The Flood

[Philatone]

V. 5

A glance through the window
frames an exodus of drones,

pearls of larvae in their teeth
as they desert the trenches

skirting the apartment
for higher ground,

a hollow handrail,
a lifeless palm.

Look at them, ablaze
in straws of sun,

waiting for a storm to pass
and water to lower like a bridge

while our blinds are open,
embracing thunder

as afternoon fumes
into grey and into black.





V. 4 on suggestions made by billy and addy

flood

A glance through the window
frames an exodus of drones,

pearls of larvae in their teeth
as they abandon their earth

beneath the apartment
for higher ground,

a hollow handrail,
a lifeless palm.

Look at them,
in reach of straws of sun,

waiting for a storm to pass
and water to lower like a bridge

while our blinds are open as daylight
fumes into grey and into black.









V. 3 adjustments based on suggestions by billy, addy, and penguin


Flood


A glance through the window frames
the exodus beneath the apartment;

pupae and queen hoisted
above soldiers and drones,

scattering in files
from sculpted caves

for higher ground,
a hollow handrail,

a lifeless palm.
A colony in reach

of strands of sun
waits for rain to pass

and water to lower
like a bridge. See them

through the pane
embracing the same storm

with blinds open as daylight
fumes into grey and into black.






V.2. complete rewrite

They pass the halls of root and stone
jaws opened weeks before.

Pupae, eggs, larvae, queen
a head above the soldiers, drones,

scattering in files
from sculpted caves
for higher ground,

a hollow handrail,
a lifeless palm.

A colony in reach
of strands of sun

waits for storms to pass
and water to lower
like a bridge. See them,

through the pane
dotted with drops of rainfall,

blinds open as daylight
fumes into grey and into black?


V1.
The walk upstairs to the apartment
is accompanied by the pulse of water
herded into the complex pool, already filled.
The landlord left the tap on somewhere
to leave residents with the echo of overflow
soaking a border of mulch with chlorine.

It has happened before. The water avoids the front steps,
choosing, instead, to seep into the pebbles
beneath the beige of shredded wood.
No tenant finds a need to phone an idle office,
or worry of damage to their stoop, or peek through blinds
to witness the drying of the flood. To be perfectly honest,

only the sight of ants grabbed my attention,
hand stumbling onto their escape along the rail.
White shells of the young on their backs, they file
away from tunnels once eaten into the earth
the way rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth,
myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed.

[Indie]

I see what you're trying to say with this. IMO it comes across like you're telling me a story rather than showing me a story with your words. I've got some other nits with this over some of the phrasing which is a bit weak in its execution. I'll come back to this when I've got more time.

Indie

[tectak]

The walk upstairs to the apartment
is accompanied by the pulse of watery
herded into the complex pool, already filled.
The landlord left the tap on somewhere
to leave residents with the echo of overflow
soaking a border of mulch with chlorine.

It has happened before. The water avoids the front steps,
choosing, instead, to seep into the pebbles
beneath the beige of shredded wood.
No tenant finds a need to phone an idle office,
or worry of damage to their stoop, or peek through blinds
to witness the drying of the flood. To be perfectly honest,

only the sight of ants grabbed my attention,
hand stumbling onto their escape along the rail.
White shells of the young on their backs, they file
away from tunnels once eaten into the earth
the way rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth,
myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed.

Ah phil, you can't fool me! You know and I know that this is not poetry. Apart from the bizarre word use in the first few lines concerning herding water and complex pools ( which is poetic enough to create the required image....but why bother if you are not going to keep it up) there is nothing to wax about.

Overall, it is nothing out of nothing....just a suburban event in a suburban world. You have tired of this one almost as soon as you started and by the time you had drifted towards the possibility of a tasty formic feast of metaphor you had breakfasted and lost your appetite. If anything, you should carry out a rescue of the piece from the ant's perspective.......the human observers just don't seem to give a toss
On a general point, one of the neglected truths of poetic endeavour is this. If the poet doesn't care what he writes, don't expect the reader to care either. This is not the phil I am used to, and I expect you will take my comments with disdain or disbelief.....but in mitigation for this opinion of mine I would only add that I am wholly aware of your efforts to experiment with all forms of poetry.....could this be an experiment which needs a rethink?
Best,
Tectak

[Erthona]

Geoff,

The idea at the end of creating a myth out of the ants need to flee the flood, if it were tied back in to explain our own flood myth could be a good one (although that is only hinted at). If it is to cast the humans as neglectful gods, I don't see the basis for that. Not does your statements at the end seem to be supported well.

"the way rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth,
myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed."

"rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth"

If I clean this up it reads:

Rain eats into the dirt of ant trails the same as it eats into stories of creation and rebirth

I see no evidence for the second part, that it eats into stories... So it come as no surprise that your conclusion "myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed" would make no sense either, and this would be on top of it to overcome poor structure/grammar, which makes the last line almost nonsensical. Only by inferring the title into this can I even see a vague hint of how you seemed to mean this to appear. What? Are you trying to compete with me for worst poem of the week?

Dale

[tectak]

Geoff,

The idea at the end of creating a myth out of the ants need to flee the flood, if it were tied back in to explain our own flood myth could be a good one (although that is only hinted at). If it is to cast the humans as neglectful gods, I don't see the basis for that. Not does your statements at the end seem to be supported well.

"the way rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth,
myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed."

"rain eats into stories of creation and rebirth"

If I clean this up it reads:

Rain eats into the dirt of ant trails the same as it eats into stories of creation and rebirth

I see no evidence for the second part, that it eats into stories... So it come as no surprise that your conclusion "myths of the saved and the plunge of the sacrificed" would make no sense either, and this would be on top of it to overcome poor structure/grammar, which makes the last line almost nonsensical. Only by inferring the title into this can I even see a vague hint of how you seemed to mean this to appear. What? Are you trying to compete with me for worst poem of the week?

Dale

Bugger off.......I can write a worse poem than you.......and one day I will prove it

[Erthona]

Can't! & Never!


When I really put my mind to it, I can write a poem so bad it will make your eyes bleed.

Now, back to the topic, this is the serious crit section!!!!!

Dale

[Philatone]

i think i've worked out a bit of what I need to do with this, though a rewrite will take some time. thanks for the thoughts; they are instrumental, as always

[Philatone]

though the original was in the running for a contest, I think this revision is a bit more workable. I leave it to be torn apart

[penguin]

Is the question mark at the end deliberate? Doesn't read like a question to me. I quite like this. I did do a detailed crit of the 1st version some days back and then it mysteriously disappeared and I was too despondent to start again. Anyhow, the bits I really liked were the hollow handrail and lifeless palm, that's terrific, plus the water lowering like a bridge.

I don't understand "jaws opened weeks before".

I thought you ought to go for couplets throughout

ascending in files
from sculpted caves

waits for water to lower
like a bridge. See them,

through the pane
dotted with drops of rainfall, - thought this verse the weakest

blinds open as daylight
fumes into grey and into black?

---

Is the question mark at the end deliberate? Doesn't read like a question to me. I quite like this. I did do a detailed crit of the 1st version some days back and then it mysteriously disappeared and I was too despondent to start again. Anyhow, the bits I really liked were the hollow handrail and lifeless palm, that's terrific, plus the water lowering like a bridge.

I don't understand "jaws opened weeks before".

I thought you ought to go for couplets throughout

ascending in files
from sculpted caves

waits for water to lower
like a bridge. See them,

through the pane
dotted with drops of rainfall, - thought this verse the weakest

blinds open as daylight
fumes into grey and into black?

[billy]

i'll just comment on the edit (which i think is an improvement)

V.2. complete rewrite

They pass the halls of root and stone
jaws opened weeks before. this lines needs something more as it's very weak

Pupae, eggs, larvae, queen
a head above the soldiers, drones, needs some clarity, are you saying drones are taller?

scattering in files
from sculpted caves
for higher ground, i like this, it gives them a sort of survival instinct

a hollow handrail,
a lifeless palm.

A colony in reach
of strands of sun would 'of a stranded sun' work better?

waits for storms to pass how many storms are there? i'm presuming 1 storm
and water to lower
like a bridge. See them, needs some clarity. at present it seems the water is lowering like a bridge. would a semicolon after bridge help?

through the pane
dotted with drops of rainfall, drops feels excessive

blinds open as daylight
fumes into grey and into black?

you're into the insect world aren't you
i like some of things going on in it. but like the yellowjacket one this needs the same treatment. the transition to the last 2 stanza from those above need to be better seen.
i liked the lifeless palm couplet and think you should try and extend the image with one or maybe two more couplets.
i don't think you need that much of an edit to make this one work just as well as the yellow jacket poem.

thanks for the read.

ps, just saw the question mark comment by someone else and have to agree, it isn't a question.

