Life Obscene

[Universalchild]

I revamped it recently, but I don't feel like I tightened it up enough. I especially don't like S3 :|

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A life lacking meaning, a societal thrall,
the melancholy prince of nothing at all,
gazes into endless colours, blurring, losing,
technology static but of his own chosing.

His riches are endless and flow like a flood,
beach palace is painted with innocent blood,
they say he has earnt it, like he earned his fate,
that those at the top deserve all they create.

So small people in factories slave far away,
to engorge his capital the people must pay,
but we justify this for our secret delight,
we'll slip into his shoes as is our... right.

He tastes chemical flavour, gluttonous fool's feast,
devours all and thus becomes obesity's beast,
their children are violated with their greed,
illusions of pleasure, they planted that seed.

His elegant beauty turns to some skeletal lust,
perfection or pain, her dreams fall to dust,
her starvation is radiant, as is her dread,
eyes so bright and fair, so hopelessly dead.

In false smiles they sip sweet poisons in vain,
shedding the agony of their descent to insane,
rotting to their core, they then deign to choke,
they do this themselves, on acrid clouds of smoke.

They are repulsive, their words convulse with hate,
they are depraved, alone, they no longer relate,
they have only regret, their world has lost shape,
they have created a hell with no end or escape.

[billy]

will leave some feedback after breakfast and the work run

[addy]

Nice to see you posting more stuff . Again, i'll keep the comments light.

This piece suffers from an inconsistent meter, so that's something you can work on (we have some pretty good resources on this site about poetic forms ). It has a pretty powerful core message, but it's expressed mainly in vague broadstrokes in between metaphors that are only loosely related to one another. There's no strong interrelatedness to the imagery, so for me the poem didn't particularly gel into a distinct and unified narrative. What i mean is each individual image you portray is distinct, but taken as a whole they mesh into something generic. Just my take

Hope some of this helps

A life lacking meaning, a societal thrall, This doesn't really grab my attention as well as a first line should... for me your second line makes for a better opening
the melancholy prince of nothing at all,
gazes into endless colours, blurring, losing, don't think "losing" is the right word
technology static but of his own choosing.

His riches are endless and flow like a flood,
beach palace is painted with innocent blood, I like the thread of flood, then beach, then blood, suggesting a tide of blood. In this instance the images complement one another and tie back nicely
they say he has earnt it, like he earned his fate,
that those at the top deserve all they create.

So small people in factories slave far away,
to engorge his capital the people must pay, i understand what you mean in this part... phrases like "small people" sound a little trite and weak. "Slave far away" is also strange for me because you reference a physical distance between the "prince" and the "people" but immediately drop that line of thought to talk about something else entirely
but we justify this for our secret delight,
we'll slip into his shoes as is our... don't think you need ellipsis right. I notice you say "we" in this stanza, but in S2 you said "they". Keep it consistent (I vote using "we" in the second stanza)

He tastes chemical flavour, gluttonous fool's feast,
devours all and thus becomes obesity's beast,
their children are violated with their greed,
illusions of pleasure, they planted that seed.

His elegant beauty turns to some why "some"?skeletal lust,
perfection or pain, her dreams fall to dust,
her starvation is radiant, as is her dread,
eyes so bright and fair, so hopelessly dead.

In false smiles they sip sweet poisons in vain,
shedding the agony of their descent to insane,
rotting to their core, they then deign to choke,
they do this themselves, on acrid clouds of smoke. So a new character is introduced, a kind of anorexic romantic partner to the gluttonous prince. It's interesting, but the way it's written takes the poem in a different direction from what was first established. You're talking about two different kinds of social schizophrenia now: the disjoint between the rich and the poor on one hand, and on the other hand how those with privilege are greedy yet still starving. Different subjects, in my opinion. You might be trying to take this one poem to too many places.

They are repulsive, their words convulse with hate,
they are depraved, alone, they no longer relate,
they have only regret, their world has lost shape,
they have created a hell with no end or escape. Whose "they" here? The prince and his skeletal wife, or the "they" of society? At some point I lost my reference point

[Universalchild]

@addy

Thanks! Really appreciate it.

I can totally feel the inconsistant meter : s I really find it hard to write in a proper meter though. I'm just going to have to work harder. I can hear it, but I struggle with writing it.
Yeeees, I totally get your comment about loosely strung imagery! I know I need to fix it. Do you have any tip as to how? Would perhaps changing the structure and adding some connective lines fix it, or does it need a rewrite completely?

I love your suggestion for switching the first two lines. I will definitely put that in an edit.
Mm, you're right about losing. I'll think of a better word.

I'm glad you noticed the imagery tying in! I do try, but sometimes I focus too much on meaning and lose the imagery.

Yeah not happy with stanza 3. I think it needs total revision.

You know what, I never questioned why I put "some" : / Good point.

I did want to convey the idea of a metaphorial family representing the culture of the rich and famous. He represents corporate business owners, and she is meant to represent the celebrity culture. The children mentioned in S2 are just meant to imply that this is passed on through generations (like people get infected with the desire to become rich/famous) - would it perhaps be better to alternate between the two? Rather then have them in two seperate chunks?

The last stanza bores me and I want to rewrite it. The "they" are still the "couple".

[billy]

I revamped it recently, but I don't feel like I tightened it up enough. I especially don't like S3 :|

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A life lacking meaning, a societal thrall,
the melancholy prince of nothing at all, better line for an opener as it's the one that would draw the reader in for more
gazes into endless colours, blurring, losing, feels weak
technology static but of his own chosing.

His riches are endless and flow like a flood,
beach palace is painted with innocent blood,
they say he has earnt it, like he earned his fate, i think earnt is the past tense so both should be the same (though it's odds on others will have their own opinions)
that those at the top deserve all they create.

So small people in factories slave far away, so isn't needed and screws with the meter
to engorge his capital the people must pay,
but we justify this for our secret delight,
we'll slip into his shoes as is our... right.

He tastes chemical flavour, gluttonous fool's feast,
devours all and thus becomes obesity's beast,
their children are violated with their greed,
illusions of pleasure, they planted that seed.

His elegant beauty turns to some skeletal lust,
perfection or pain, her dreams fall to dust,
her starvation is radiant, as is her dread,
eyes so bright and fair, so hopelessly dead.

In false smiles they sip sweet poisons in vain,
shedding the agony of their descent to insane,
rotting to their core, they then deign to choke,
they do this themselves, on acrid clouds of smoke.

They are repulsive, their words convulse with hate,
they are depraved, alone, they no longer relate,
they have only regret, their world has lost shape,
they have created a hell with no end or escape.

if the meter is tightened up a bit the flow of the poem would enhance the read. most of the lines begin with a nondescript word which weakens the core of the poem. a few clichés that could be sorted out pretty easily
the content is fairly solid though it needs more originality for you to own it. the title fits the poem as is; with an edit it will really come into its own.
thanks for the read.