Color Fades

[Erthona]

I can love them, brown, blond, or red,
it matters not what color hair is on their head,
though I’d prefer not gray to shoulder's fall,
(but then gray is better than none at all).
Gray is like a well-worn shoe,
stimulating not as it once did do,
when pigment there still heavily laid,
‘fore such color as it was did fade.
Thus the tower too did slump,
ardor drawn down into the dumps.
Better the color of a lake,
never mind that it is fake,
for as vigor starts to fade away,
it’ll not be revived by such as gray!



©2012 –Erthona

[Indie]

sexism aside this poem is hard to read. The flow is off in places and the poets speak does nothing for it IMO. Rhyme also seems to have taken precedence over the quality of this piece, which though not my kind of read, would appeal to some people.

Indie

[Erthona]

I agree. I threw this up without much consideration and there are many lines I would change, such as

"it matters not what color hair they have on their head,"

to

"it matters not what color hair is on their head"

I will not seek the refuge others have sought by saying it doesn't matter as it is only a joke poem. All poems, regardless of purpose deserve to be treated with a certain seriousness as to their form, regardless how trivial the subject. If one writes a doggerel,one should write a doggerel as well as they can, not giving it short shift because of it purpose or form. So you are quite right to upbraid me in my carelessness and flippancy. I will as soon as time permits tighten it up.

Dale

[Philatone]

really quick, going to have to agree that rhyme takes precedence over the content in spots. it's a shame, because it is already a quirky enough read (i liked the idea enough, though I'm not sure if I agree with the speaker )

I think a meter would help a bit; would keep it fairly regular, which might help to constrain your lines
for instance:

Thus the tower too did slump,
ardor drawn down into the dumps.

deleting the "down" aids the flow for me

[Erthona]

Thanks Geoff.

Dale

[billy]

great attitude dale. am giving it another read in a min for the purpose of feedback. (foolishly i read some comments first including your own); i'm extremely impressed.

---

I can love them, brown, blond, or red, lines keep reminding me of songs, this one reminds me of lou bega's mambo No 5
it matters not what color hair they have on their head,
though I’d prefer not gray to shoulder's fall, feels forced, could bethough I’d prefer no gray on shoulder's fall without screwing the rhyme up (just an idea.
(but then gray is better than none at all). i agree
Gray is like a well-worn shoe,
stimulating not as it once did do,
when pigment there still heavily laid,
‘fore such color as it was did fade.
Thus the tower too did slump,
ardor drawn down into the dumps.
Better the color of a lake,
never mind that it is fake,
for as vigor starts to fade away,
it’ll not be revived by such as gray!

Now this may sound sexist, I admit that is true,
but before you complain, tell me, who is talking to who?

©2012 –Erthona

i don't see any probs with sexist poems :d most are, one way or another
i see a lot of yoda speak in this one and as others have mentioned the meter's shot to shit. i'm pretty sure it wouldn't take too much to sort out.

not sure the the rhetorical question at the end works that well.

thanks for the read

[Aish]

I stumbled with the rhythm in a few places, but it made me chuckle. Gray hair is trendy right now among twenty-somethings, which I realize directly contradicts the vanity of older g-generations. The little blue or purple halo-haired ladies always crack me up, clucking about whatever color my hair is that particular day. Mmmmmhhhmmmm.