Tsunami-a spoken poem

[tectak]

I am the Sea. Dark, chill and blind I lie
Upon the precious pressured earth below.
I am the Sea, ten trillion tears am I
Wept long and lonely centuries ago.
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. This world , through all that time,
Need be suppressed to keep me quelled and calm.
I am the Sea. In then primordial slime,
I caused not pain nor hurt, nor noticed harm.
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. If move I must, I sigh,
As shell and shingle shift beneath my hand.
I am the Sea that laps now on the dry
Rock of your world , your floating fragile land.
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. My restlessness can kill.
When fractured founds give way beneath my feet,
I am the Sea, and cannot be made still
By hope, or prayer 'neath God in heaven’s seat.
I am the Sea. I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. Trust not my constancy.
Beware, wake not twin serpents in my breast.
I am the Sea. Fight hard complacency
When Wrath and Froth are writhing in my chest.
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the SEA. Do not my rest deny.
I am THE SEA. No will of mine defy.
I AM THE SEA. Flee far from me!
TSUNAMI! I am the SEA.
TSUNAMI!

Originally written on a commission to be read out loud. To indicate the essential rise and fall of the spoken word the font was adjusted letter by letter (not possible on this board) creating a wave-like look for the piece. In the last stanza
the font increased from 14point to 120 point indicating that the last word had to be shouted. Its effectiveness is for others to judge.

[Erthona]

I am the Sea. Dark, chill and blind I lie (maybe unseeing instead of blind, I'm not real impressed with the three descriptors anyway, they just don't seem very powerful)
Upon the precious pressured earth below. (Nice alliteration but to cutesy for the subject)
I am the Sea, ten trillion tears am I (maybe something like a thousand times more tears than ever cried by humankind)
Wept long and lonely centuries ago. (Not sure why the sea would weep)
I am the Sea, I am the Sea. (that's going to get old quick)

I am the Sea. This world , through all that time, (This description seems unnecessarily awkward, maybe some kind of simile or metaphor, also highlight the pressure going both ways. The water puts immense pressure on the crust. Maybe personify that struggle. The sea smothers the earth and the earth rebels, thrusting up against it's jailor... well you know what I mean )
Need be suppressed to keep me quelled and calm.
I am the Sea. In then primordial slime,
I caused not pain nor hurt, nor noticed harm.
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. If move I must, I sigh, ( this is a good line, maybe extend this idea of sighing. Also need to see the energy transfer and move from the earth to the sea, to the land)
As shell and shingle shift beneath my hand.
I am the Sea that laps now on the dry
Rock of your world , your floating fragile land. (this seems a biit like being a blowhard, "Oh, I vill smosh you puny liddle lands!" The Waveanator!)
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. My restlessness can kill. (How is this the seas restlessness? Definitely need to develop the relationship between the sea and the earth better!)
When fractured founds give way beneath my feet, (feet? and "fractured founds")
I am the Sea, and cannot be made still (Need to preface this with, I am the sea, the ever moving. I cannot be made still. Hpoes and prayers are useless for even God's hand cannot stay me))
By hope, or prayer 'neath God in heaven’s seat.
I am the Sea. I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. Trust not my constancy.
Beware, wake not twin serpents in my breast.
I am the Sea. Fight hard complacency
When Wrath and Froth are writhing in my chest. ("Wrath and Froth " not balanced)
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the SEA. Do not my rest deny. (The idea of build up is good, but you need something better)
I am THE SEA. No will of mine defy.
I AM THE SEA. Flee far from me!
TSUNAMI! I am the SEA.
TSUNAMI!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this is a really nice idea, but the focus here is too fragmented. You need to decide if you are going to write about how powerful the sea is, or if you are going to write about a tsunami. In a tsunami, the sea is more a passive participant, or the messenger transferring the energy of the earthquake in the form of a wave to batter the land. The sea only acts as the conduit, like a power line conducting electricity. The line itself is fairly inert. The sea takes various forces that act upon the sea, and carries these forces until it finds something solid to act upon. This is not to say the sea cannot be seen as powerful, but I don't think you can make that case with a tsunami, because there is a relationship between the quake and the sea, and the sea is not the one generating the power. To over look that and place the sea in a power position within this context is to lie about the true relationship, and as such will ring false. Also to keep creating new descriptors every line, without any kind of underlying connection, tends to fragment the overall picture, as well as the energy within the poem. I do not think that is a positive thing when you are trying to create something robust. I know you can give this the treatment it deserves, but it will require your full effort and attention, and I do not think this poem in its current state had that from you.

