11:10am

[heslopian]

I'm hungry and lying in bed at 11:10am.
I think about how evenings gore my heart,
when I open the door and see hollow grays.

Soon I'll make myself eggs and toast
and pretend it's being given me on a silver service.
Sometimes anger seems utterly strange.

[Philatone]

hey jack

I found the second stanza stronger than the first (the "gore my heart" and "hollow grays" were too much for me). Without more details given about what happened to the speaker, I don't have anything to base a connection to the speaker on. I think combining the stanzas and removing the "I think...hollow grays" makes the poem more interesting--what about this experience causes so much rage? Perhaps even another line added in to offer another clue could be useful. Or stanza--I don't think this needs to be short unless you want it to


sorry for proposing dramatic touches; if I went overboard, be sure to call me out. It's just I certainly liked the other lines (enjoyed S.2 a lot)

[jmnical]

I apologize in advance for being new at critique; take my suggestions with a grain of salt!

I like the second stanza a lot and I would be interested in a longer first stanza. i'm in agreement with philatone about "gore my heart," also. i do like "hollow grays," though!

[heslopian]

Thanks for your kind feedback, Philatone and jmnical
The last two lines of the first stanza were salvaged from a planned longer poem which didn't work out, which is probably why they jar so much.
The experience doesn't make the speaker angry. On the contrary, he feels at peace, which is why anger seems so strange in that moment, because he's serene.

[addy]

I'm hungry and lying in bed at 11:10am.
I think about how evenings gore my heart,
when I open the door and see hollow grays.

Soon I'll make myself eggs and toast
and pretend it's being given me on a silver service.
Sometimes anger seems utterly strange.

Peace is the most apt description of this. As Dickinson put it, "After a great pain a formal feeling comes."

There seems to be a running theme of emptiness in the first part of the poem, which is resolved in the second... a literal hunger, "hollow" grays, etc. If you were to abandon "gore" (though I personally have no particular objection to it) it would be interesting to keep the theme. Also, as a minor nit, I'm not sure why the narrator references a door rather than a window, which is the more obvious place to look when you're simply checking the general time of day. So as the others have said, there might be some interesting context here that's been omitted. Just a thought. However, I like the piece overall Jack

[Philatone]

interpreted the poem another way; i can see how you're taking it with the last line now

I'm hungry and lying in bed at 11:10am.
I think about how evenings gore my heart,
when I open the door and see hollow grays.

in some ways, I felt the first two lines could be combined, perhaps making the "gore" a little less emphatic for me. It gives the entrance more time to meander into itself; for instance:

11:10 a.m., lying in bed and hungry,


just an idea; I think the lines set themselves up well for playing around with syntactically. still like what I read; it's one of those that is good to come back to and ponder every now and then. I think it's personable and relatable, which are great qualities

[Erthona]

Jack,

Seems like not enough to really comment on. There seems to be an implied profundity that does not exists. Kind of like if I wrote...

I woke up this morning,
my coffee tasted bitter,
despair does that.

Dale

[Bronte]

Slap me with yon Haddock if you must
but I can’t write essays of what I think is wrong, or right.

All I can do is show how taking the self out makes room for the reader to wiggle in


11:10am
hungry and lying in bed
think how evenings gore the heart,
add open door displays in grays.

make eggs and toast
play let’s pretend
it's a given
on a silver service
where anger seems utterly strange.

[Erthona]

hungry and lying in bed
think(ing) how evenings gore the heart,

[Chaotic Body]

I found the second stanza stronger than the first (the "gore my heart" and "hollow grays" were too much for me). Without more details given about what happened to the speaker, I don't have anything to base a connection to the speaker on.

Yeah I agree with this, I can imagine reasons why this person is living alone? Is that what's running through this? Depression? (lying in at 11, hungry)

I say that because the first stanza for me is trying to put together an image, and the grays I assumed meant everything outside, not just the sky's actual colour although that may join, is bland and uninviting.

I really do love how I thought the second stanza was thinking over some internal behaviour of anger.

[heslopian]

Thanks for all your great feedback guys

[billy]

sorry for getting here late

if i read it as a piece of boredom it works really well; a snapshot of boredom, sleep late rise later with nothing to do.
i think it's worth expanding it though. i don't have any nits as such, i'd just like to see more of it.
thanks for the read.

[Indie]

I'm hungry and lying in bed at 11:10am.
I think about how evenings gore my heart,
when I open the door and see hollow grays.

Soon I'll make myself eggs and toast
and pretend it's being given me on a silver service.
Sometimes anger seems utterly strange.

Hi Jack.

I understand how this is intended, though the darker lines in the first verse, L2 -L3, are in contradiction to the lighter tone of the second verse. Upon re-reading this short piece a few times, I find myself confused, though maybe I am just over analysing. Overall I do like this piece. At first read it made me laugh.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Indie L2 and L3 were written first and were intended for a much different, longer poem, hence the clash in tone. I may use them again if that other poem I had in mind makes itself clearer.

---

sorry for getting here late

if i read it as a piece of boredom it works really well; a snapshot of boredom, sleep late rise later with nothing to do.
i think it's worth expanding it though. i don't have any nits as such, i'd just like to see more of it.
thanks for the read.

Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo

[tectak]

I'm hungry and lying in bed at 11:10am.
I think about how evenings gore my heart,
when I open the door and see hollow grays.

Soon I'll make myself eggs and toast
and pretend it's being given me on a silver service.
Sometimes anger seems utterly strange.

Yippeeee! A GESTALT at last.
I am pissed off
my heart has been gored.
I will eat.
I will think about eating.
I feel better already.

I would like to see more of these Fiona Neural Nets. They make me feel normal. Also, they are bloody imposible to crit unless you mix up "silver service" with "silver platter". Who gives a damm anyway.
Best,
tectak

[heslopian]

Thanks for the comment, tectak What's a "Fiona Neural Net"?

[tectak]

Thanks for the comment, tectak What's a "Fiona Neural Net"?

What what what??? I thought everyone knew Aneural net is a description of a collection of neurones and synapses which make decisions (outputs) based on the "weight" of the conditions (inputs) presented to the grouping.It works by taking in conditions and by trial and error adding more "weight" , that is, giving more "importance" to those inputs which produce a beneficial output and giving less weight to those which don't. So it is a small learning unit responsible only to itself. Fiona Nielsen wrote a good deal on the concept and some modern computer games, like chess, use the same algorithms to check out moves. The system can play the game right through to the end given enough time, but in reality, practicality demands limiting the iterations to say, twenty moves ahead. The important thing to note is that IF the play does not go as forseen, ANOTHER overlay of neural nets re-weights those below until the system makes it very difficult to beat.
Gestalts were an early epiphany. A bunch of German Psychologists/ latterly psychiatrists came up with a theory, late twenties I believe.
The idea was that ANY thought presented in the frame of consciousness of a sentient being HAD to be processed quickly, assigned an acceptable output, then stopped. The cause of some neuroses was put down to an inability to terminate neural "gestalts",which ultimately resulted in many thought processes running at once, like leaving browser tabs open, so causing nervous breakdown.
Ever wished you'd never asked!!!!????
Like using silver service when you mind meant silver platter. You cannot serve "on" a silver service as sit is a style or procedure. (plate from right and serve from left, this way you will please your guest....or as the french nearly say (recollection) when referring to silver service as "Service Anglais"...

"Plaque de droite et servir de la gauche,
et vous s'il vous plaît
votre invité"

........or very similar.
tectak