Just Another Haze

[Universalchild]

I originally constructed this a year ago... Gave it a quick tidy before posting it here. I'd like to refine this into something good. I'm fond of this. I think it marked my first real step into poetry.

I can't decide how to format it! Three big stanza or six small?


----------------

v.2

No memory of how it got to this,
everything is in sepia, rewind,
like an old photograph, this is bliss,
the smoke becomes the smog of mind.

Somewhere distant a guitar thrums low,
disjointed melody, harmony broken,
sound is bleak and drums beat slow,
no singing, the words are unspoken.

Shaking, waking for another hit,
airless, yet each breath feels so cold,
soft around the edges, we submit,
dust lies upon our time untold.

Crawling into this broken paradise,
we wallow in our forsaken rapture,
for this secret delight, pay dire price,
old life that we can never recapture.

Into the gutter, nothing but litter,
there is a sick glamour to my mess,
I'm already dead so I'm not bitter,
no love to mourn, no sin to confess.

The knight of brown industrial waste,
now ready to chase the dragon again,
but truthfully it's just me being chased,
here in this wonderfully filthy den.

----------------

v.1 pre-edit

No memory of how it got to this,
everything is in sepia, rewind,
like an old photograph, this is bliss,
the smoke becomes the smog of mind.

Somewhere distant guitar thrums low,
disjointed melody, harmony broken,
sound is bleak and drums beat slow,
no singing, the words are unspoken.

Shaking, waking, for another hit,
airless yet the air feels so cold,
soft around the edges, we submit,
dust lies upon our time untold.

Crawling into this broken paradise,
we wallow in our forsaken rapture,
for this secret delight, pay dire price,
a life that we can never recapture.

The knight of brown industrial waste,
now ready to chase the dragon again,
but truthfully it's just me being chased,
here in this filthy wonderful den.

Into the gutter, nothing but litter,
there is a sick glamour to my mess,
I'm already dead so I'm not bitter,
no love to mourn, no sin to confess.

[heslopian]

I originally constructed this a year ago... Gave it a quick tidy before posting it here. I'd like to refine this into something good. I'm fond of this. I think it marked my first real step into poetry.

I can't decide how to format it! Three big stanza or six small?


----------------

No memory of how it got to this,
everything is in sepia, rewind, As "rewind" is a verb, it doesn't really fit here. How about "on rewind". Also, as photographs don't rewind I think you're mixing metaphors a bit.
like an old photograph, this is bliss,
the smoke becomes the smog of mind. Maybe another "the" before "mind"?

Somewhere distant guitar thrums low, Either "guitar" should be a plural or there should be an "a" or "the" before "distant".
disjointed melody, harmony broken,
sound is bleak and drums beat slow,
no singing, the words are unspoken.

Shaking, waking, for another hit, Is the second comma in this line needed?
airless yet the air feels so cold, I think a comma after "airless" would help the rhythm.
soft around the edges, we submit,
dust lies upon our time untold.

Crawling into this broken paradise, I like the phrase "broken paradise".
we wallow in our forsaken rapture, "Forsaken rapture" is good too.
for this secret delight, pay dire price,
a life that we can never recapture. I'm confused. Why can't they recapture this life? Surely that's what they keep paying a dire price for?

The knight of brown industrial waste, Great line.
now ready to chase the dragon again,
but truthfully it's just me being chased,
here in this filthy wonderful den. These three lines are a really nice twist on "chasing the dragon".

Into the gutter, nothing but litter,
there is a sick glamour to my mess,
I'm already dead so I'm not bitter,
no love to mourn, no sin to confess. Effective last line.

I like how you convey an almost spiritual monotony and hopelessness in the poem. I think this poem works fine in its present format. Each verse contains a specific idea or theme. Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read

[addy]

This has got a vibe I really enjoy. Don't think the format needs renovation, it works well the way you broke it up.

No memory of how it got to this,
everything is in sepia, rewind,
like an old photograph, this is bliss, What with "memory" and "everything in sepia", I felt that the image of an ld photograph is a little redundant. Just imo though
the smoke becomes the smog of mind.

