Opening Curtains:

[billy]

The barking bitch
births me into lancing sunlight
'lazy bastard' expletives
broadside me.
The finger, periscoped from below
a warm duvet, ignored;
with a nifty brush handle to the ribs.
She pokes the cover away
revealing an early morning
piss proud prowler. it garners
ridicule instead of passion.
'Dream on pencil dick'
Her ambivalence excites me
but not as much as my bladder.

---

use of geoff's period after ribs

[Philatone]

hey billy!

The barking bitch
births me into lancing sunlight ...I think the opening reinforces itself in a way with a quick, charged first line
'lazy bastard' expletives
broadside me.
The finger, periscoped from below
a warm duvet, ignored;...like the two lines above
with a nifty brush handle to the ribs
She pokes the cover away...need a period above or a lower-case 's'
revealing an early morning
piss proud prowler. it garners ...It. Oh, and nice alliteration, though perhaps a bit forced for it
ridicule instead of passion.
'Dream on pencil dick'
Her ambivalence excites me
but not as much as my bladder....I get it what it intends. I want to like it. But...getting excited by a bladder? Really? Motivates you to get out of bed, I understand, but excites? Perhaps just me, but it feels like a stretch

It's a fun piece to read; really captures a (quick) moment well

[Erthona]

Nice image/ metaphor.

although there were two places where I was somewhat uncertain about either who was talking, or what was being referenced. Despite that, these are mainly personal stylistic suggestions. I do think there is a case to be made for clarity in terms of setting apart the quotes. and also more clarity about who is saying what by injecting "her" to the line.

The quote was a bit difficult maybe

(I think maybe "The barking of the bitch births me" so as not to create
confusion in regards to the relationship.)
The barking bitch
births me into lancing sunlight

'lazy bastard'

her expletives broadside me.
--------------

I can appreciate the alliteration in

"piss proud prowler"

but maybe continuing the naval theme with something like

rising of the mizzen-mast
-----------------------------

Then again set apart the quote, so

revealing an early morning
rising of the mizzen-mast
still it garners ridicule
from her instead of passion.

'Dream on pencil dick'

Her ambivalence excites me
but not as much as my bladder.


Dale

[billy]

hey billy!

The barking bitch
births me into lancing sunlight ...I think the opening reinforces itself in a way with a quick, charged first line
'lazy bastard' expletives
broadside me.
The finger, periscoped from below
a warm duvet, ignored;...like the two lines above
with a nifty brush handle to the ribs
She pokes the cover away...need a period above or a lower-case 's'
revealing an early morning
piss proud prowler. it garners ...It. Oh, and nice alliteration, though perhaps a bit forced for it
ridicule instead of passion.
'Dream on pencil dick'
Her ambivalence excites me
but not as much as my bladder....I get it what it intends. I want to like it. But...getting excited by a bladder? Really? Motivates you to get out of bed, I understand, but excites? Perhaps just me, but it feels like a stretch

It's a fun piece to read; really captures a (quick) moment well

thanks geoff, will possibly change excites to agitates, i' do the period in a few mins.

---

Nice image/ metaphor.

although there were two places where I was somewhat uncertain about either who was talking, or what was being referenced. Despite that, these are mainly personal stylistic suggestions. I do think there is a case to be made for clarity in terms of setting apart the quotes. and also more clarity about who is saying what by injecting "her" to the line.

The quote was a bit difficult maybe

(I think maybe "The barking of the bitch births me" so as not to create
confusion in regards to the relationship.)
The barking bitch
births me into lancing sunlight

'lazy bastard'

her expletives broadside me.
--------------

I can appreciate the alliteration in

"piss proud prowler"

but maybe continuing the naval theme with something like

rising of the mizzen-mast
-----------------------------

Then again set apart the quote, so

revealing an early morning
rising of the mizzen-mast
still it garners ridicule
from her instead of passion.

'Dream on pencil dick'

Her ambivalence excites me
but not as much as my bladder.


Dale

thanks for the feedback dale, will look at the clarity issue and the alteration area that both you and geoff see as in need of some work.

[tectak]

The barking bitch
births me into lancing sunlight
'lazy bastard' expletives
broadside me.
The finger, periscoped from below
a warm duvet, ignored;
with a nifty brush handle to the ribs.
She pokes the cover away
revealing an early morning
piss proud prowler. it garners
ridicule instead of passion.
'Dream on pencil dick'
Her ambivalence excites me
but not as much as my bladder.

---

use of geoff's period after ribs

Billy, just great. No muse is good muse!
Best,
Tectak
Ps do you care about the punctuation or do you have other things to worry about. I do hope your pencil was/is 2H or perhaps 2HB.

[billy]

i do worry, but it's not something that's easy to ;earn at my age i do try though.

[Leanne]

So... pencil dick... is that what you use to write with?

And to be contrary, might I say that I really like "piss proud prowler"? The alliterative p adds a whole other dimension of puns as well...

No, I don't have anything constructive to say, other than that the image is burned into my brain now and I can laugh at it at any time

[billy]

So... pencil dick... is that what you use to write with?

And to be contrary, might I say that I really like "piss proud prowler"? The alliterative p adds a whole other dimension of puns as well...

No, I don't have anything constructive to say, other than that the image is burned into my brain now and I can laugh at it at any time

always good to know i made someone laugh, (it was about sj )