~Ode To Rebecca~

[ficosdarkness]

My Dearest Rebecca,

I was lying in bed early this morning, sleep eluding me for the 50th hour or so and I caught a glimpse of something blue as it flashed across my left shoulder, striking my attention like a lightening bolt just before a powerful clap of thunder during a sudden summer storm. It left a tiny blue vapor trail, similar to the ones I've seen while on the back end of a combination acid trip with an ecstasy kicker. I followed it from left to right, as it moved swiftly along my collar bone until it came to rest on my other shoulder and I realized that it was one of those little blue smurf bastards, positioning itself to reap havoc on my psyche once again. I moved as quickly as I could to snatch the little blue fucker, so I could use it as a "bait smurf" and draw out the others to capture them too, but either it was too fast, or I, in my partial slumber, was just too slow. Sitting up, I scrambled for the light on my bedside table, but before I could reach it to turn it on I felt the smurf's icy little feet stomping about with a kind of rhythm or maybe more like a cadence on my chest directly above my heart. It was doing a tiny smurf Riverdance that I could feel straight through my ribs, all the way to my spine! I tried once more to catch the little blue tick before it made it's way again into my headspace, ultimately to burrow itself into my skull and disappear from whence it came, back to the World of Warcraft quest carrying on battles in my mind. Then it stopped it's taunting jig and dawned an evil grin flipping me off as it jumped up on my neck and vanished into my jugular leaving no trace, except for a mental score board that read, Little Blue Smurfs Infinity - Sanity None."

[Philatone]

hello fico! I hope this finds you well

The piece has many prose elements with how it is written. At times, I felt sentences could have been shortened (many have a run-on quality), though perhaps that enhances the kind of drugged impossibility described in the poem. Regardless, some ideas felt less important than others and could probably be cut to make a more concise piece.

As to the smurf itself, seems inspired by imagination or an explanation for drugs as they works into the body.
Upon concluding, I wasn't entirely certain what I was supposed to feel.

[addy]

An interesting piece, I quite enjoyed what you were going for (I think). The narrator hasn't slept for 50 hours, and he has started to hallucinate. Why hasn't he slept? The title is "ode to rebecca" even though none of it resembles an ode, so I'm guessing this is a dark humor piece that documents his mental breakdown after a breakup or maybe even Rebecca's death (this is just guesswork). The fact that it's the most lucid description of a hallucination I ever read made the piece doubly intriguing, though Phil is right that it does have its weak points (it sometimes struggles between straightforward and longwinding, muddling the effect for the reader)

Perhaps the piece could be more cohesive if you insert more hints and clues about the Rebecca thing (assuming my interpretation of your intent is correct). Maybe have an ending for the letter, too since you already began it with salutations to Rebecca.

Thanks for sharing

[billy]

hallucination form lack of sleep and possibly banned substances..

there's a lot of good stuff going on in there though some of the repetition and packing could be edited out in order to make it less prose. some of the simile could be improved upon by cutting part of them away.
at present the block writing isn't doing the poem any justice.

the title feels a bit iffy as the piece reads more like "a smurf's tale"
i think you need to get the cutting board out and give it some breathing space.

great to see you again btw

thanks for read.
billy

[ficosdarkness]

An interesting piece, I quite enjoyed what you were going for (I think). The narrator hasn't slept for 50 hours, and he has started to hallucinate. Why hasn't he slept? The title is "ode to rebecca" even though none of it resembles an ode, so I'm guessing this is a dark humor piece that documents his mental breakdown after a breakup or maybe even Rebecca's death (this is just guesswork). The fact that it's the most lucid description of a hallucination I ever read made the piece doubly intriguing, though Phil is right that it does have its weak points (it sometimes struggles between straightforward and longwinding, muddling the effect for the reader)

Perhaps the piece could be more cohesive if you insert more hints and clues about the Rebecca thing (assuming my interpretation of your intent is correct). Maybe have an ending for the letter, too since you already began it with salutations to Rebecca.

Thanks for sharing

Addy you always seem to hit the nail on the head! I actually did write this after being up for 50 plus hours and thought it was funny so I decided to share it with my friends here in the pen! I didn't tweak it because honestly I read it after I had slept and I'm not quite sure what I meant. I am going to put it on the cutting block as billy suggested and give as many hints about Rebecca that I can. I love you guys here!! Rebecca is a real personality of a friend so know prob there but the smurfs? Well their explaination may be a bit tricky. Maybe you can give me a few ideas on them, eh? I am, among other things, bipolar. Whenever I go from a depression into a manic with my bipolar disorder I use the smurfs as a metaphor?? That they are coming to reap havoc on my psyche, such like that. What do you think? I would very much like to bring everyone into bipolar in a way that others have not. I'd like to be as desciptive as possible so they understand or at the very least, have a better understaning, because if they have a person like me in their life, that understanding is imperative to the survival of that relationship... I'll leave it here. It is kind of groovy as is I think, don't you? lol!

---

hallucination form lack of sleep and possibly banned substances..

there's a lot of good stuff going on in there though some of the repetition and packing could be edited out in order to make it less prose. some of the simile could be improved upon by cutting part of them away.
at present the block writing isn't doing the poem any justice.

the title feels a bit iffy as the piece reads more like "a smurf's tale"
i think you need to get the cutting board out and give it some breathing space.

great to see you again btw

thanks for read.
billy

billy you're like a piece of candy to me at times! There were no "banned substances" but, hallucinations by way of sleep deprivation, are the norm for me as I am a chronic insomniac, which is a symptom of bipolar. What makes this piece so very cool is that it is an actual hallucination! I've gone waaay longer than 50 hours without sleep and written but I haven't been able to finish those pieces and I couln't make most of them out at all! That being said I would like to make this piece into someting usefull but keep it entertaining as well. As I told addy, Rebecca is a personality of a friend who is also bipolar, she named that part of her persona because the change in her is so different from who she is. The smurfs are a way of me to descibe that I'm going from depression to mania. I go from one to the other extremely fast, thus the "blue vapor" analogy. (I think) Please keep in mind that I didn't know that I wrote the piece and after catching up on sleep, well, there it was. I thought that it was funny as all get out so I shared it with you all in the pen. I'm going to put it on the chopping block and try to use a different form as well as the other things that I've learned in the pen! Thanks for your input. Anymore, as you know, is open heartedly welcomed. Deuces! (that's a peace sign indicating that I'm out!)

[billy]

looking forward to seeing the outcome