2012, a world report (some adult language and potentially disturbing imagery)

[Chaotic Body]

(v2.0- new middle stanza and general improvements)

right this second-
bullets fly through a man
man and wife, man and man kiss, fuck
people ride an aeroplane above this

animals cuddled and eaten, corpses litter-
workers' rights graveyards and gun-games
Internet humours human debris
consumption just a (sexual) part of us

materials all colours arranged-
paint ever-new designs and worlds...
with which a gathering fosters escape
safe from stark reality

not much a man is him apparently-
who stands alone dodging conflict
in, a big mix of fact and feeling,
tides turning and sweeping, things...

right this second-
bullets fly through a man
man and wife, man and man kiss, fuck
people ride an aeroplane above this





(end)

(v1.0 original)

right this second-
bullets fly through a man
man and wife, man and man kiss, fuck
people ride an aeroplane above this

animals cuddled and eaten, corpses litter-
workers' rights graveyards and gun-games
pieces of bodies comedied online
feminine image consumed, fully explored

not much a man is him, apparently-
who cowers and hides from conflicts
in, a big mix of logic and meaning,
tides turning and sweeping, things...

right this second-
bullets fly through a man
man and wife, man and man kiss, fuck
people ride an aeroplane above this




(end)

I'm not sure I should capitalize.. is it that important?
I really like this poem. But I want to run this theme of contradiction through it strong and clear.

[addy]

I quite like this. The real-time immediacy you introduced it with was a nice touch. Don't think capitalization is much of an issue here, you can go without it; but some of the phrasing is rather awkward and could be improved ("pieces of bodies comedied online", a few misplaced commas). Also, while I understand where you were going with the third stanza (portraying a man overwhelmed by a conflicted world) stylistically it didn't mesh with the rest of the poem... there was a bit of a leap there. The other parts of the poem were like flashes of a film reel, then suddenly it breaks into soliloquy without warning or preamble. I can't come up with good suggestions right now buy I think you need to smoothen that stylistic leap somehow. Otherwise, i find this to be one of your more effective pieces, imo

[Philatone]

hey chaotic

I've gotten more from this than some of your other pieces; the images have a more solid base and a bit more depth to them I think, though personally I think even more could be helpful. Be sure to check your commas; some felt oddly placed (S.3 L2.).

The third stanza was the one I could get the most out of. If you're trying to emphasize contradiction, then I think this piece has a number of images that play to it. The capitalization as is works fine, to me anyways.

In all, I was satisfied reading this, but I wouldn't be against giving the reader more help in favor of being less cryptic

[Chaotic Body]

Updated. I'm going for some degree of absurdism with this.. mainly I think I want to convey the hopelessness that is our much conflicted humanity. I like what I did with the 3rd stanza but I doubt it will come off right. I'm really struggling with the commas and rhythm but, oh well, I'll get there if I'm serious enough.

[billy]

(v2.0- new middle stanza and general improvements)

right this second-
bullets fly through a man
man and wife, man and man kiss, fuck
people ride an aeroplane above this i quite like the mundanity of it all in this stanza,

animals cuddled and eaten, corpses litter-
workers' rights graveyards and gun-games
Internet humours human debris this line feels like an odd man out
consumption just a (sexual) part of us

materials all colours arranged maybe a comma after materials would help the flow
paint ever-new designs and worlds...
with which a gathering fosters escape
safe from stark reality

not much a man is him apparently-
who stands alone dodging conflict
in, a big mix of fact and feeling, is 'in' needed?
tides turning and sweeping, things... cliche

right this second-
bullets fly through a man
man and wife, man and man kiss, fuck
people ride an aeroplane above this


(end)

I'm not sure I should capitalize.. is it that important?
I really like this poem. But I want to run this theme of contradiction through it strong and clear.

i think you should use caps where grammar dictates you use caps.
i think this is the best poem yet from you.
theres a problem in a couple of places with how you laid the line down.
but i think you have the making of a good poem here. i do like the 1st and last stanza and think they act as a shell for the rest of the piece.

thanks for the read.

[Indie]

I remember reading the original and found it quite confusing. This edit is better, but IMO the flow still feels very blunt and cut off. As a reader I'm also put off by the fact can't accurately gauge the mood you are trying to convey, it's quite cold in it's execution, and I'm not sure if that was what you were aiming for. I'm still confused on exactly what stance you are taking as well.

[Erthona]

and "the sun also rises"