Love Letter

[whitewand6]

version 2:


my ageless earth
let me be your
epheremal
earthworm
and burrow
till nibbana

my fecund valley
let me be your
ocher shrub
and seep in
your essnce

let me

blossom
burst
manifold

as you

guide
yield
fulfil

let me be
born in you
beyond
forever

yes

love

needs
a body
a voice
a phallus
a sky
us

it

transcends
beyond
transparency

permeates
beyond
permanence

binds us
in blessed
synchrony
of soma
psyche
self

pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e
as I suckle on life force

so lets curl in
our womb
and float
till
nonbeing



-----------------------------------------------------------------------
[size=medium]

Be my earth
let me be your earthworm

Be my valley
let me be your ocher shrub

let me

blossom
burst
manifold

Be my body
let me be your soul

guiding
yielding
fulfilling

I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus

Love needs a sky-
nude and endless

Love transcends
beyond transparency

Love permeates
beyond permanence

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant

Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e

as I suckle on life force

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and
lovelorn earth mingle

your womb of rain

Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
.

[Aish]

Hi, Sumeet.

The overall core of tantric philosophy and transcendental communion in this offering is presented with reverence. I really enjoy the worshipful tone for the feminine aspect. The triumvirate of organic incarnations of fertility symbols was nice, you used earth, cosmic plane, and womb. There is clear interplay between incarnation and spirit, awakening and physicality.
You seemed to embrace the concept of duality, as above so as below.

I kind of hope there is a companion piece, because this only dealt with light/sex/communion without addressing dark/separation/destruction. I did see a few hints at the possibility this is a poetic re telling of the Vedic
Trimurti, and surely the edification of Brahma?

I do feel S1 L2 & S2 L2 need work. I like the idea, but not the presentation.
The enjabment works for me.
"Pluck me from
hypersilence" is rather inspired, especially drawing out hypersilence the way you did. The space between the letters not only denotes atomic space, but also the pre-quiet of Avyachta and the held breath between heartbeats.

I do not like S22.

There are a few places that could use a small touch of editing. Overall I really like this piece. Apologies if I am way off base.

[Wildcard]

Hi whitewand6,
I struggled in reading this, but then again I struggled reading Dr. Seuss to my niece today as well :p

I didn't get a lot of the references although the vibe was very interesting.

Be my earth
let me be your earthworm --a little corny/cliche for my taste

Be my valley
let me be your ocher shrub

let me

blossom
burst
manifold

Be my body
let me be your soul

guiding
yielding
fulfilling

I long to be born in you -- To me this is the first spark of life in this poem. These lines begin to take me somewhere that I like and sound fresh and well-thought-out.
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me --nourish and nurture bounce with consonance and really work well together

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus

Love needs a sky-
nude and endless --from phallus to these lines is a nice ride. I'm jealous

Love transcends
beyond transparency

Love permeates
beyond permanence -- the first bounce between nurture and nourish was good, but this is better IMO

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant

Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e --awesome use of format to enhance the meaning.

as I suckle on life force

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and --nude sky again? I think maybe you should look for alternatives here
lovelorn earth mingle

your womb of rain

Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
.

Obviously just my opinion on all counts. Thanks for sharing such a lovely piece.

[billy]

Hi ww6

Be my earth good 1st line. has many connotations
let me be your earthworm feels male orientated as in burrowing into you

Be my valley
let me be your ocher shrub ochre shrub feels to innocuous, and i know of the ocher bust/tree in africa and the ochre bush in australia (i think) which makes me wonder where this fleshy valley is

let me

blossom
burst
manifold i like the word and see what meaning you attach to it and it is the correct usage, but i being male on;y ever see manifold as a machines part on a car engine. also, blossom and burst are actions in the tense used here and manifold is an article.