Somewhere distant guitar thrums low,
disjointed melody, harmony broken,
sound is bleak and drums beat slow,
no singing, the words are unspoken.

Shaking, waking, for another hit,
airless yet the air feels so cold, Darn it, i really like this line, but i'm having trouble justifying in my head the "airless" thing with "air". Maybe use a synonym for air to make it subtler
soft around the edges, we submit,
dust lies upon our time untold. Pretty image, how the layers of dust and time "soften" us

Crawling into this broken paradise,
we wallow in our forsaken rapture,
for this secret delight, pay dire price,
a life that we can never recapture.

The knight of brown industrial waste,
now ready to chase the dragon again,
but truthfully it's just me being chased,
here in this filthy wonderful den. Tiny nit, but for me "wonderful filthy" perhaps rolls off the tongue better

Into the gutter, nothing but litter,
there is a sick glamour to my mess,
I'm already dead so I'm not bitter,
no love to mourn, no sin to confess. I don't know how you'll take this suggestion, since this last stanza is pretty solid--- but imo you can potentially end the poem by inserting the fourth stanza after this one. I feel like there's a nice narrative logic to ending on stanza 4. Maybe just me

[Universalchild]

@addy

It's meant to be like "everything is in sepia like an old photograph" but the line is broken as he can't quite focus - at this point he is starting to come out of the initial hit. I get what you mean though, it is a bit redundant, things don't always carry across the way you mean them to.

I probably should replace air with a synomn, the repetetion was intentional but it bothers me too!

Do you think "wonderfully filthy" would work? Or does it lose meaning?

I agree with you actually, I do think it serves better replaced. I'll do an edit after me bath c:

Thanks for the crit, you've given really sound advice!

I'm really glad you liked the vibe, I do too. It's strange, because the first stanza was written almost stand alone, just with an image I had in my head of an old photograph being taken with smoke rising from the camera, and then it developed into a dusty and disused room, which evolved into a heroin den. The vibe of this poem came before the content, essentially, which is a bit strange, but I'm fond of it.

@heslopian

Thank-you for your kind words. I like your advice and I shall be including some of it in my edit for sure.

On the recapturing part... Well, it's complicated, because not all heroin users/addicts lose touch with their "real life" - Some people are functional heroin addicts, and even though they take it every day, they still function. It's an opiate which you can control the dosage of, you can use it like morphine. I have a relative like this. However, I have gone with the more depressing and stereotyped image of a dysfunctional heroin addict for whom heroin is the sole meaning of their life. They have lost touch with reality and they cannot stop themselves because the euphoria of the heroin is just too good. So the price he is paying is he has lost, not his life breath, but his life in the sense of when you say someone has "got no life" to mean no social life, no job, etc.

I'm really glad it is understood. The monotony and hopelessness was definitely something I wanted to convey.


I've done the edit. I am not sure how I feel yet, need time to compare.

[billy]

I originally constructed this a year ago... Gave it a quick tidy before posting it here. I'd like to refine this into something good. I'm fond of this. I think it marked my first real step into poetry.

I can't decide how to format it! Three big stanza or six small?


----------------

v.2

No memory of how it got to this,
everything is in sepia, rewind, no need for 'in' or 'rewind'
like an old photograph, this is bliss,
the smoke becomes smog of the mind. would 'the' work better before 'smog' as 'the smog of mind'

Somewhere distant a guitar thrums low,
disjointed melody, harmony broken,
sound is bleak and drums beat slow,
no singing, the words are unspoken. i like the feel of this.

Shaking, waking for another hit,
airless, yet each breath feels so cold, no need for 'yet'
soft around the edges, we submit, we or he or i ?
dust lies upon our time untold.

Crawling into this broken paradise,
we wallow in our forsaken rapture, are we on about one addict or all addicts.
for this secret delight, pay dire price, feels forced to fit the rhyme
old life that we can never recapture. as does this

Into the gutter, nothing but litter,
there is a sick glamour to my mess, now the we is my, my works better i think
I'm already dead so I'm not bitter,
no love to mourn, no sin to confess. the last two lines here feels a bit weak

The knight of brown industrial waste,
now ready to chase the dragon again, the 'now' feels unnecessary
but truthfully it's just me being chased,
here in this wonderfully filthy den.

i'm in two mind whether it's an opium den or some addicts pad. i thought it was a well turned piece that needs an edit. the penultimate verse felt the weakest and potentially to clammy or woe is me.

i think the content is okay re the subject matter though i would have liked to see a few specifics on the dragon chasing. i thought the 2nd verse was the best. it set the tone and i felt it would have made a good opening verse.

thanks for the read.