[addy]

Commenting on the edit

V.2. complete rewrite

They pass the halls of root and stone
jaws opened weeks before. I like the sentiment itself but the way it's phrased (in a past, passive, afterthought way) weakens it a little

Pupae, eggs, larvae, queen
a head above the soldiers, drones,

scattering in files
from sculpted caves
for higher ground,

a hollow handrail,
a lifeless palm. I like how you used the imagery as spots of peaceful interest against the motion

A colony in reach
of strands of sun

waits for storms to pass
and water to lower "lower like a bridge" works function-wise, but in effect "water to lower" becomes a bit of a nondescript line
like a bridge. See them,

through the pane
dotted with drops of rainfall,

blinds open as daylight
fumes into grey and into black? Wrongly placed question mark? The ending for me is just kind of diffused... like the aftermath was just there for the sake of, almost a non-event. Perhaps this is what you were going for

[Philatone]

penguin-- thanks for the kind and critical words; they were helpful! made several changes on the parts you suggested (seems like they hit on a common theme with others). thanks again for the time

billy-- it does seem that way! just going with whatever comes out that can be worked with, can't always decide on the material and topic. think i've found a stronger transition to close the poem out. I'm hesitatant to add another couplet or two because I don't want to lose the impact of the first images (at least right now). oh, and I did want the water to lower like a bridge I did try to address several of the points you raised in the line-by; appreciate the read

addy- tried strengthening the opening, though it may need more. I was trying to go for a more diffused ending in actuality. for now i think i will keep the water and bridge bit as is, unless something strikes me in the future. thank you for your time and critique!

[billy]

V. 3 adjustments based on suggestions by billy, addy, and penguin


Flood


A glance through the window frames
the exodus beneath the apartment; (would an exodus work better?) much better start so the edits already an improvement.

pupae and queen hoisted
above soldiers and drones, i think above would be better on the line....above, using something else to start the 2nd line, as it is it's a bit ambiguous as to who's above who

scattering in files a sort of (orderly scatter)
from sculpted caves sculpted feels to arty, as a suggestion how about artisanal or some such word to show they're builders/craftsmen/craftants.termites/etc

for higher ground, i'm not sure this part on of the edit works as well as it should.
a hollow handrail, feels weak as it stands

a lifeless palm.
A colony in reach

of strands of sun
waits for rain to pass

and water to lower
like a bridge. See them

through the pane
embracing the same storm

with blinds open as daylight
fumes into grey and into black.

from couple 4 onwards it feels a little tow weak and disjointed. i can see the edits unfolding as i did with the yellow jacket poem. my real suggestion would be to make it more accessible to us, you already have a clear picture of what's happening, what you have to do is let us in on the picture as well.

thanks for the edit.

[addy]

I quite like the edit, but i do agree that sometimes the lines get a little too self-contained. For example, the first and second line of the poem read as if they only share a tangential relationship, perhaps due to the type of phrasing chosen. Though I like the snapshots, threading them all together more might help give a larger and less myopic sense of context with the scene. Still, I very much love your deft turns of phrase

[Philatone]

ok, another attempt made to help keep every part of the poem connected. thanks for the time

[billy]

V. 4 on suggestions made by billy and addy

flood

A glance through the window
frames an exodus of drones, works well

pearls of larvae in their teeth
as they abandon their earth good strong image that works well

beneath the apartment feels weak, give it something more, as suggestion would be; A Queendom beneath the apartment though i'm sure you can come up with something better than queendom
for higher ground, worth keeping

a hollow handrail,
a lifeless palm.

Look at them,
in reach of straws of sun, the two of's jar my reading. can it be re worded?

waiting for a storm to pass
and water to lower like a bridge

while our blinds are open as daylight i think this was okay
fumes into grey and into black. this was the problem line, i'm guessing you want to intimate that light is replacing the greys and black of the showed placed?

i think you over did the edit by making it shorter, you have room for the two couplets you removed, if you don't like or want them, edit them. 9 was good, 7 is weaker. and gives you less chance to show the image.

as always i enjoy watching your edits grow the poem to be the best it can be.

thanks for the read and edit.

[addy]

On version 4: really like this edit. I love what you did with stanza 2 . For some reason it now reminds me a little of how the dinosaurs died out/ fought against a cataclysm. Of course in a much smaller scale. It has a nice overall vibe, I thought

[Philatone]

addy, billy
thanks for your continued attention. trying to work with the "apartment" bit; I think I have it better incorporated into the piece, though I am probably wrong. addy, I appreciated your bit on the dinosaurs!

[billy]

i really like where this has gone.
some good edits has altered the piece beyond recognition
format-wise yet you've kept the essence of the poem and it works well.
i think this is that time when you take a step back and tell yourself it's done.

thanks for the edits.

[addy]

Again, i love the gritty epic feel even against such balanced and understated imagery. A bit like being at the eye of a storm. You've done great with this imo, it's a pleasure to see your process