Be my body
let me be your soul cliche

guiding
yielding
fulfilling

I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus tell me about it

Love needs a sky-
nude and endless great line

Love transcends
beyond transparency

Love permeates
beyond permanence

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant

Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e

as I suckle on life force

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and repetition
lovelorn earth mingle

your womb of rain

Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
.

i like the sparseness of it but i think for it to be so sparse, it needs more powerful words than;

Be my body
let me be your soul

guiding
yielding
fulfilling

I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me which feels a little like an extended cliche.
unlike;

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus with phallus adding that extra push (forgive the pun)

the 2nd part i showed is a strong complete statement, the first one i showed needs to be of similar strength.
in a less sparse piece of writing we can use a few weaker words without them being noticed. but in a minimal piece like this all the words need to count. that said i don't think it needs much of edit to beef it up with some solid feeling and emotion

let me

guide
yield
fulfil you, or not as you see fit

thanks for the read and the first poem of many.

[tectak]

Be my earth
let me be your earthworm

Be my valley
let me be your ocher shrub

let me

blossom
burst
manifold

Be my body
let me be your soul

guiding
yielding
fulfilling

I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus

Love needs a sky-
nude and endless

Love transcends
beyond transparency

Love permeates
beyond permanence

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant

Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e

as I suckle on life force

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and
lovelorn earth mingle

your womb of rain

Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
.

First of all, welcome. You are a brave man to post in "serious crit". I will try to keep this crit on track but must begin by saying that my thoughts on your effort are not spontaneous.....I have read this stuff before and feel quite confident, after many years, that not only will I read it again but that I will feel the same way about it. I say this in order to emphasise three points.
1) My critique is not malicious, it is informed.
2) Your own thoughts on your work will only be modified by reasoned arguement if you are a reasonable man.
3) The opinion of others is only valid if you care about your own work.

OK. Overview. This piece is sparse. If I say it is the apparent result of only a few seconds work it is because I can, and did, churn out such pseudo-metaphysical froth, on demand, for years. Unless your effort DISPLAYS effort it is undeserving and needless of criticism. It is written by you and for you and there is an end to it.
____________________________________________________________
Let us assume I am wrong, then:
Be my earth
let me be your earthworm
---------------------------------------
Here are two unmatched lines which on first read seem clear. "be my earth" is a "possessive" statement of commanding force. The second line does not follow, either in sentiment, it is begging, or in meaning. Metaphorically it is senseless. You are to become earthworm in your own earth, simultaneously. It is a harder point than you WOULD have realised if you had spent some time on it. A bad suggestion would be " If you were the earth around me, I would be an earthworm. "
Aish attempted, valiantly, to tilt tantrically into this piece. Believe me, I have been tantric, in all its aspects, for fourty years or more (though I did not realise it!) and tantric this ain't.
____________________________________________________________
Be my valley
let me be your ocher shrub
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Again, almost by accident, or so it seems, you repeat the error of duplicated anthropomorphic personna. You are asking to be a valley and a shrub, this time. The solution is the same. "If you were a valley, I would be an ocher shrub". To me, this is lazy work...or no work at all. Imagery of this simplicity may be cute but it is immature in that listing of "If/then" constructs ( blatently and obviousy avoided by clipping of already short lines) is a well know device. If your were honey, I would be a bee/If you were a river, I would be a swan/bridge/damn/ If you were a cloud, I would be the wind/sun/blah blah blah. It is painfully childish and for saying so I apologise but this whole piece may be an aberration and great things will follow.
____________________________________________________________
let me

blossom
burst
manifold

Be my body
let me be your soul
------------------------------------------------------------------
You went for tiffin at the beginning of this. Lost for words you just gave up. "Let me blossom burst manifold" is just not worthy(Don't blame me for corrupting the line...it's you who left out the punctuation!) The WORDS indicate a wish to consummate a healthy relationship with the piece, but to leave off the condom of understanding inevitably leads to the whole thing squirting wastefully across the page. Realising this you tried to get to the tissue box in which you found, oh no, not again, "be my body, let me be your soul". Atishoo, acliche!
_________________________________________________________
guiding
yielding
fulfilling

