Institutionalized

[Philatone]

V. 4

With serifs reserved for business and obituaries,
an unarmed robber is caught in section B
in an idling cab, rear door unlocked, to receive the gift of law,
its licensed hand on his wrists.

The passenger taken from the car, the driver relates the silence
he and the thief exchanged even as cruisers approached;

how they sat a row apart like boys observing a service,
one ready to leave before communion, the other content to watch
the ceremony before him, the flicker of mounting candles,
the brush of a savior falling over open palms.





v. 3 again, complete adjustment

With serifs reserved for business and obituaries,
the report emerges. An unarmed robbery is buried in section B
where a cab idles in a parking lot despite the gallop of sirens,
the rear door already unlocked to receive the law,
its reach for the handle, and pull.

His passenger taken from the car, the driver relates the silence
he and the thief exchanged even as cruisers approached;

how they sat a row apart, like boys observing a service,
one ready to leave before communion, the other content to watch
the ceremony before him, the flicker of mounting candles,
the brush of a savior against open palms,
the scent of home too strong to want to soar.








v2. entire piece has been adjusted

As sirens gallop closer
and cruisers charge the cab
idling in the lot,

unlock the checkered door
to receive the law,
the handcuffs on belt rings,

the navy uniforms,
the reach for the handle,
the pull. The cabdriver

waits for directions,
unlike the lone cashier
who scrambled for the key

to open the locked till
the minute she was told;
but what order is there

to give when home takes no
deliveries, save those
ushered in black and white?






V. 1
An uncle was found in a cab
parked by the drive-thru. The camera said
he had entered, hiding a lump under his hoodie
near his chest: an arm mistaken for aluminum,
a covered fist for a loaded barrel,
a prayer for home
under a demand for cash.

The taxi, outside, waited for directions
to leave

even as the passenger returned
and sirens galloped closer.
Even as cruisers charged the exit
and he unlocked the door to receive the law,
eyeing handcuffs fastened on the belt rings
of blue uniforms that reached the handle
and pulled,

the taxi, outside, waited for directions
to leave.

[billy]

An uncle was found in a cab is was needed? (an uncle, fou..)
parked by the drive-thru. The camera said (cameras don't talk) is it needed?
he had entered, hiding a lump under his hoodie he'd, does it work better than 'ha had'?
near his chest: an arm mistaken for aluminum, i can't the sense in this line?
a covered fist for a loaded barrel,
a prayer for home
under a demand for cash.

The taxi, outside, waited for directions
to leave

even as the passenger returned
and sirens galloped closer. great line
Even as cruisers charged the exit this carries on the metaphor
and he unlocked the door to receive the law,
eyeing handcuffs fastened on the belt rings
of blue uniforms that reached the handle
and pulled,

the taxi, outside, waited for directions
to leave.

the last stanza works really well and as such i have no nits for it. my problem is the drawn out 1st stanza. i'm not getting a good image of the non weapon. (why (an) and not (my) uncle)?

if you can get the 1st to be as good as the last it would improve it tenfold.

thanks for the read

[addy]

Why an uncle? That part niggled at me too. I think I'm missing something, and I might not be appreciating a large chunk of what, emotionally, should be going on in this piece --I am somewhat confused . It is very competently-written though

[Erthona]

Geoff,

Ditto for me on Uncle. Plus I seem to be missing some point the poem is making. There seems to be some sympathy for the uncle, as well as a hint that what was thought was happening, was not in fact happening. However, I am unsure what that was suppose to be, or how this specifically ties into the title. Although I could hazard a guess, I don't think that is my job. There is some bone here but not enough meat on which to base a meal!

Dale

[Indie]

Uncle could be clarified, alone is doesn't work that will within the story.

The use of "even" is used twice in the 3rd stanza. It does nothing for the flow, and as a reader (and maybe as a writer) it's what I noticed most about that verse. The even's stuck in my mind long after I'd read them, and not in a good way.

