the last downsize edit 1a. penguin,billy et al, latterly leanne

[tectak]

Here once I cut the dried, dead poles of summer’s dahlia flags,
the sulphur-stained tubers safely packed in desiccated sand;
parcelled up in gift-box style for opening in spring. Some died, of course.
That was years ago; I left the knife, the grubby duster, the remnants of the year
upon the slatted bench. An ashtray, too, longer ago than I thought,
now topped up with wood chips; I can just recall the last vexatious turning
on my squeaking lathe. A source of pride, a single table leg; never again.

We will leave this place soon. Leave behind the tins and pots and poison jars,
the stiffened bristle brushes, kept in hope of rebirth and suppleness. Me too.
The chisels hang forlorn and yet still keen, never blunted by their purpose
in my time, but sharpened every year, or so I tell myself.
It’s hard to say goodbye to friends like these. Solid, unchanged, ready for their task.
Like so many well remembered, but not seen for year on year, and yet
they will be missed. I cannot see that I will need them now; I once could.

What has changed: them or me? It seems that waste is not the crime it was.
Out go the rusting nails, the slot-top screws: if only the cross-heads had not come along
this ethnic mix would, perhaps, be saved. No. It is time to go. There is always a time.
They rattle through the heap of broken canes, paint-stained cans, evil bottles, metal tube,
corroded iron, broken trowels, a million plastic pots ( I always kept just one or two)
and then silence. I am suddenly transfixed. This edifice before me is my life.
Or strangely, I say inside, my old life. A broken-glass picture tumbles down; my last dog.

Tectak (special thanks to heslopian for grammatical advice)
June 2012

[billy]

i copy and pasted the original for reference sake (so we can see what you buggered up )

Here once I cut the dried, dead poles of summer’s dahlia flags, here works better than there for some reason
the sulphur-stained tubers safely packed in desiccated sand; better that you made clear what corms were
parcelled up in gift-box style for opening in spring. Some died, of course.
That was years ago; I left the knife, the grubby duster, the remnants of the year
upon the slatted bench. An ashtray, too, longer ago than I thought,
now topped up with wood chips; I can just recall the last vexacious turning
on my squeaking lathe. A source of pride, a single table leg; never again. great edit so far.

We will leave this place soon. Leave behind the tins and pots and poison jars,
the stiffened bristle brushes, kept in hope of rebirth and suppleness. Me too.
The chisels hang forlorn and yet still keen, never blunted by their purpose
in my time, yet sharpened every year, or so I tell myself.
It’s hard to say goodbye to friends like these. i do love this line Solid, unchanged, ready for their task.
Like so many well remembered, but not seen for year on year, and yet
they will be missed. I cannot see that I will need them now; I once could.

What has changed, them or me? It seems that waste is not the crime it was.
Out go the rusting nails, the slot-top screws: if only the cross-heads had not come along
this ethnic mix would, perhaps, be saved. No. It is time to go. There is always a time.
They rattle through the heap of broken canes, paint-stained cans, evil bottles, metal tube,
corroded iron, broken trowels, a million plastic pots ( I always kept just one or two)
and then silence. I am suddenly transfixed. This edifice before me is my life.
Or strangely, I say inside, my old life. A broken-glass picture tumbles down; my last dog.

Tectak (special thanks to heslopian for grammatical advice)
June 2012

so so much to enjoy here tectak, the last dog the old friends. i think what edits you did work well, in reality i think you were just polishing a piece of Au; bloody marvellous stuff.

original:

The last downsize.
There once I cut the dried, dead poles of summer’s dahlia flags,
and sulphur-stained I packed the corms in desiccated sand;
parcelled up in gift-box style for opening in spring. Some died, of course.
That was years ago; I left the knife, the grubby duster, the remnants of the year
upon the slatted bench. An ashtray, too, longer ago than I thought,
now topped up with wood chips; I can just recall the last vexacious turning
on my squeaking lathe. A source of pride, a single table leg; never again.

We will leave this place soon. Leave behind the tins and pots and poison jars,
the stiffened bristle brushes, kept in hope of rebirth and suppleness. Me too.
The chisels hang forlorn and yet still keen, never blunted by their purpose
in my time, yet sharpened every year, or so I tell myself.
It’s hard to say goodbye to friends like these. Solid, unchanged, ready for their task.
Like so many well remembered, but not seen for year on year, and yet
they will be missed. I cannot see that I will need them now; I once could.