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Listing of "ings" is irritat(ing). It is so simplistically staged that were you to write the whole thing in the same style Dr.Seuss would be on the phone claiming plagiarism( did someone else mention Dr. Seuss? Well there you are, then)
Here we go. Count to ten. One....Two..
Bleeding, breathing, loving, needing,
thrilling, chilling, killing, breeding,
Hurting, flirting, blurting, clinging,
Singing, peeling, chanting, dinging......nine...ten.
Hey....I'm a poet....and I don't know it....hope I don't blow it (Yes, yes, I know its BD)
Now, regarding your forensic definition of what love needs. I am not even going to comment. Please try to redefine using some consideration for what you are saying. That you even considered trying to define what love needs is certainly imprudent, but to try to accomplish this weighty task in THREE WORDS smacks of at best, arrogance and at worst ignorance.......neither of which, I am sure, apply to you.
_____________________________________________________________
I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me

Yes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
No.
_____________________________________________________________
Love needs a sky-
nude and endless

Love transcends
beyond transparency

Love permeates
beyond permanence

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant
---------------------------------------------------------------
And as if in vindication you come out with the above. Beautifully lineated thoughts, somehow serially ordered, almost written by someone else. Congratulations. This last is quite intoxicating though I am unsure of "permeates beyond permanence" .Latin permere-to pentrate, but permanēre, present participle of "to remain" Hmmm. Still nice.
_________________________________________________________
Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e
---------------------------------------------------------------
And today's apt platitude is:don't make up words that others have already made up without being sure that their meaning is the same as your meaning (a n d m a k i n g t h e w o r d longer by double spacing is quite pointless. Hypersilence is not a real word any more than is h y p e r s i l e n c e. Google it.

_______________________________________________________
as I suckle on life force

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and
lovelorn earth mingle
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Physically impossible even to imagine! And here comes that nude sky again. Find some other words or risk being caught in a cliche of your own making! Again, fine sounding words but utterly without meaning except to the eulogist......and that's the last thing we want on this site
_____________________________________________________________
your womb of rain
Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
---------------------------------------------------------------------
You have now run out of steam. Just time to slip in another womb or so and a nice cliche to finish with. Drop this last group of lines. In fact, just cutting any lines from this last group would not make any significant difference either locally or to the whole global shebang. That is the real problem with this bitty, disconnected, clipped , unpunctuated style. It doesn't really matter what you put in to it because it doesn't really matter what you take out of it. On the other hand, if you were to use the gossamer guts of the piece, you could construct a whole body around your own words.....that would be an interesting exercise.
Best,
tectak

[whitewand6]

First of all, welcome. You are a brave man to post in "serious crit". I will try to keep this crit on track but must begin by saying that my thoughts on your effort are not spontaneous.....I have read this stuff before and feel quite confident, after many years, that not only will I read it again but that I will feel the same way about it. I say this in order to emphasise three points.
1) My critique is not malicious, it is informed.
2) Your own thoughts on your work will only be modified by reasoned arguement if you are a reasonable man.
3) The opinion of others is only valid if you care about your own work.

OK. Overview. This piece is sparse. If I say it is the apparent result of only a few seconds work it is because I can, and did, churn out such pseudo-metaphysical froth, on demand, for years. Unless your effort DISPLAYS effort it is undeserving and needless of criticism. It is written by you and for you and there is an end to it.
____________________________________________________________
Let us assume I am wrong, then:
Be my earth
let me be your earthworm
---------------------------------------
Here are two unmatched lines which on first read seem clear. "be my earth" is a "possessive" statement of commanding force. The second line does not follow, either in sentiment, it is begging, or in meaning. Metaphorically it is senseless. You are to become earthworm in your own earth, simultaneously. It is a harder point than you WOULD have realised if you had spent some time on it. A bad suggestion would be " If you were the earth around me, I would be an earthworm. "
Aish attempted, valiantly, to tilt tantrically into this piece. Believe me, I have been tantric, in all its aspects, for fourty years or more (though I did not realise it!) and tantric this ain't.
____________________________________________________________
Be my valley
let me be your ocher shrub
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Again, almost by accident, or so it seems, you repeat the error of duplicated anthropomorphic personna. You are asking to be a valley and a shrub, this time. The solution is the same. "If you were a valley, I would be an ocher shrub". To me, this is lazy work...or no work at all. Imagery of this simplicity may be cute but it is immature in that listing of "If/then" constructs ( blatently and obviousy avoided by clipping of already short lines) is a well know device. If your were honey, I would be a bee/If you were a river, I would be a swan/bridge/damn/ If you were a cloud, I would be the wind/sun/blah blah blah. It is painfully childish and for saying so I apologise but this whole piece may be an aberration and great things will follow.
____________________________________________________________
let me