[Universalchild]

Thanks for the suggestions, although I don't want to upset the (however badly created hah) beat by cutting out too many words. I will edit the smog one though, that was how I had it originally and I do prefer it. I think "yet" is needed to connect it together, as it is airless "yet" he can still breathe. I also don't mind imaginative rhymes : P It's quite common for poets to do it and I don't think it hurts the poem at all. Paradise/dice is a very near rhyme, and rapture/recapture is a half rhyme. To my knowledge a forced rhyme is when a rhyme exists purely for it's own sake, like "she was wearing a red dress/and a purple spotty hat/and was eating watercress" and, unlike a slant rhyme, is definitely considered bad writing. A half rhyme or "slant rhyme" is different because it just means words that nearly rhyme. It is used in poetry with a degree of popularity (see Emily Dickinson) and personally I don't think they make a difference. Or, did you mean that those two lines have been forced to fit the poem? Because they do still relate to the content and they also connect that stanza to the next one.

It is meant to be an addicts pad turned opium den. I also described a lot of the effects of heroin - the actual specifics are just shooting up, which I felt didn't need to be said. Do you really think I need to describe it? I kind of prefer vagueness but if it's needed I'll add another stanza. Asides from that, heroin doesn't really "do much" - you might be sick, but that tends to be from doing too much/first time users. There aren't lots of physical side effects from heroin use - as long as you don't OD/stop taking it. The effects of heroin use are much more social and psychological.

[billy]

no problem, it's just the way i saw it

chasing the Dragon isn't about shooting up

[tectak]

I originally constructed this a year ago... Gave it a quick tidy before posting it here. I'd like to refine this into something good. I'm fond of this. I think it marked my first real step into poetry.

I can't decide how to format it! Three big stanza or six small?

It is because this is worthy that I am going to try a line by line. I do, however, believe that the subject matter is past its sell by date.......but who looks at sell by dates.
----------------

v.2

No memory of how it got to this,personalise this to make it a sentence. " I don't know how it got to this;"
everything is in sepia, rewind,"everything in sepia, rewinding,like an old movie". In this blisss, the smoke becomes smog in my mind" A bit cliched but so is the whole subject. I don't think this matters in relating life experiences as a cliche is only irksome if everyone uses it because everyone else does.
like an old photograph, this is bliss,
the smoke becomes smog of the mind.

Somewhere distant a guitar thrums low,"Somewhere a guitar strums a distant, low" See next comment for why
disjointed melody, harmony broken,By saying the guitar "thrums"you have committed to a musical description and so we are not talking about JUST the thrumming now that you bring in melody and harmony...we have whole ensemble somewhere. That's fine but you need to "connect" L2 with L1 to be able to move in to this stanza.Easiest way is to include the guitar by the simple insertion of "a" after thrums. Semi-colon after melody and comma after low.
sound is bleak and drums beat slow,To keep in mood,"the sound is bleak(?),the drum beats slow."
no singing, the words are unspoken.

Shaking, waking for another hit,
airless, yet each breath feels so cold,
soft around the edges, we submit,
dust lies upon our time untold.Noticeably contrived rhymes here. Could be easily remedied by giving a little respect to the meaning of the words used. Submit is wrong meaning and is only there to rhyme with hit. It is even used pointedly, as a filler. Untold is wrong. Same reason but with cold.Try "Thick dust won't
let our time unfold" or somesuch.
Crawling into this broken paradise,
we wallow in our forsaken rapture,a contadictory and nonsensical line. You cannot wallow in it....you have forsaken it
for this secret delight, pay dire price,
old life that we can never recapture.why is it secret, why is it a delight (crawling,broken? Where's the delight?Dire is wrong word

