Figure

[KDT]

Stretched on the bed under midday light,
light in my hands—like air, bare,
barely grasping that you are not there.

[billy]

there's not a lot to give feedback on

not sure the use of light twice in such a short is wise as you want all words to count.
i like it but i think you need one more line as a transition from the figure to the 1st person.

thanks for your 1st poem.

[KDT]

Thanks for the quick and helpful feedback billy. I was trying to transition between visual light and weight light. Any ideas on how to better do this?

[billy]

not sure, maybe put the title to better use. (use it as something that represents both lights in some way)

[tectak]

Stretched on the bed under midday light,
light in my hands—like air, bare,
barely grasping that you are not there.

Short, but rich in punctuation.

Perhaps needing more words.

Best,
Tectak

---

Thanks for the quick and helpful feedback billy. I was trying to transition between visual light and weight light. Any ideas on how to better do this?

You have chosen a difficult task. There is no "model" for light.....there is only light. Though infra-red and ultra-violet are not visible to our eyes, they are visible to other species. Insects see UV, snakes can "see" IR.
What,though, are you defining as"weight" light?
Best,
Tectak;

Ooops. sorry billy. Just noticed this is your thread! Please feel free to rub me off!

[addy]

Personally I enjoyed it , and I liked the way you did your transitions. There's a deftness, but mostly short, sweet, and direct. Not a lot going on but imo there doesn't really need to be... of course, that gives us very little to actually workshop

[Philatone]

hello kdt!

Stretched on the bed under midday light,
light in my hands—like air, bare,
barely grasping that you are not there. ..."barely" feels weak to me; the "grasping" happens regardless

it's a shortie that leads me looking for just a line or two of more depth while also wondering if all of the words used so far are necessary. I see the wordplay happening, but some of it felt a tad forced to me. the word repetitions really stand out in such a short piece

[Erthona]

KDT,

"Stretched on the bed under midday light,
light in my hands—like air, bare,
barely grasping that you are not there. "

considering the shortness of the poem, it seems counterproductive repeating yourself.

Maybe something like

Stretched on the bed under the midday sun,
it's light in my hands: like air, weightless and bare-
ly grasping that you are not here (implied, "with me").

I'm not a big fan of enjambment (as to me it always seems contrived), but I think it might help to convey the sense of separation. I think it helps to bridge a frankly sort of odd simile in line two, with her absence in line 3. I know you used "there" to mean, there in your hands, but that really doesn't come across (and personally that's just a weird image, because I mean, what part of her is going to be in your two hands, either T or A) and the focus is with you, not in your hands, unless you are talking about a pigeon or something, but I get the sense you are referring to a different type of bird

dale

[Leanne]

I was going to suggest almost exactly the same as Dale did, with the enjambment, though to emphasise the twofold meaning of light I'd have gone with:

Stretched on the bed under midday light
in my hands -- like air, bare-
ly grasping that you are not there

I quite enjoyed what you're trying to do, and think it makes for good poetry if you can hit upon the exact combination that will make it work best

[Arachne]

Stretched on the bed under midday light,
light in my hands—like air, bare,
barely grasping that you are not there.

I find your work short, but meaningful. The use of light of sun and light of weight are made visible when used with air and bare. Air holds no weight to a hand. There is contrast in the seeing of light and the seeing of something dark...the void that was left. What comes to mind is a person waking only to reach out and find they are alone. Beautiful piece. Kudos.