Dale

[tectak]

I am the Sea. Dark, chill and blind I lie (maybe unseeing instead of blind, I'm not real impressed with the three descriptors anyway, they just don't seem very powerful)
Upon the precious pressured earth below. (Nice alliteration but to cutesy for the subject)
I am the Sea, ten trillion tears am I (maybe something like a thousand times more tears than ever cried by humankind)
Wept long and lonely centuries ago. (Not sure why the sea would weep)
I am the Sea, I am the Sea. (that's going to get old quick)

I am the Sea. This world , through all that time, (This description seems unnecessarily awkward, maybe some kind of simile or metaphor, also highlight the pressure going both ways. The water puts immense pressure on the crust. Maybe personify that struggle. The sea smothers the earth and the earth rebels, thrusting up against it's jailor... well you know what I mean )
Need be suppressed to keep me quelled and calm.
I am the Sea. In then primordial slime,
I caused not pain nor hurt, nor noticed harm.
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. If move I must, I sigh, ( this is a good line, maybe extend this idea of sighing. Also need to see the energy transfer and move from the earth to the sea, to the land)
As shell and shingle shift beneath my hand.
I am the Sea that laps now on the dry
Rock of your world , your floating fragile land. (this seems a biit like being a blowhard, "Oh, I vill smosh you puny liddle lands!" The Waveanator!)
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. My restlessness can kill. (How is this the seas restlessness? Definitely need to develop the relationship between the sea and the earth better!)
When fractured founds give way beneath my feet, (feet? and "fractured founds")
I am the Sea, and cannot be made still (Need to preface this with, I am the sea, the ever moving. I cannot be made still. Hpoes and prayers are useless for even God's hand cannot stay me))
By hope, or prayer 'neath God in heaven’s seat.
I am the Sea. I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. Trust not my constancy.
Beware, wake not twin serpents in my breast.
I am the Sea. Fight hard complacency
When Wrath and Froth are writhing in my chest. ("Wrath and Froth " not balanced)
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the SEA. Do not my rest deny. (The idea of build up is good, but you need something better)
I am THE SEA. No will of mine defy.
I AM THE SEA. Flee far from me!
TSUNAMI! I am the SEA.
TSUNAMI!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this is a really nice idea, but the focus here is too fragmented. You need to decide if you are going to write about how powerful the sea is, or if you are going to write about a tsunami. In a tsunami, the sea is more a passive participant, or the messenger transferring the energy of the earthquake in the form of a wave to batter the land. The sea only acts as the conduit, like a power line conducting electricity. The line itself is fairly inert. The sea takes various forces that act upon the sea, and carries these forces until it finds something solid to act upon. This is not to say the sea cannot be seen as powerful, but I don't think you can make that case with a tsunami, because there is a relationship between the quake and the sea, and the sea is not the one generating the power. To over look that and place the sea in a power position within this context is to lie about the true relationship, and as such will ring false. Also to keep creating new descriptors every line, without any kind of underlying connection, tends to fragment the overall picture, as well as the energy within the poem. I do not think that is a positive thing when you are trying to create something robust. I know you can give this the treatment it deserves, but it will require your full effort and attention, and I do not think this poem in its current state had that from you.

Dale

Billy, billy...that horrid erthona has been nasty to me and says my poem is no good
and it is awful and not awesome and I want you to ban him right now or I will squeem and squeem and squeem......I only put it in fun for fun and he has done a proper job on it the bastard and AND AND....well, everything really and I like it so there and I may not take any noticeof him so there. Or I might.
Tectak
Not sure about Wrath and Froth myself. Sound like a right pair of wooftahs......and some of my best friends are wooftahs.

[Erthona]

Bad publicity is better than no publicity, and until I (mistakenly) reviewed it none was all it had.

"that horrid erthona has been nasty to me and says my poem is no good"

I never said it was no good, I said you did a poor job. It's not the poem fault you wee a slacker!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"well, everything really and I like it so there and I may not take any noticeof him so there. Or I might."

You should. Even though this shouldn't have gotten a real critique, it deserved one. This poem is like a girl you got pregnant, you have a certain responsibility to see the thing through. This truly has the essence of a great poem, that doesn't happen often.

I know you have never read this aloud in public, if you had, you would have been cursing yourself, and wishing you had never thought of the line "I am the Sea." I speak from personal experience. I wrote a poem that had a phrase of about the same length as yours, and repeated about as often. Before I was half way through I was looking for a hole to hide in.