Into the gutter, nothing but litter,
there is a sick glamour to my mess,
I'm already dead so I'm not bitter,
no love to mourn, no sin to confess.not the best stanza but it could be. Mess is to light a word to describe the situation, in my experience. It is a shit-hole situation. Say so. A mess just needs a mother and a mop to put right

The knight of brown industrial waste,
now ready to chase the dragon again,
but truthfully it's just me being chased,
here in this wonderfully filthy den.this last line is so weak that I cannot believe you gave in to the challenge of a rhyme with "again" so easily! It is not even a "good" rhyme

The subject is, as I said, tired. To get away with such heady, opinionated writing you need to bring in something new. You almost did but then gave up on yourself. I liked the attempt to bring real time thinking to a recalled situation (or situations)but you failed to go with your obvious experiences and wrote to ryhme rather than to reason. Could I respectfully suggest that you leave your head behind and write this again with heart. Forget about stanzas an permutations thereof and leave the rhme thing alone,too. Free-verse or prose will give you the freedom of expression you need.
As always, only listen to the critics you agree with......I'm outa here
Best,
Tectak

----------------

v.1 pre-edit

No memory of how it got to this,
everything is in sepia, rewind,
like an old photograph, this is bliss,
the smoke becomes the smog of mind.

Somewhere distant guitar thrums low,
disjointed melody, harmony broken,
sound is bleak and drums beat slow,
no singing, the words are unspoken.

Shaking, waking, for another hit,
airless yet the air feels so cold,
soft around the edges, we submit,
dust lies upon our time untold.

Crawling into this broken paradise,
we wallow in our forsaken rapture,
for this secret delight, pay dire price,
a life that we can never recapture.

The knight of brown industrial waste,
now ready to chase the dragon again,
but truthfully it's just me being chased,
here in this filthy wonderful den.

Into the gutter, nothing but litter,
there is a sick glamour to my mess,
I'm already dead so I'm not bitter,
no love to mourn, no sin to confess.

[penguin]

As someone remarked, the gig has been done to death and while the poem is ok it doesn't really provide any sparkling insights.Some suggestions, anyway.
There's a lot of commas, you could maybe look at getting it to flow more easily. For example .....everything is a sepia rewind

no singing, the words are unspoken - needless repetition

dust lies upon our time untold - I presume this is an instant of what someone referred to as forced rhyme. Dust lies upon our time - that's fine, but what is "untold" meant to signify.

harmony broken and broken paradise - it shouldn't be difficult to find an alternative to the latter.

There is no need of "our" before forsaken rapture

pay dire price - sounds unnatural and forced to fit a rhythm. For this secret delight we pay the price?

"no sin to confess" But isn't that exactly what the poem is doing?

[Universalchild]

@billy

Of course :3

Chasing the dragon can refer to either inhaling or the state addicts get to when they are chasing the ultimate high of heroin. In this instance it could really refer to either.

"The metaphorical meaning of the term alludes to the feeling that the next ingested dosage of the drug will result in a nirvana that seems and feels imminent and conclusive, yet upon consumption never quite yields the promised experience—leading to the desire for the next dose that still promises the same—thus chasing the dragon but never catching it (like "chasing after the wind [a wild wind]", a biblical term). Medically speaking, this sensation is a common aspect of drug addiction in which psychological and physical drug tolerance causes a diminishing return curve in the user's enjoyment of the drug. Here, the "dragon" represents the user's best euphoric experiences with the drug (usually due to novelty and inexperience), but with the positive effects diminishing (and often being replaced with negative effects) over time with each consecutive experience, causing the user to fruitlessly "chase" harder and use more of the drug to try to recapture the initial euphoria."

@tectak

I appreciate your input although I disagree with some of what you are saying. Especially about it being cliche (mind you, I don't mind a cliche as long as it isn't tackily done) because a cliche is something overused to the point where it loses its meaning, and I honestly haven't read that many heroin poems. I'm not saying they don't exist, but I don't think they are overused either.

I will explain a couple of the things you didn't understand, though c: -

Submit and untold are both correctly used.

sub·mit
   [suhb-mit] Show IPA verb, sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting.
verb (used with object)
1.
to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2.
to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
3.
to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a plan; to submit an application.
4.
to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usually followed by a clause): I submit that full proof should be required.

