Epilogue of Love

[Indie]

Thanks Dale, I understand where you're coming from.

The preceding verses are past tense, it would require an entire rewrite of tenses to change it to fit the last verse. I amended the ending to where I'm now happy with it. I've chosen to go with glistening over glistened, and keep kissed as is, be it contextually right or wrong. My end decision came down to how it rolled of the tongue, and glistened didn't sit right, and nor did kiss.

I thank you for your advice, you've been great in the editing process of this poem.

[billy]

the added unable line doesn't harm the thing for me. and the other parts of the edit though small work well.
i think this another one to be drawed in order not to over edit it. you can always do that at a later date.

[Indie]

Thanks Billy, I feel like this one is finished. Any more would be over editing.

[billy]

i think you work shopped it well.

[tectak]

V.3
There was something so vulnerable in the ending vulnerability is not of itself a determining state. It must "refer". In this opener the vulnerability appears to refer to an indeterminate ending and so the line hangs on its own short rope. Perhaps it would make more acceptable (to the reader) sense if it read "...in our ending"
Laying, curled around each other’s feet without puntuation this line is wobbling between L1 and L2. You could argue that either choice would work and whilst that is true you may have decided that it is up to you and not the reader to be put upon. I would prefer you to make that decision for me as it gives me too much to think about
Unable to look at each other is this a deliberate observational double entendre? If you are head to foot then no, you could not look at each other. Help?
Clutching at the memories of yesterday
Like they were the air we needed to breathethere is something physiologically inexact in this and the next two lines. I am no longer sure of your intent. On the one hand you are striving for a "romantic" image and sentiment but by another yardstick we imagine the almost comical image of the divine pleasure of inhaling the quintessentially life giving odour of feet. I appreciate the basic animalistic pleasure of inhaling the familiar scent of a partener but cannot get this from that. Furthermore, "like they were the" is a little clumsy and almost vernacular, like, innit
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed and torn and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskeythough the best stanza for me it is irritatingly short of instructional punctuation, as well as person shifts . My, I, her.

My eyes glistening with starlight, unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your anklean impossibly ludicrous image which is weakened further by the inescapably comic dichotomy inherent in "the memory of your ankle!!". Fetish, perhaps.
Took a shaky breath, and let go

... overall this us a piece which strives to create imagery. As the whole scene is essentially a sleeping portrait you have considerable freedom to study what you can see and make much of detail. I believe that you kept coming close to this orbital equilibrium but did not see the possibility until you were thrown like a sling shot back out into the void. I did love the concept and am mightily impressed by the maturity and depth of emotion which you put into the piece. I guess I am asking for more than you are preparedto give.......and that is what the piece is all about. Overall, well done.
Best,
Tectak[/i]

V.2
There was something so vulnerable in the ending
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Clutching at the memories of yesterday
Like we were the air we needed to breathe
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you.

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey.

My eyes leaking starlight, glistening unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go.

...

V.1
There was something so vulnerable in the ending
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Like children hiding, afraid, in the dark
Unable to look at each other and yet
Unable to let go, holding on to one another
Like we were the air we needed to breathe
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you.

I couldn’t bear to look at the exquisite sadness
In your eyes that always had my resolve
Coming undone, melting me down to my core
Where only you existed, my knees buckling under me
To fall at your feet, face upturned
To gaze at your magnitude with everything I possessed.

How could you not see the depth
In which I loved you?

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey. My eyes leaking starlight
Glistening unseen in the darkness, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go.

[Indie]

Thanks Tectak, this poem has been edited to where I'm happy with it now. I appreciate your time, and your advice, but I won't be editing this poem any further.

Indie

[tectak]

V.3
There was something so vulnerable in the ending vulnerability is not of itself a determining state. It must "refer". In this opener the vulnerability appears to refer to an indeterminate ending and so the line hangs on its own short rope. Perhaps it would make more acceptable (to the reader) sense if it read "...in our ending"
Laying, curled around each other’s feet without puntuation this line is wobbling between L1 and L2. You could argue that either choice would work and whilst that is true you may have decided that it is up to you and not the reader to be put upon. I would prefer you to make that decision for me as it gives me too much to think about
Unable to look at each other is this a deliberate observational double entendre? If you are head to foot then no, you could not look at each other. Help?
Clutching at the memories of yesterday
Like they were the air we needed to breathethere is something physiologically inexact in this and the next two lines. I am no longer sure of your intent. On the one hand you are striving for a "romantic" image and sentiment but by another yardstick we imagine the almost comical image of the divine pleasure of inhaling the quintessentially life giving odour of feet. I appreciate the basic animalistic pleasure of inhaling the familiar scent of a partener but cannot get this from that. Furthermore, "like they were the" is a little clumsy and almost vernacular, like, innit
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed and torn and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskeythough the best stanza for me it is irritatingly short of instructional punctuation, as well as person shifts . My, I, her.

My eyes glistening with starlight, unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your anklean impossibly ludicrous image which is weakened further by the inescapably comic dichotomy inherent in "the memory of your ankle!!". Fetish, perhaps.
Took a shaky breath, and let go

... overall this us a piece which strives to create imagery. As the whole scene is essentially a sleeping portrait you have considerable freedom to study what you can see and make much of detail. I believe that you kept coming close to this orbital equilibrium but did not see the possibility until you were thrown like a sling shot back out into the void. I did love the concept and am mightily impressed by the maturity and depth of emotion which you put into the piece. I guess I am asking for more than you are preparedto give.......and that is what the piece is all about. Overall, well done.
Best,
Tectak[/i]

V.2
There was something so vulnerable in the ending
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Clutching at the memories of yesterday
Like we were the air we needed to breathe
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you.

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey.

My eyes leaking starlight, glistening unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go.

...

V.1
There was something so vulnerable in the ending
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Like children hiding, afraid, in the dark
Unable to look at each other and yet
Unable to let go, holding on to one another
Like we were the air we needed to breathe
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you.

I couldn’t bear to look at the exquisite sadness
In your eyes that always had my resolve
Coming undone, melting me down to my core
Where only you existed, my knees buckling under me
To fall at your feet, face upturned
To gaze at your magnitude with everything I possessed.

How could you not see the depth
In which I loved you?

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey. My eyes leaking starlight
Glistening unseen in the darkness, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go.

---

Thanks Tectak, this poem has been edited to where I'm happy with it now. I appreciate your time, and your advice, but I won't be editing this poem any further.

Indie

No worries Indie. I came late to this one and I guess it has set in the pan! One further bit of advice, if I may, never stop editing
Best,
Tectak