blossom
burst
manifold

Be my body
let me be your soul
------------------------------------------------------------------
You went for tiffin at the beginning of this. Lost for words you just gave up. "Let me blossom burst manifold" is just not worthy(Don't blame me for corrupting the line...it's you who left out the punctuation!) The WORDS indicate a wish to consummate a healthy relationship with the piece, but to leave off the condom of understanding inevitably leads to the whole thing squirting wastefully across the page. Realising this you tried to get to the tissue box in which you found, oh no, not again, "be my body, let me be your soul". Atishoo, acliche!
_________________________________________________________
guiding
yielding
fulfilling

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Listing of "ings" is irritat(ing). It is so simplistically staged that were you to write the whole thing in the same style Dr.Seuss would be on the phone claiming plagiarism( did someone else mention Dr. Seuss? Well there you are, then)
Here we go. Count to ten. One....Two..
Bleeding, breathing, loving, needing,
thrilling, chilling, killing, breeding,
Hurting, flirting, blurting, clinging,
Singing, peeling, chanting, dinging......nine...ten.
Hey....I'm a poet....and I don't know it....hope I don't blow it (Yes, yes, I know its BD)
Now, regarding your forensic definition of what love needs. I am not even going to comment. Please try to redefine using some consideration for what you are saying. That you even considered trying to define what love needs is certainly imprudent, but to try to accomplish this weighty task in THREE WORDS smacks of at best, arrogance and at worst ignorance.......neither of which, I am sure, apply to you.
_____________________________________________________________
I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me

Yes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
No.
_____________________________________________________________
Love needs a sky-
nude and endless

Love transcends
beyond transparency

Love permeates
beyond permanence

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant
---------------------------------------------------------------
And as if in vindication you come out with the above. Beautifully lineated thoughts, somehow serially ordered, almost written by someone else. Congratulations. This last is quite intoxicating though I am unsure of "permeates beyond permanence" .Latin permere-to pentrate, but permanēre, present participle of "to remain" Hmmm. Still nice.
_________________________________________________________
Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e
---------------------------------------------------------------
And today's apt platitude is:don't make up words that others have already made up without being sure that their meaning is the same as your meaning (a n d m a k i n g t h e w o r d longer by double spacing is quite pointless. Hypersilence is not a real word any more than is h y p e r s i l e n c e. Google it.

_______________________________________________________
as I suckle on life force

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and
lovelorn earth mingle
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Physically impossible even to imagine! And here comes that nude sky again. Find some other words or risk being caught in a cliche of your own making! Again, fine sounding words but utterly without meaning except to the eulogist......and that's the last thing we want on this site
_____________________________________________________________
your womb of rain
Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
---------------------------------------------------------------------
You have now run out of steam. Just time to slip in another womb or so and a nice cliche to finish with. Drop this last group of lines. In fact, just cutting any lines from this last group would not make any significant difference either locally or to the whole global shebang. That is the real problem with this bitty, disconnected, clipped , unpunctuated style. It doesn't really matter what you put in to it because it doesn't really matter what you take out of it. On the other hand, if you were to use the gossamer guts of the piece, you could construct a whole body around your own words.....that would be an interesting exercise.
Best,
tectak

Tectak. Thank you for taking the time. It means a lot.

I had a meaningful smile when I saw 'brave man' for I had an image of an experienced adolescent commiting harakiri in front a group of trained ninjas. [It was that kind of brave] But in a way, I need to work seriously on my poetry and this looks like a memorable start.

