Constant Heart Attack

[Eyesofdeepblue]

My very first poem.. want to know if I'm any good.


Constant Heart Attack

I fake a smile so they won't see
What's going on beneath, it's killing me
There are things I wish to know
Memories I pray to let go 
Sometimes I wonder, "are we meant to be?"
More times I hate what you've done to me 
"I cheated on you" you said as a fact
You are my constant heart attack

I gave you everything, my love, my heart
You ran with it, tore it all apart
One night, one girl, one wrong move
Now my world is broken, I don't know what to do
6 months gone and I still find myself going back
You are my constant heart attack 

Flashback to the nights filled with you and me
Your lips on my skin, We fit together so perfectly
My nails down your back, your hands in my hair
I risked thinking there was no better pair
Now, this is only a memory
A consistent reminder of what used to be
It's hard to stand tall without what I lack
You are my constant heart attack

You and I work so well together, but never apart
We went separate ways, you with pieces of my heart
Away from me, you began to fade out
Ran back into the arms of the one thing you couldn't live without
You hurt me so bad, I can't even imagine a comeback
You are my constant heart attack

And now my bottom drawer houses your letters
For some reason, contact with you makes me feel better
Knowing you're growing and making progress is great
You've had time to think and contemplate
So for now my emotions and heartache don't show
They are not all that important for you to know
I'll be here, support-full and laid-back
But still, You are my constant heart attack

[billy]

good or bad or catholic, we don't really care, all we really care about is that you take part in posting poetry and giving feedback and that you want to improve

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My very first poem.. want to know if I'm any good.

hi blue
in general i think you could work with the meter, take a look at some of Leanne's basic meter thread here. and some of her poetry exercises here


Constant Heart Attack

I fake a smile so they won't see
What's going on beneath, it's killing me
There are things I wish to know
Memories I pray to let go 
Sometimes I wonder, "are we meant to be?"
More times I hate what you've done to me 
"I cheated on you" you said as a fact
You are my constant heart attack this is the line to work any edits around.

I gave you everything, my love, my heart too generic, and cliche
You ran with it, tore it all apart
One night, one girl, one wrong move
Now my world is broken, I don't know what to do
6 months gone and I still find myself going back
You are my constant heart attack 

Flashback to the nights filled with you and me
Your lips on my skin, We fit together so perfectly
My nails down your back, your hands in my hair
I risked thinking there was no better pair
Now, this is only a memory
A consistent reminder of what used to be
It's hard to stand tall without what I lack
You are my constant heart attack

You and I work so well together, but never apart
We went separate ways, you with pieces of my heart
Away from me, you began to fade out
Ran back into the arms of the one thing you couldn't live without
You hurt me so bad, I can't even imagine a comeback
You are my constant heart attack

And now my bottom drawer houses your letters
For some reason, contact with you makes me feel better
Knowing you're growing and making progress is great
You've had time to think and contemplate
So for now my emotions and heartache don't show
They are not all that important for you to know
I'll be here, support-full and laid-back
But still, You are my constant heart attack

in many instances the rhymes feel forced. and there's a lot of cliche in there. usually people are of a mind that an odd cliche can be a good thing (under certain circumstances.) mostly their of the same mind that too many is a bad thing, verse 2 and 3 are almost an extended cliche.
love and heartbreak are two of the most common pieces of content that poets use. because of this we have to aim to make each word, phrase, and line as original as can be. One of the main things we need to be able to do as a poet, if you wish to be good, great or mediocre, is accept feedback for what it is. so often we see newbs come and run because they think they're fantastico.....please stay and help be better poets and we'll do the same for you

thanks for the read.

---

for a first poem, it's excellent.

[addy]

Agree, as this is your first poem letting people read it and react to it is already a great first step.

It's got solid stuff in it for a beginners poem. There's meter that's off and some rhymes that are forced but that will improve once you get more poems under your belt and start to rely more on your own voice as a writer. Right now though the emotions are yours some of the words aren't. Some elements were generic for me (cliche in that I see them in other heartbreak poetry) but some elements pinged my interest and really got my mind whirring. The fact that she (the narrator) is still in contact with and expends so much positive emotion on the guy is intriguing.... it reveals she is complicit in her own pain, feeding and nurturing it still. When the guy "ran back to the arms of what he can't live without"... his initial infraction is cheating/one night stand so does the guy have other issues like addiction? Not sure this was elaborated on.

Basically since you are referring to the romance as a heart attack, you can compress this poem more to really distill and wring out the most pain... after all a heart attack is clear, present, overwhelming, and doesn't give you much opportunity to overthink or wallow. Give less misery, more anguish, just imo

[Philatone]

hello! it's great to see you posting

I like the details you engage in here; there is a great attention to detail that may just be one of your strengths. for example, i'm looking at the details of the flashback in stanza 3, and the bottom drawer bit to close. those are things you will want to enhance and continue

right now, i think the poem could be condensed a bit; there is a lot of extra wording and lines that give the poem a bit of unnecessary weight. trying to keep the poem to a set meter will strengthen the lines (though take some slaving over to get the wording right and the words to fit); it will make the rhymes stronger, as you won't be ending a line at any ole time you want.

you're off to a good start