What has changed? Them or me. It seems that waste is not the crime it was.
Out go the rusting nails, the slot-top screws….if only the cross-heads had not come along
this ethnic mix would, perhaps, be saved. No. It is time to go. There is always a time.
They rattle through the heap of broken canes, paint-stained cans, evil bottles, metal tube,
corroded iron, broken trowels, a million plastic pots ( I always kept just one or two)
and then silence. I am suddenly transfixed. This edifice before me is my life.
Or strangely, I say inside, my old life. A broken-glass picture tumbles down; my last dog.

Tectak
June 2012

[Leanne]

Here once I cut the dried, dead poles of summer’s dahlia flags,
the sulphur-stained tubers safely packed in desiccated sand;
parcelled up in gift-box style for opening in spring. Some died, of course. -- do you need "in" before "gift-box"?
That was years ago; I left the knife, the grubby duster, the remnants of the year
upon the slatted bench. An ashtray, too, longer ago than I thought,
now topped up with wood chips; I can just recall the last vexacious turning -- vexatious
on my squeaking lathe. A source of pride, a single table leg; never again.

We will leave this place soon. Leave behind the tins and pots and poison jars,
the stiffened bristle brushes, kept in hope of rebirth and suppleness. Me too. -- love the sounds in these lines, especially "stiffened bristle brushes", very whispery and wistful
The chisels hang forlorn and yet still keen, never blunted by their purpose
in my time, yet sharpened every year, or so I tell myself. -- two appearances of "yet" in two lines might be one too many -- there's another later on but I'll leave that one alone
It’s hard to say goodbye to friends like these. Solid, unchanged, ready for their task.
Like so many well remembered, but not seen for year on year, and yet
they will be missed. I cannot see that I will need them now; I once could.

What has changed, them or me? It seems that waste is not the crime it was. -- a colon after "changed"?
Out go the rusting nails, the slot-top screws: if only the cross-heads had not come along
this ethnic mix would, perhaps, be saved. No. It is time to go. There is always a time.
They rattle through the heap of broken canes, paint-stained cans, evil bottles, metal tube,
corroded iron, broken trowels, a million plastic pots ( I always kept just one or two) -- love the ironic parentheses
and then silence. I am suddenly transfixed. This edifice before me is my life.
Or strangely, I say inside, my old life. A broken-glass picture tumbles down; my last dog.

This is a genuinely moving poem, Tectak. You control the words beautifully, with just the right amount of alliteration and assonance, never overdone. The few suggestions I have made are, as you'll see, very small ones -- I really enjoyed this.

[tectak]

Here once I cut the dried, dead poles of summer’s dahlia flags,
the sulphur-stained tubers safely packed in desiccated sand;
parcelled up in gift-box style for opening in spring. Some died, of course. -- do you need "in" before "gift-box"?
That was years ago; I left the knife, the grubby duster, the remnants of the year
upon the slatted bench. An ashtray, too, longer ago than I thought,
now topped up with wood chips; I can just recall the last vexacious turning -- vexatious
on my squeaking lathe. A source of pride, a single table leg; never again.

We will leave this place soon. Leave behind the tins and pots and poison jars,
the stiffened bristle brushes, kept in hope of rebirth and suppleness. Me too. -- love the sounds in these lines, especially "stiffened bristle brushes", very whispery and wistful
The chisels hang forlorn and yet still keen, never blunted by their purpose
in my time, yet sharpened every year, or so I tell myself. -- two appearances of "yet" in two lines might be one too many -- there's another later on but I'll leave that one alone
It’s hard to say goodbye to friends like these. Solid, unchanged, ready for their task.
Like so many well remembered, but not seen for year on year, and yet
they will be missed. I cannot see that I will need them now; I once could.

What has changed, them or me? It seems that waste is not the crime it was. -- a colon after "changed"?
Out go the rusting nails, the slot-top screws: if only the cross-heads had not come along
this ethnic mix would, perhaps, be saved. No. It is time to go. There is always a time.
They rattle through the heap of broken canes, paint-stained cans, evil bottles, metal tube,
corroded iron, broken trowels, a million plastic pots ( I always kept just one or two) -- love the ironic parentheses
and then silence. I am suddenly transfixed. This edifice before me is my life.
Or strangely, I say inside, my old life. A broken-glass picture tumbles down; my last dog.

This is a genuinely moving poem, Tectak. You control the words beautifully, with just the right amount of alliteration and assonance, never overdone. The few suggestions I have made are, as you'll see, very small ones -- I really enjoyed this.

Thanks for his, Leanne, especially the spelling correction....over confidence! I will knock out a couple of "yet"'s. Plain laziness.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

now leave it alone please . the yet you removed does add to the piece. as well as the grammar and spelling. small edit but worthwhile. i still love the piece

[Leanne]

Agreed