Old Mr. Hackett

[heslopian]

Old Mr. Hackett wasn't very old,
but he walked with a limp, and every breath he took
sounded pathetic. He inspired pity or loathing
as he walked down the street with a grocery bag,
and stopped outside charity shops to browse their book stalls.
No-one knew where he came from. He wasn't married,
didn't have a partner, had never served in the army,
and lived on some mysterious income.
He rarely smiled or enjoyed company;
as his mother taught him, Lonely Men Are Evil Men.

He looked like a man who was loved once,
very long ago, and through some mischevious circumstance
now thought of love as worthless, a defunct coin.
Like so many loveless men he was sad, angry,
and unreachably lost, treading the dark corridor.
This is the secret of manhood he thought,
as dust alighted on shoulders and the old grim thoughts
congealed in his stomach like milk.
We are trapped by our masculinity,
screaming at the dusk in solitude.
The world hates all but the dumbest of us,
the soldier men, the wife keepers.

[Aish]

Your character shots are always really interesting, Jack. You have a talent for idiosyncrasies and observations that are uncomfortably organic.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind feedback, Aish

[Universalchild]

I really enjoyed reading this, I found it very touching and the imagery is brilliant. I can't think of a good criticism! Although, I think "mischievious" is perhaps a bit too weak of a word considering the implication.

[heslopian]

Once upon a time "mischief" carried much graver connotations than it does now A lot of words we now consider twee were once almost foul. When Queen Victoria was almost assassinated, her husband called her would-be killer "a thorough scamp" I think that's why I put "mischevious"; it amused me, given its past and recent connotations. I take your point. A more serious word might suit that line better. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks for the kind words and feedback Universalchild

[billy]

Old Mr. Hackett wasn't very old,
but he walked with a limp, and every breath he took
sounded pathetic. He inspired pity or loathing
as he walked down the street with a grocery bag,
and stopped outside charity shops to browse their book stalls.
No-one knew where he came from. He wasn't married,
didn't have a partner, had never served in the army,
and lived on some mysterious income.
He rarely smiled or enjoyed company,
and as his mother taught him, Lonely Men Are Evil Men. there needs to be a punch line or remove the 'and'

He looked like a man who was loved once,
very long ago, and through some mischevious circumstance
now thought of love as worthless, a defunct coin.
Like so many loveless men he was sad, angry,
and unreachably lost, treading the dark corridor.
"This is the secret of manhood" he thought,
as dust alighted on shoulders and the old grim thoughts
congealed in his stomach like milk.
"We are trapped by our masculinity,
screaming at the dusk in solitude.
The world hates all but the dumbest of us,
the soldier men, the wife keepers."

a couple of spelling mistakes i think. and maybe a tad prose. that said i really liked the read. i do think it needs another stanza at least the finish feels too abrupt. a little wordy perhaps, (a so here a but there. would italics be better than quotes?
i do enjoy the profiling you do jack. i enjoyed this.

thanks for the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback Bilbo I'll remove the "and" change the previous comma to a semi-colon.
I thought this ended too abruptly too. I'm not sure what I'd put in another stanza though. I really like your idea about italics. A lot of novelists I've read do that.

[billy]

just continue on whith hackets thoughts.

[heslopian]

That's an idea Though I think if I'm going to make the poem longer it should end outside his thoughts.

[billy]

did you...make it longer?

[heslopian]

Not yet. I forgot about this poem, as I often do. I'm appallingly lazy

[billy]

so i've been told