The reason I posted this in 'serious critique' was simple. 'Keep it up' and 'Great work' were not helping and with my lifestyle it is nearly impossible to seek it in in the physical world. [Yes. I started by sharing poems on Facebook as 'notes', so you get an idea.]

Yes. This is not Tantric. Being an ardent Shiva devotee and having spent years studying seminal works regarding Aghora, Vajrayaana and Shakti worship, I could guarantee it. Most importantly for one simple reason. Tantra is not some Judy Kuriansky book for busy couples, rather a way of life. Moreover Tantric and Tantrik are two different streams. I am largely unaware of Tantric [the adjective, largely a recycled product of the west from Ancient Hindu/Buddhist spiritual practices]. The latter has been somehow my fascination for the last few years.The core philosophy is far bigger a truth to even attempted to imbibe in any form of art. And if that level is achieved, it would be a work that will stand the test of time. [Hence pseudo-metaphysical froth] And sir, forty years is indeed an achievement. Respectful bow.

I am relatively inexperienced as a poet. I have been told to read poetry before even starting to attempt to write. I have chosen otherwise [It is primarily obvious] in the hope that it will be a continual process along with writing.

I chose to post this as the first poem for the same reason Kris Kelvin decides to go to Solaris. And I hope unlke Lem's novel, I manage to understand all the aspects I have sought.

The poem is indeed sparse as pointed before. The lack of punctuation was intentional as well. [Probably such a style would have worked for another piece unlike this one]

I have carefully studied your detailed review. I do respect your opinion and have put it to serious consideration. I believe it needs a few revisions and rewrites. [Will take your further suggestions to improve upon]

Being one of my earliest poems [Written in early 2009] I genuinely look forward to improve it in every way possible.

Looking forward to it,

Whitewand6

---

Hi, Sumeet.

The overall core of tantric philosophy and transcendental communion in this offering is presented with reverence. I really enjoy the worshipful tone for the feminine aspect. The triumvirate of organic incarnations of fertility symbols was nice, you used earth, cosmic plane, and womb. There is clear interplay between incarnation and spirit, awakening and physicality.
You seemed to embrace the concept of duality, as above so as below.

I kind of hope there is a companion piece, because this only dealt with light/sex/communion without addressing dark/separation/destruction. I did see a few hints at the possibility this is a poetic re telling of the Vedic
Trimurti, and surely the edification of Brahma?

I do feel S1 L2 & S2 L2 need work. I like the idea, but not the presentation.
The enjabment works for me.
"Pluck me from
hypersilence" is rather inspired, especially drawing out hypersilence the way you did. The space between the letters not only denotes atomic space, but also the pre-quiet of Avyachta and the held breath between heartbeats.

I do not like S22.

There are a few places that could use a small touch of editing. Overall I really like this piece. Apologies if I am way off base.

Aish,

Thank you for your time and effort.

You have encompassed the core principles of Shakti worship in your feedback and that brings a lot of joy. [Especially 'the triumvirate of organic incarnations of fertility symbols was nice, you used earth, cosmic plane, and womb']

I have always believed the reader completes the whole process and that is the single reason a writer/a poet should keep on working on any creation[A story/a poem]till it does speak to the reader. Afterwards it is left to the reader to connect the dots and comprehend, which could be unique from others.

I had written this in 2009 along with a series of two other poems. I whole heartedly agree on the companion piece[ Like Yin and Yang] I would like to improve this poem by all means and then hopefully will share the other two.
[Your knowledge of these aspects of Hinduism fascinates me at so many levels]

Thanks for sharing your feedback. Clearly these needs rework [That was the reason I had posted it so that I could take in all the suggestions]

As mentioned by Tectac, hypersilence is not really a word on its own. But for such poems, I take the liberty to manufacture hybrids as I often believe they serve a purpose [Multiplying the effect of a superlative] I am glad it had its appeal on you. [Avyachata. Gasp. You have studied religion comprehensively, I can tell you that.]

S22 is redundant. Yes. The last two stanzas are infact. I plan to rework on it and share a second draft. Will keep all the aspects in mind.