The addicts are submitting to the influence and addiction of the drug.

"dust lies upon our time untold"

Dust lying is meant to imply the staticity of the situation, of how unmoving it is, so that they gather dust like old furniture. Their time is "untold" as in both unrevealed and also inexpressiable - wasting away in the shadows so that nobody really knows.

"we wallow in our forsaken rapture"

To wallow is to live self-indulgently (or to roll around in, like a pig wallows in mud!) and to be "forsaken" means past the point of being able to forsake it... Essentially, they cannot give up their "rapture" - You certainly can live self-indulgently in happiness which you have passed the point of being able to give up!


"for this secret delight, pay dire price,"

why is it secret, why is it a delight (crawling,broken? Where's the delight?Dire is wrong word

The delight is secret because heroin is illegal and if they don't keep it secret they could be arrested/forced into rehab/etc. and it is a delight because heroin is very powerful in the euphoria it gives you. My closest expectation to it comes from my own usage of opiates but I've never done anything that strong. However, most heroin addicts are still aware of how filthy and depraved it still is. And dire isn't the wrong word, dire can be another word for dreadful... And it is a dreadful price!

@penguin

Thanks for the input, I will take what you have said into consideration, especially the double usage of broken (I know what you mean, I don't like seeing the sames words repeated in a poem) -

Although to comment on the last bit, it would depend on how you see wrongdoing. What the voice means is they have never hurt anyone, they've never lied or stolen or cheated, they just live in a world of self-destruction.

[tectak]

@billy

Of course :3

Chasing the dragon can refer to either inhaling or the state addicts get to when they are chasing the ultimate high of heroin. In this instance it could really refer to either.

"The metaphorical meaning of the term alludes to the feeling that the next ingested dosage of the drug will result in a nirvana that seems and feels imminent and conclusive, yet upon consumption never quite yields the promised experience—leading to the desire for the next dose that still promises the same—thus chasing the dragon but never catching it (like "chasing after the wind [a wild wind]", a biblical term). Medically speaking, this sensation is a common aspect of drug addiction in which psychological and physical drug tolerance causes a diminishing return curve in the user's enjoyment of the drug. Here, the "dragon" represents the user's best euphoric experiences with the drug (usually due to novelty and inexperience), but with the positive effects diminishing (and often being replaced with negative effects) over time with each consecutive experience, causing the user to fruitlessly "chase" harder and use more of the drug to try to recapture the initial euphoria."

@tectak

I appreciate your input although I disagree with some of what you are saying. Especially about it being cliche (mind you, I don't mind a cliche as long as it isn't tackily done) because a cliche is something overused to the point where it loses its meaning, and I honestly haven't read that many heroin poems. I'm not saying they don't exist, but I don't think they are overused either.On the other hand, it's just another haze

I will explain a couple of the things you didn't understand, though c: -

Submit and untold are both correctly used.

sub·mit
   [suhb-mit] Show IPA verb, sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting.
verb (used with object)
1.
to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2.
to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.Exactly.....to submit to....if you do not say what you submit to,as you patently did not, then the meaning defaults to (3), which is the wrong meaning. The meaning of words is contextually sensitive.
3.
to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a plan; to submit an application.
4.
to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usually followed by a clause): I submit that full proof should be required.

The addicts are submitting to the influence and addiction of the drug.

"dust lies upon our time untold"

Dust lying is meant to imply the staticity of the situation, of how unmoving it is, so that they gather dust like old furniture. Their time is "untold" as in both unrevealed and also inexpressiable - wasting away in the shadows so that nobody really knows.
I can conceed this one but would argue that the use of "untold" as a specific adjective to "time" pre-empts any further discussion in the piece. Untold it must remain. This is a small point, I admit, but it glares out as a forced rhyme.
"we wallow in our forsaken rapture"

To wallow is to live self-indulgently (or to roll around in, like a pig wallows in mud!) and to be "forsaken" means past the point of being able to forsake it... Essentially, they cannot give up their "rapture" - You certainly can live self-indulgently in happiness which you have passed the point of being able to give up!wallow is familiar to me!