A little confused on the tense here. Is "the taxi, outside, waited for directions, to leave." a part of the recollection in verse one with the camera? The more I'm looking at the more confused I am at what you're trying to infer.

[Philatone]

while far from where it needs to be, have provided a new version that I think may be easier to work with (of course, the opposite may be true too).

[Indie]

I really like the flow and language of the first version. The second one, while clearer in tone and perspective lacks the soul of the first piece. The biggest issue in the first version was clarity and tense and the POV was vague, but it told a more interesting story IMO. The best I can offer is maybe step back from the pieces and ask yourself what is it that you really want to say through the poem.

Indie

[tectak]

I really like the flow and language of the first version. The second one, while clearer in tone and perspective lacks the soul of the first piece. The biggest issue in the first version was clarity and tense and the POV was vague, but it told a more interesting story IMO. The best I can offer is maybe step back from the pieces and ask yourself what is it that you really want to say through the poem.

Indie

Hi phil,
I am with indie on this one BUT I have a wider point to make which seems to be the cause of some of the problems with the poetry I have enjoyed from you.
The "but" was because I do not agree that the "flow" was better in v1. To me, it was stultified and concatenated......as though you had written brief, skeletal notes with a view to fleshing out later. Oh oh! Here it comes. I think that you may be slightly unsure about committing to longer lines/stanzas because you do not have the confidence of use. (Sorry, billy, this may be in the wrong thread/forum) And yet, a simple restructuring of the piece in terms of architecture rather than bricks may be all that is needed to show where pieces are missing. It is almost as though you give birth, life and death, anthropomorphically speaking, to each short stanza and then expect them all to rise up from the dead and sing together.
Best,
Tectak
Or Uncle Tom to some......I was never in the taxi

[heslopian]

I personally much prefer the first version. I read the second one first and I wasn't sure what was going on. I got that police were surrounding a cab, but the cab driver seemed innocent of any crime and aside from the cashier no-one else was alluded to. I felt the core of the piece was missing.
The first version was much more succinct and clear about its narrative. It tells a simple story well. I like the detail that the robber was arranging his arm to look like a gun. In the second version the robber is absent, which confuses the whole thing. It's like if The Silence of the Lambs removed every scene featuring Hannibal Lecter and Buffalo Bill.
I think the essential difference between the two versions is that the first is crisp and rounded, while the second substitutes narrative for abstraction. JMHO of course. Thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

jack, tec, indie

thanks for the time and comments. I appreciate that the first version had a spirit that the second couldn't quite muster. I've tried approaching the piece yet again from a different angle. having your thoughts on the changes and what does not work would be very helpful.

again, I appreciate your help with this process

[heslopian]

v. 3 again, complete adjustment

In standard font, with serifs reserved for business and obituaries,
the report emerges. An unarmed robbery is buried in section B Would "robber" make more sense than "robbery"? As it is the line seems like it's saying the robbery took place in the parking lot.
where a cab idles in a parking lot despite the gallop of sirens,
the rear door already unlocked to receive the law, I think a semi-colon should go here. The next line feels like it's a continuation rather than the end of the sentence, which is confusing.
its reach for the handle, and pull. Should "its" have an apostrophe, as in "it is reach for the handle, and pull"? I'm basing this suggestion (and the previous one) on what I think this line means to do: describe the cab driver's actions.

His passenger taken from the car, the driver relates the silence
he and the thief exchanged even as cruisers approached; This couplet is almost perfect. The clauses connect with each other in a crisp and flowing manner. I'd make this its own sentence just so it seems more whole and stands alone.

how they sat a row apart, like boys observing a service,
one ready to leave before communion, the other content to watch
the ceremony before him, the flicker of mounting candles,
the brush of a savior against open palms,
the scent of home too strong to want to soar. I don't think you need this last line. It feels like one clause too many. The rest of this verse is excellent and darkly atmospheric.

This is my favourite version of the poem so far. The first verse is slightly overwritten, but the rest is superb.

[Philatone]

hey jack

going to try and address a couple of your comments; your input was helpful! thank you