Thank you again for your time,

Sumeet

---

Hi whitewand6,
I struggled in reading this, but then again I struggled reading Dr. Seuss to my niece today as well :p

I didn't get a lot of the references although the vibe was very interesting.

Be my earth
let me be your earthworm --a little corny/cliche for my taste

Be my valley
let me be your ocher shrub

let me

blossom
burst
manifold

Be my body
let me be your soul

guiding
yielding
fulfilling

I long to be born in you -- To me this is the first spark of life in this poem. These lines begin to take me somewhere that I like and sound fresh and well-thought-out.
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me --nourish and nurture bounce with consonance and really work well together

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus

Love needs a sky-
nude and endless --from phallus to these lines is a nice ride. I'm jealous

Love transcends
beyond transparency

Love permeates
beyond permanence -- the first bounce between nurture and nourish was good, but this is better IMO

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant

Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e --awesome use of format to enhance the meaning.

as I suckle on life force

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and --nude sky again? I think maybe you should look for alternatives here
lovelorn earth mingle

your womb of rain

Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
.

Obviously just my opinion on all counts. Thanks for sharing such a lovely piece.

Mark,

Thank you for your time and effort in advance.

Hypersilence [The word and the format] were a little controversial elsewhere and there was a mixed house. I am glad it worked for you.

'Nude sky' has been indeed repeated. Yes. And an alternative is a must in its place.

I do understand that it was not a smooth ride and there were abrupt moments. Hope that a rewrite will improve the present state of affairs.

Respect,

Sumeet

---

Hi ww6

Be my earth good 1st line. has many connotations
let me be your earthworm feels male orientated as in burrowing into you

Be my valley
let me be your ocher shrub ochre shrub feels to innocuous, and i know of the ocher bust/tree in africa and the ochre bush in australia (i think) which makes me wonder where this fleshy valley is

let me

blossom
burst
manifold i like the word and see what meaning you attach to it and it is the correct usage, but i being male on;y ever see manifold as a machines part on a car engine. also, blossom and burst are actions in the tense used here and manifold is an article.

Be my body
let me be your soul cliche

guiding
yielding
fulfilling

I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus tell me about it

Love needs a sky-
nude and endless great line

Love transcends
beyond transparency

Love permeates
beyond permanence

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant

Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e

as I suckle on life force

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and repetition
lovelorn earth mingle

your womb of rain

Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
.

i like the sparseness of it but i think for it to be so sparse, it needs more powerful words than;

Be my body
let me be your soul

guiding
yielding
fulfilling

I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me which feels a little like an extended cliche.
unlike;

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus with phallus adding that extra push (forgive the pun)

the 2nd part i showed is a strong complete statement, the first one i showed needs to be of similar strength.
in a less sparse piece of writing we can use a few weaker words without them being noticed. but in a minimal piece like this all the words need to count. that said i don't think it needs much of edit to beef it up with some solid feeling and emotion

let me

guide
yield
fulfil you, or not as you see fit

thanks for the read and the first poem of many.

Billy,

Such a pleasure to see you in this corner. Thank you for the in-depth analysis of this poem in advance.

I am happy that reference worked out well for you. Indeed that was the intention [Though it has been done many times] In ancient Sanskrit verses, 'earth/universe/world/constellation/sky' have been used to great effect in poems of amorous/esoteric themes. Usually they are used for the collective depiction and at times for the other half. [Not everyone's idea of course and hence could be more potent]

The idea behind 'manifold' was to use it as a verb having the same affect as multiply. Multiply however seems to function as minute levels [cellular level is the first that comes to mind/ and hence manifold. Hope I am not being dense.

It is not a poem that is uniform as you have pointed out. The 'ing' form does not always work and it has probably been done to death. Your suggestion seems better along with the rest of the poem. [Thank you]

I will take your suggestions and hope they reflect in my rewrite. [Nusring a bad case of allergic fever, so it might take a few days time to get back in form.]

Thank you once again, Billy.