"I want you to ban him right"

If he didn't ban Ray... (Ray ban?) :p

Dale

[billy]

I am the Sea. Dark, chill and blind I lie (maybe unseeing instead of blind, I'm not real impressed with the three descriptors anyway, they just don't seem very powerful)
Upon the precious pressured earth below. (Nice alliteration but to cutesy for the subject)
I am the Sea, ten trillion tears am I (maybe something like a thousand times more tears than ever cried by humankind)
Wept long and lonely centuries ago. (Not sure why the sea would weep)
I am the Sea, I am the Sea. (that's going to get old quick)

I am the Sea. This world , through all that time, (This description seems unnecessarily awkward, maybe some kind of simile or metaphor, also highlight the pressure going both ways. The water puts immense pressure on the crust. Maybe personify that struggle. The sea smothers the earth and the earth rebels, thrusting up against it's jailor... well you know what I mean )
Need be suppressed to keep me quelled and calm.
I am the Sea. In then primordial slime,
I caused not pain nor hurt, nor noticed harm.
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. If move I must, I sigh, ( this is a good line, maybe extend this idea of sighing. Also need to see the energy transfer and move from the earth to the sea, to the land)
As shell and shingle shift beneath my hand.
I am the Sea that laps now on the dry
Rock of your world , your floating fragile land. (this seems a biit like being a blowhard, "Oh, I vill smosh you puny liddle lands!" The Waveanator!)
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. My restlessness can kill. (How is this the seas restlessness? Definitely need to develop the relationship between the sea and the earth better!)
When fractured founds give way beneath my feet, (feet? and "fractured founds")
I am the Sea, and cannot be made still (Need to preface this with, I am the sea, the ever moving. I cannot be made still. Hpoes and prayers are useless for even God's hand cannot stay me))
By hope, or prayer 'neath God in heaven’s seat.
I am the Sea. I am the Sea.

I am the Sea. Trust not my constancy.
Beware, wake not twin serpents in my breast.
I am the Sea. Fight hard complacency
When Wrath and Froth are writhing in my chest. ("Wrath and Froth " not balanced)
I am the Sea, I am the Sea.

I am the SEA. Do not my rest deny. (The idea of build up is good, but you need something better)
I am THE SEA. No will of mine defy.
I AM THE SEA. Flee far from me!
TSUNAMI! I am the SEA.
TSUNAMI!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this is a really nice idea, but the focus here is too fragmented. You need to decide if you are going to write about how powerful the sea is, or if you are going to write about a tsunami. In a tsunami, the sea is more a passive participant, or the messenger transferring the energy of the earthquake in the form of a wave to batter the land. The sea only acts as the conduit, like a power line conducting electricity. The line itself is fairly inert. The sea takes various forces that act upon the sea, and carries these forces until it finds something solid to act upon. This is not to say the sea cannot be seen as powerful, but I don't think you can make that case with a tsunami, because there is a relationship between the quake and the sea, and the sea is not the one generating the power. To over look that and place the sea in a power position within this context is to lie about the true relationship, and as such will ring false. Also to keep creating new descriptors every line, without any kind of underlying connection, tends to fragment the overall picture, as well as the energy within the poem. I do not think that is a positive thing when you are trying to create something robust. I know you can give this the treatment it deserves, but it will require your full effort and attention, and I do not think this poem in its current state had that from you.

Dale

Billy, billy...that horrid erthona has been nasty to me and says my poem is no good
and it is awful and not awesome and I want you to ban him right now or I will squeem and squeem and squeem......I only put it in fun for fun and he has done a proper job on it the bastard and AND AND....well, everything really and I like it so there and I may not take any noticeof him so there. Or I might.
Tectak
Not sure about Wrath and Froth myself. Sound like a right pair of wooftahs......and some of my best friends are wooftahs.

tis true, the bastard likes to fuck with our minds. sadly the offence is not bannable that said, you are the sea....get over it

[tectak]

Bad publicity is better than no publicity, and until I (mistakenly) reviewed it none was all it had.

"that horrid erthona has been nasty to me and says my poem is no good"

I never said it was no good, I said you did a poor job. It's not the poem fault you wee a slacker!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"well, everything really and I like it so there and I may not take any noticeof him so there. Or I might."

You should. Even though this shouldn't have gotten a real critique, it deserved one. This poem is like a girl you got pregnant, you have a certain responsibility to see the thing through. This truly has the essence of a great poem, that doesn't happen often.

I know you have never read this aloud in public, if you had, you would have been cursing yourself, and wishing you had never thought of the line "I am the Sea." I speak from personal experience. I wrote a poem that had a phrase of about the same length as yours, and repeated about as often. Before I was half way through I was looking for a hole to hide in.

"I want you to ban him right"

If he didn't ban Ray... (Ray ban?) :p

Dale

Oh alright. Apology accepted. You were right on one thing. Of course I didn't read it! Some other poor sap stood up at a carved eagle rostrum in the chambers of a Bursar of a Durham University house and read it out loud at a poetry event in aid of the Japan Tsunami appeal. I had to leave early as I wanted to watch my electricity meter roll over from 999999 to 1000000.
I will give it a tinkering.
Best,
Tectak

[Erthona]

There's a stout fellow!

[billy]

I had to leave early as I wanted to watch my electricity meter roll over from 999999 to 1000000.

their has to be a poem in there somewhere