"Wilt thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallow'd in, a score?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.
John Donne"


But your definition of forsaken is a nonsense.You cannot define a meaning of a word by including the word in the meaning! "Forsaken" by any definition means to have BEEN left or given up on.......not wallowable inBTW ,and a propos, the Oxford Dictionary is not keen on "staticity" but would permit it to be used as a term relating to a degree of "static" (electricity). In the sense you used it I understood what you meant.....but there are no degrees of "static" when referring to "movement".....so no "staticity". Used as you did is a little like saying something is "zeroish". Again, the wrong word. God, my degree of pedantricity is nothing less than infinite. Hmmmm.


"for this secret delight, pay dire price,"

why is it secret, why is it a delight (crawling,broken? Where's the delight?Dire is wrong word

The delight is secret because heroin is illegal and if they don't keep it secret they could be arrested/forced into rehab/etc. and that is your definition of a delight?and it is a delight because heroin is very powerful in the euphoria it gives you.yes to this, so separate the two states. You cannot encompass the two diametrically opposites under one umbrella. The piece deserves the clarification of the divided viewpoint. My closest expectation to it comes from my own usage of opiates but I've never done anything that strong. However, most heroin addicts are still aware of how filthy and depraved it still is. And dire isn't the wrong word, dire can be another word for dreadful... And it is a dreadful price!Again, I feel
little misunderstood myself......when I said that dire was the wrong word I did not mean that it was incorrect in definition.......I meant it was the wrong word to choose...choose another.
In all of this banter, I would not have you believe for one moment that this was a poem falling short of either expectations or your own standards. The continuously and continual addage. Listen to the critics and take the best from them. Do as you will with the rest. All is opinion.
Best,
Tectak

@penguin

Thanks for the input, I will take what you have said into consideration, especially the double usage of broken (I know what you mean, I don't like seeing the sames words repeated in a poem) -

Although to comment on the last bit, it would depend on how you see wrongdoing. What the voice means is they have never hurt anyone, they've never lied or stolen or cheated, they just live in a world of self-destruction.

[Universalchild]

@tectak

Well, I don't think playing on a cliche is the same as just using one : P But point well taken.

I don't think I really need to explain what they are submitting to, as the entire poem revolves around a single subject. I understand you feel the need to dig around meanings, but if people can understand, I think it is acceptable to bend rules a little. It only becomes a problem when people (generally) don't get it, and most people I've shown this poem to understand at least most of it.

I don't think it's a forced rhyme so I'll be leaving it in, but that is opinion. I only consider a rhyme forced if it doesn't fit the context.

I'm exactly the sort of person who plays with language and enjoys it. As long as I am understandable, I don't frankly care. I find pedantry amusing but I don't take it to heart. You would probably cringe if you could hear half the words me and my friends come up with, mostly things like "shminky" (dirty) - "mud fluppet" (wasted) - "gunty" (something rude) - "durdle" (applies to anything really) - "jerbs" (things) and other such nonsense. The worst part is you end up using it around normal people and they get confused. Although for some reason people seem to accept jerbs as a word : P I do try and refrain from using it in poetry/any other writing if I can help it. Which is why I did not include staticity. I think forsaken can stay though. I think it still fits in fine. Alas I lack your passion for defining words that strongly.

I don't think I need to divide it. It's a secret delight, in my view.

I might change dire though. I'm not particularly fond of it. Do you have any suggestions?

I always listen to critics and almost always use some of their advice, however I also think people are potentially wrong and sometimes I might be right. I just go with what I feel and think and hope it creates something good. I'm not trying to be argumentative! I'm just defending the way I think. I still understand and accept everything you say - after all, we're all entitled to our own opinions. Many celebrated poems bore the crap out of me and I'm not particularly a stickler for rules and regulations. I like my poetry to make sense and have correct spellings/punctuation/etc. but I think a bit of freedom is always good for the old creativity. I know not everybody appreciates this though, and that it isn't the only way to create poetry. We're all free to do what we want with it, really.