Sumeet

[Todd]

Hi whitewand6,

So, by the time I got around to the poem...there's a revision up (figures ). Welcome to the site. Here are some comments for you:

I've read this through a few times, and while this is obviously just my opinion, I think you've lost something with the revision. There is an almost plaintive tone that feels stripped away in version 2.

Let me point out what I liked, and didn't like, and give you a sense of something you might do (please don't take this as rewriting your poem, it's more a limitation of trying to convey in text what I mean). I'm not so concerned at the moment with content more with mood and flow. I'm not going line-by-line. Just a few highlights.

I love sparse minimalist work. That said, the words have to count even more. When I get to lists like this one:

blossom
burst
manifold

I feel that you haven't stumbled upon the one right word yet. I'm less a fan of the staccato one word after another than the one perfect word. I'd look to condense into the single phrase or image.
Be my body
let me be your soul

This phrasing is too bland. It would be better to have a more powerful image demonstrating communion here.
guiding
yielding
fulfilling

While you made an improvement in the revision by killing the "ings", this still has the same problems as the other one word lines.

I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me

Beyond and forever doesn't really add much. While, I mostly like your earthworm opening (less so S2), this nourish/nurture line is a nice addition to that image.

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus--nice addition

Love needs a sky-
nude and endless--I missed this when you cut it from version 2. I think you can cut "love needs" and just make this first line here "a sky"

Love transcends
beyond transparency--again this is nice. I like the sonics. You can kill beyond though without it its a good insight with it it seems otherworldly and a bit pretentious.

Love permeates
beyond permanence--I hate beyond here too, though the idea is a bit nonsensical--so it's iffy for me.

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony--you don't need Our here "us" does the job for you. This would be stronger as an image of some sort as opposed to an abstract idea

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant

Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e

as I suckle on life force

I sort of like the hypersilence idea though the ideas could be tighter here.

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and
lovelorn earth mingle

your womb of rain

When I consider these phrases, I'm not a fan of the nude sky repetition and I would consider simplying all of this by cutting and replacing all three strophes with:

Gently place me
in your womb of rain

Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
.

The rest of this is less engaging. If it were mine I would look to end the poem on something evocative even if I mixed the strophes up and pulled your most interesting phrase down (in which case I would reinclude the love needs):

Love needs a sky
nude and endless

I will consider the revision some more, but I needed to address version one first. I'll be giving the other version some thought. Again, I think you've lost some spark in the new one. I'll try to get back to you.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

version 2:


my ageless earth
let me be your
epheremal
earthworm
and burrow
till nibbana

my fecund valley
let me be your
ocher shrub
and seep in
your essnce

let me

blossom
burst
manifold

as you

guide
yield
fulfil

let me be
born in you
beyond
forever

yes

love

needs
a body
a voice
a phallus
a sky
us

it

transcends
beyond
transparency

permeates
beyond
permanence

binds us
in blessed
synchrony
0of soma
psyche
self

pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e
as I suckle on life force

so lets curl in
our womb
and float
till
nonbeing



-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Be my earth
let me be your earthworm

Be my valley
let me be your ocher shrub[size=xx-small]

let me

blossom
burst
manifold

Be my body
let me be your soul

guiding
yielding
fulfilling

I long to be born in you
beyond and forever
and nourish you
as you nurture me

Yes

Love needs

a body
a voice
a phallus

Love needs a sky-
nude and endless

Love transcends
beyond transparency

Love permeates
beyond permanence

Our love binds us
in blessed synchrony

Momentary and ageless-
concomitant

Pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e

as I suckle on life force

Gently place me
in your womb

where nude sky and
lovelorn earth mingle

your womb of rain

Wait for me to wake up

then we reign
we gain

All space
all time is
us
.

version 2:


my ageless earth
let me be your
epheremal ephemeral

earthworm
and burrow
till nibbana nibbana is not normally considered to be a time dependent state which is approached in serial time. More it is an impossible to define state of bliss which is "achieved", and can be achieved, repeatedly. Incautious use of esoteric terms will always give rise to calls of foul but cultural discretion permits for sagacity amongst the enlightened devotees.......not sure that this reader is up to the understanding required......and I may be in a majority.

