doesn't feel right. Surely it would lose its cover because it's just jabbed its beak into the water, to cause the 'circling waves'? At least, that's how I read it. (But it reminds me of a Chinese fairy tale 'The Student and the Heron', in which the student paints a heron on the wall of a bar to pay off his tab, and the heron comes alive and does a little dance! Wonderful. [Although I think it all ends in tears. Boo.])

Anyway, there are some niggling archaisms throughout the poem: 'aglow', 'opens east', 'bellies full', the personification of 'Peace', and 'a thin repast' (substituting 'for' for the semi-colon smoothes things out with the last example). And some awkward phrases: 'Each cheats close death' – four stressed syllables in a row makes for a lumpy line; then 'in cold of night' – where's the 'the'? Even so, it's a well-worn idiom. Also 'dog-barked in' (although maybe you've got an argument to say this enacts the feeling of being rudely awaken). But the punning 'breaking fast' jarred, and I tripped over 'bellies full and fulfilled'. And the rhythm falls very heavily on 'glint' at the start of line 3 (st. 2) after some slightly convoluted syntax.

Also, I wasn't sure about the phase 'light-slit orbs' when describing a Chinese man's eyes. I'm sure it's unintentional, but the use of 'slit' might be one to avoid, I'd have thought.

But, as mentioned, the imagery at the end is appealing, although I think it makes for an ambiguous ending to a rather ambiguous poem. Still, it was one I enjoyed reading. Thanks, dm.

[tectak]

Hi tectak – This is an intriguing, understated poem; but ultimately perhaps too understated, as I did wonder exactly what it was about after reading it. The explanatory note after the first version gave some clues of course, but also suggested that perhaps you hadn't expressed things wholly as intended through the poem itself.

It's written in cross-rhymed quatrains of iambic octameter, which I can't help but mentally realign as tetrameter. I think it's a good decision to use longer lines given the subject, but the way metre is utilised is a bit of an issue. The first line in particular is too regular ('too penty' as Pound said of some of Eliot's lines in The Waste Land – although maybe 'too octy' here! ) which gives the poem too jolly a rhythm – te-tum-te-tum. This is heightened by the alliteration in the second line, which adds to the lighthearted tone, along with the rhyme scheme. Such jollity seems at odds with the promised 'torture / death' of the title.

Content-wise, it's a slow opening, which isn't much of a problem in itself, although (the 'stretched light' image aside) I do think maybe some hint of what's going on wouldn't go amiss. The repetitive syntax ('The aspic air…', 'The dogs…') and the lack of enjambed lines add to the stasis of this stanza. Maybe longer, more fluid lines of free verse, possibly in the style of C.K. Williams, would be a suitable alternative. Doing so would also mean words like 'somnambulistic' could be accommodated into the poem more easily, without sticking out as much as it does at the moment.

That said, the imagery and imagination shown are compelling – the light 'stretched to ground' is fantastic, especially so given the 'torture' of the title (although this doesn't really seem to be developed in the poem); the air being held by the bamboo shoots is equally inventive and enjoyable to read; likewise 'the effort steaming in their breath'. I like what you're getting at in the final stanza as well, but it wasn't clear enough to really strike home. Have they died fighting for Peace, the poppy being a metaphor for a bullet wound? Or is it a drugs overdose? If so, then why has Peace left a poppy? (And I too was confused by the 'hessian walls'.)

I liked the mention of the heron. Although the image of 'losing its cover to circling waves' doesn't feel right. Surely it would lose its cover because it's just jabbed its beak into the water, to cause the 'circling waves'? At least, that's how I read it. (But it reminds me of a Chinese fairy tale 'The Student and the Heron', in which the student paints a heron on the wall of a bar to pay off his tab, and the heron comes alive and does a little dance! Wonderful. [Although I think it all ends in tears. Boo.])

Anyway, there are some niggling archaisms throughout the poem: 'aglow', 'opens east', 'bellies full', the personification of 'Peace', and 'a thin repast' (substituting 'for' for the semi-colon smoothes things out with the last example). And some awkward phrases: 'Each cheats close death' – four stressed syllables in a row makes for a lumpy line; then 'in cold of night' – where's the 'the'? Even so, it's a well-worn idiom. Also 'dog-barked in' (although maybe you've got an argument to say this enacts the feeling of being rudely awaken). But the punning 'breaking fast' jarred, and I tripped over 'bellies full and fulfilled'. And the rhythm falls very heavily on 'glint' at the start of line 3 (st. 2) after some slightly convoluted syntax.

Also, I wasn't sure about the phase 'light-slit orbs' when describing a Chinese man's eyes. I'm sure it's unintentional, but the use of 'slit' might be one to avoid, I'd have thought.

But, as mentioned, the imagery at the end is appealing, although I think it makes for an ambiguous ending to a rather ambiguous poem. Still, it was one I enjoyed reading. Thanks, dm.

Hot Damn! I like this crit more than the poem!!! I will give it more of a read tomorrow. Just for the record, the "torture" bit has left the building.....I never did like it. Jus read it as a sadness. Thanks for this. As I said, I'll be back.
Best,
rectak