Thank-you for taking the time to read my poem and make suggestions. I really enjoy getting feedback positive or negative c:

[billy]

feedback isn't about conflict UC we give our POV and that's it. unless we miss a fact. describing what something is meant to be is like closing the door after the horse has left the house kind of thing. i used to chase the dragon, it's a factual term given to a factual practice, the metaphorical dragon comes from there being wisps of smoke when you heat the junk on foil over a flame. the chase comes form following the smoking junk as it turns to liquid and smoke and rolls down the foil. it has nothing to do with the high they chase. though i suppose you may mean that in your poem.

[tectak]

@tectak

Well, I don't think playing on a cliche is the same as just using one : P But point well taken.

I don't think I really need to explain what they are submitting to, as the entire poem revolves around a single subject. I understand you feel the need to dig around meanings, but if people can understand, I think it is acceptable to bend rules a little. It only becomes a problem when people (generally) don't get it, and most people I've shown this poem to understand at least most of it.

I don't think it's a forced rhyme so I'll be leaving it in, but that is opinion. I only consider a rhyme forced if it doesn't fit the context.

I'm exactly the sort of person who plays with language and enjoys it. As long as I am understandable, I don't frankly care. I find pedantry amusing but I don't take it to heart. You would probably cringe if you could hear half the words me and my friends come up with, mostly things like "shminky" (dirty) - "mud fluppet" (wasted) - "gunty" (something rude) - "durdle" (applies to anything really) - "jerbs" (things) and other such nonsense. The worst part is you end up using it around normal people and they get confused. Although for some reason people seem to accept jerbs as a word : P I do try and refrain from using it in poetry/any other writing if I can help it. Which is why I did not include staticity. I think forsaken can stay though. I think it still fits in fine. Alas I lack your passion for defining words that strongly.

I don't think I need to divide it. It's a secret delight, in my view.

I might change dire though. I'm not particularly fond of it. Do you have any suggestions?
Try "for this secret desire, a hidden price"....or just make up a word
I always listen to critics and almost always use some of their advice, however I also think people are potentially wrong and sometimes I might be right. I just go with what I feel and think and hope it creates something good. I'm not trying to be argumentative! I'm just defending the way I think. I still understand and accept everything you say - after all, we're all entitled to our own opinions. Many celebrated poems bore the crap out of me and I'm not particularly a stickler for rules and regulations. I like my poetry to make sense and have correct spellings/punctuation/etc. but I think a bit of freedom is always good for the old creativity. I know not everybody appreciates this though, and that it isn't the only way to create poetry. We're all free to do what we want with it, really.

Thank-you for taking the time to read my poem and make suggestions. I really enjoy getting feedback positive or negative c:

[Erthona]

six

"rewind" is often used that way in common usage nowadays,
rewind, so for me it's good, I say let it stay.


Dale

[Universalchild]

@billy

I'm not trying to cause conflict, I'm only defending my point because you've said something was wrong and I disagree.
It is the original meaning but it has evolved passed that kind of like a modern slang phrase. I respect that you dislike the way I have used the phrase but I'm not being contrary, this is something I was taught on a drug & alcohol awareness course -

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.ph...the+dragon
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chasing_the_dragon (see the metaphorical section)

Sorry if I've upset you, but I think I should be allowed to defend my reasoning for using something.

@tectak

I don't think that makes sense, but thanks for the input.

@dale

Yeah I will leave it in, I like it. I still need to improve upon this but I'm happy for now.

[billy]

you miss my point. that you were on a course doesn't matter. nor does your POV
in general a poem needs to defend itself. at 56 years of age , i've been on and around most drugs most of life. not in a course or a class, and even that doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if i were houdini on opium or winehouse on crack coke.

by all means explain your reasoning but to defend seems a bit of waste once a view has been given. and while chasing the dragon may have a certain metaphorical connotation. in the real world it has only one, junkies are only interested in chasing real dragons. and the metaphorical sense isn't that modern. it's just not a stance taken by users. that's my POV.
while you have a differing one it won't change mine. when i say it isn't about conflict i meant it isn't about you having to try to prove to me that you're right and i'm wrong, as the one giving feedback it's my POV that matters; or not, depending on whether you use it or not. unfair i know and many will disagree with me but that's cool.

i will never be upset with discussions in feedback, unless they break the rules. ><><><