my fecund valley you are hoping that fertile and fecund are fungible.....I think notlet me be your
ocher shrub
and seep in not clear. Do you mean seep in as in osmosis or seep in as in immerse. I really doesn't matter unless you are a pedant but what do you want it to mean?
your essnce typo
let me

blossom
burst
manifold

as you

guide
yield
fulfil

let me be
born in you
beyond
forever

yes

love

needs
a body
a voice
a phallus
a sky
us

it

transcends
beyond
transparency

permeates
beyond
permanence

binds us
in blessed
synchrony
of soma
psyche
self

pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e
as I suckle on life force

so lets curl in
our womb
and float
till
nonbeing



-----------------------------------------------------------------------
[size=medium]
.

V2 is less attractive, bad word, than v1 precisely because you have tried for a modification instead of a restructuring. I now find no merit whatever in the form. Are you trying to write verse on a strip of linguine? You have something quite wonderfully fulfilling to write about, something expansive, full and ripe for the telling......why limit your phrasing to thin, mean lines. I doubt that your thoughts are as restricted. Let them burgeon and spread. Suggestion:

Love needs a sky! Naked and endless;
This love transcends the void above and flies
beyond transparency. Ethereal and all pervasive,
even through permanence of time.

This love binds us in blessed synchrony;
a momentary and concomitant state of bliss!

Etc. Etc. So as you have shown yourself to be a reasonable man I hope you will not think me dictatorial......as I said, suggestion only. Put some body into it
Best,
Tectak
This piece us worth the effort.

[whitewand6]

Todd,

Many thanks for stopping by and saying the right things.

Version 2 is not what I will call a revision. I simply stripped and skimmed
and tweaked a bit. It did not work that well for me too. Nevertheless I
posted it. I want to better this poem and hence will take my chances.
Constructive feedback and suggestions will lead me there. And it will
happen.

Glad to see someone who has a thing for sonics. I understand when you say 'the perfect word'. May be I was trying too hard. I agree with almost everything you have said.

Hope to get back on this soon.

Thank you for your time again. Appreciate it.

Sumeet

[billy]

version 2:


my ageless earth
let me be your
epheremal
earthworm
and burrow
till nibbana

my fecund valley
let me be your
ocher shrub
and seep in
your essnce

let me

blossom
burst
manifold

as you

guide
yield
fulfil

let me be
born in you
beyond
forever

yes

love

needs
a body
a voice
a phallus
a sky
us

it

transcends
beyond
transparency

permeates
beyond
permanence

binds us
in blessed
synchrony
of soma
psyche
self

pluck me from
h y p e r s i l e n c e
as I suckle on life force i like this stanza a lot it stands out as more solid now that you brought the lines together.

so lets curl in
our womb
and float
till
nonbeing

while this edit makes the piece feel more meditative or spiritual, i think it loses the essence of the original. though i did find the 2nd stanza pretty raunchy i have to say i prefer the original at present though i'm glad the ing words have gone. the last stanza of the edit feels like a 60's chat up line

it's great to see people here who can take feedback properly
sorry i couldn't be more positive with the edit

[whitewand6]

while this edit makes the piece feel more meditative or spiritual, i think it loses the essence of the original. though i did find the 2nd stanza pretty raunchy i have to say i prefer the original at present though i'm glad the ing words have gone. the last stanza of the edit feels like a 60's chat up line

it's great to see people here who can take feedback properly
sorry i couldn't be more positive with the edit

Billy,

Glad to have you back. This is not a revision in truth [as you can see]
I simply tweaked/altered/got rid of. Well meditative summed it beautifully, and yet I agree that the overall feel of the original is amiss here upto
some extent.

I will add 'ING' words to my don'ts. [Hey! Still learning.]

60's chat up line made me laugh. That was a meaningful punch. [Ah! Those times.]

I will give it some thought and go get some fresh air before attempting a rewrite [almost bed ridden/sapped for last two days] and even more if
required. Till it is in its best form.

Thank you for your time Billy.

MJ salute,

Sumeet