The Shite That Falls From Clouds.

[billy]

1st edit mainly using Leanne's suggestions.

Nightmare dreams precipitate:
Our thunderous thoughts collected;
and with the waking hours done
in sleep we're resurrected.

Through the maelstrom, run boy run
escape is not a given
once the carousel has spun
we'll certainly be riven.

Split asunder, torn apart
from one horrendous killing;
till anew the next one starts
and blood afresh starts spilling.

A lifetime's skies can't hide us.
We fail; fall into the crowd
hit the pavement with a cuss;

catch our breath
and cry out loud.

Original version of:

The Shite That Falls From Clouds.

Nightmare dreams precipitate:
Our thunderous thoughts collected;
and with the waking hours done
in sleep we're resurrected.

Through the maelstrom, run boy run
escape is not a given
once the carousel has spun
we surely will be riven.

Split asunder torn apart
from one horrendous killing;
till anew the next one starts
and blood afresh starts spilling.

A lifetime's skies can't hide us.
We fail; fall into the crowd
hit the pavement with a cuss;
catch our breath and cry out loud.

---

i'm rushing this shit so i expect some kind of adverse reaction

[tectak]

Nightmare dreams precipitate:
Our thunderous thoughts collected;
and with the waking hours done
in sleep we're resurrected.

Through the maelstrom, run boy run
escape is not a given
once the carousel has spun
we surely will be riven.

Split asunder torn apart
from one horrendous killing;
till anew the next one starts
and blood afresh starts spilling.

A lifetime's skies can't hide us.
We fail; fall into the crowd
hit the pavement with a cuss;
catch our breath and cry out loud.

---

i'm rushing this shit so i expect some kind of adverse reaction

Who the fuck wrote this...........it is good!
I will get back
when sober.
Best,
Tectak

[billy]

that's definite adverse reaction

[Leanne]

Nightmare dreams precipitate:
Our thunderous thoughts collected;
and with the waking hours done
in sleep we're resurrected.

Through the maelstrom, run boy run
escape is not a given
once the carousel has spun
we surely will be riven. -- this line is awkward, though metrically sound -- what about "we'll certainly be riven"?

Split asunder torn apart -- a comma would help after asunder
from one horrendous killing; -- "from" or "by"?
till anew the next one starts
and blood afresh starts spilling.

A lifetime's skies can't hide us. -- you miss a foot here, you could try "a lifetime's skies, they can't hide us"
We fail; fall into the crowd -- here you add a foot, maybe "we fail, fall through the crowd"
hit the pavement with a cuss; -- "and" would help at the start of this line
catch our breath and cry out loud. -- I'd be tempted to split this line into two, a variant won't hurt:

catch our breath
cry out loud

Aside from losing your metric mojo in the last stanza, you've put a bloody good poem together here. What are you whinging about?

[Philatone]

really quick, billy

nice flow and rhythm. the word choice was dramatic ("asunder?" really? ), but lends itself well to a topic like this. as pointed out, the meter for some reason takes a back seat at times in the last stanza.

in some ways, the third stanza strikes me as a little extra; it could be removed without really taking away from the piece and connecting the last stanza with the second more.

[billy]

thanks, i think i like the last stanza in there, but i will do some work on it, i like a lot of leanne's suggestions
thanks for the input

[addy]

Solid structure. I think the surface texture is gorgeous, but the core of the poem is weaker: I'm guessing the "nightmare" that precipitates is the collective thoughts and actions of people and how it causes wars, devastation, etc, and indeed your imagery is sufficiently nightmarish and unnerving. but i don't get a strong sense of the message, or why you framed it as something that happens while we are unconscious. Perhaps its just my interpretation of it that's making it fuzzy.

[billy]

Nightmare dreams precipitate:
Our thunderous thoughts collected;
and with the waking hours done
in sleep we're resurrected.

Through the maelstrom, run boy run
escape is not a given
once the carousel has spun
we surely will be riven. -- this line is awkward, though metrically sound -- what about "we'll certainly be riven"?

Split asunder torn apart -- a comma would help after asunder
from one horrendous killing; -- "from" or "by"?
till anew the next one starts
and blood afresh starts spilling.

A lifetime's skies can't hide us. -- you miss a foot here, you could try "a lifetime's skies, they can't hide us"
We fail; fall into the crowd -- here you add a foot, maybe "we fail, fall through the crowd"
hit the pavement with a cuss; -- "and" would help at the start of this line
catch our breath and cry out loud. -- I'd be tempted to split this line into two, a variant won't hurt:

catch our breath
cry out loud

Aside from losing your metric mojo in the last stanza, you've put a bloody good poem together here. What are you whinging about?

thanks leanne, i'll get on it before the weekend and do an edit.

---

Solid structure. I think the surface texture is gorgeous, but the core of the poem is weaker: I'm guessing the "nightmare" that precipitates is the collective thoughts and actions of people and how it causes wars, devastation, etc, and indeed your imagery is sufficiently nightmarish and unnerving. but i don't get a strong sense of the message, or why you framed it as something that happens while we are unconscious. Perhaps its just my interpretation of it that's making it fuzzy.

Thanks addy.
it's just about generic nightmares about dying in a dreamworld. that you see more is a bonus clouds are often associated with dreams and generally we're just shiteballs in skin bags

[billy]

A lifetime's skies can't hide us. -- you miss a foot here, you could try "a lifetime's skies, they can't hide us"
We fail; fall into the crowd -- here you add a foot, maybe "we fail, fall through the crowd"
hit the pavement with a cuss; -- "and" would help at the start of this line

i'm struggling to see where and how i screwed it up, can you help by showing me please. that way i'll know why i'm fixing it

and thanks for the help so far. ><

[Erthona]

The first stanza is excellent, the rest is coattail riding on the first. The muse gave you the first stanza, I guess you thought it wasn't enough and decided to add to it. A shame that.

Dale

[billy]

thanks for the feedback, i will try and improve.

[Leanne]

SPLIT a/SUNder, /TORN a/PART
from ONE/ horREND/ ous KILLing;
TILL a/ NEW the/ NEXT one/ STARTS
and BLOOD/ aFRESH /starts SPILLing. -- see, nice regular alternating meter here, two syllables per foot (iambs and trochees).

A LIFE/time's SKIES/ can't HIDE us.
We FAIL/; fall IN/ to the CROWD
hit the PAVE/ment WITH/ a CUSS; -- meter's all mixed up and your "us" syllables fall in different parts of your feet, so the rhyme is lost unless it's forced.

[billy]

thanks leanne, will see if i can remedy it later on.