A Piece of Glass:

[billy]

Translucent green, it held no sparkle;
edges smooth from pounding waves.
It lay there on the ebb, a memory.
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting.

Along with empty razor shells.
A cuttlefish bone and lots of little ones;
miniature ice cream cones, memories--
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting.

Treasures washed in tide pools
where crabs no bigger than a finger nail
scurried like Spanish dancers. Memories;
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting.

The keepsake kept, is still as dull
as when it lay upon the Southport sands
Now it's worn around my neck.
A memory--

[Indie]

Translucent green, it held no sparkle;
edges smooth from pounding waves.
It lay there on the ebb, a memory.
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting. For some reason I see ... at the end of this line, like an after thought or hush. IMO the two end waiting's jar the flow, odd numbers work better

Along with empty razor shells. I like the imagery of this
A cuttlefish bone and lots of little ones; This line is confusing, ambiguous. What lot's of little one's are you referring to?
miniature ice cream cones, memories-- This line seems out of place with imagery of empty razor shells. Very childlike expression
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting.

Treasures washed in tide pools
where crabs no bigger than a finger nail
scurried like Spanish dancers. Memories;Love the imagery, but the flow jars. Maybe a rephrasing
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting.

The keepsake kept, is still as dull I got the impression that the keepsake was special, and kept is such a bland word. I would have suggested treasured, but treasure is used in the preceding verse
as when it lay upon the Southport sands
Now it's worn around my neck. it's isn't needed
A memory--

Hope this is helpful
Indie

[billy]

yes it is i'll wait for some more feedback before i do an edit. thanks for the read and comments

[tectak]

Translucent green, it held no sparkle;this "it" is quite sometime wanting definition. What is it? Is this the title? You are cheating with this cliffhanger
edges smooth from pounding waves.from or by?
It lay there on the ebb, a memory.What is this it, and should I care? Bugger, it's still lying there
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting. To dramatic for me ,billy, and possibly a little nonsensical. We shell sea

Along with empty razor shells.
A cuttlefish bone and lots of little ones;you have lost my interest here. "Little ones" is just too non-specific.
miniature ice cream cones, memories--
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting. over over-dramatic and double puzzling

Treasures washed in tide pools
where crabs no bigger than a finger nail
scurried like Spanish dancers. Memories;a tense shift has occured which is unnerving....but scurried like spanish dancers is cute.....I believe there is a spanish dance concerning a crab. Oh oh. Just googled. A spaish dancer is a sea-slug
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting.over over over-dramatic and triply puzzling

The keepsake kept, is still as dull
as when it lay upon the Southport sands
Now it's worn around my neck.
A memory--BUGGER....what the hell is it?

Not your best, billy, but sometimes that doesn't matter. I am happy to say I can think of no way you could improve this one......so that's all right then.
Best,
Tectak

[billy]

i'll just fuck off now shall i

thanks for the feedback and for the smile. though i'll hang in there and see if i can use something of the poem in the edit.
i shall be using your feedback as the basis of it. basically a completely new poem should appear.
i'm serious. i found your feedback refreshing, funny, and honest. how good feedback should be.
thanks Tectak

[Philatone]

hey billy

Translucent green, it held no sparkle;...I was ok with "it"
edges smooth from pounding waves....as is, it sounds as though the glass does the "pounding". I think "smoothed by" would strengthen the effect, with "by" showing the agent.
It lay there on the ebb, a memory....period doesn't feel necessary; I think switching the line (A memory, it lay there on the ebb) also gives the image more immediacy, though I see it is being used for a pattern.
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting....I get the effect, but am not convinced all the "waiting"s are necessary

Along with empty razor shells....period needed?
A cuttlefish bone and lots of little ones;...everything was nicely specific until "lots of little ones"; it felt a bit out of place for me
miniature ice cream cones, memories-- ...this is entirely personal taste: I get the idea of "miniature ice cream cones", but the wording isn't my favorite. playing with something besides "miniature" may help, as "ice cream cones" is difficult enough to replace (although, maybe "sugar cones"?)
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting.

Treasures washed in tide pools ...again, after such specificity, "treasures" felt a little flat
where crabs no bigger than a finger nail
scurried like Spanish dancers. Memories;...I like the line and the sentiments. however, the "no bigger than a finger nail" is a bit clunky
Waiting for life, waiting, waiting.

The keepsake kept, is still as dull
as when it lay upon the Southport sands ...don't think you need the article "the"
Now it's worn around my neck....in some ways, this could have been tied to the first line and led to a more concise stanza (The keepsake kept around my neck/ is still as dull...). i like the tie-in to the opening
A memory--

I enjoyed the calm, reflective nature of this. Overall, I liked the images and words used to convey them, but I did get snagged at several spots. A lot of times, it involved those nouns that take two words to convey (fingernail, ice cream) that are difficult to substitute, but still are a bit of a burden to get over.

[billy]

thanks geoff. i see all the probs pointed out by you three and will really try and workshop the thing.

[Philatone]

I hope see, it really feels like a piece that can shine to me (and without too much force). I think it's pretty relatable.