unnamed poem

[Chaotic Body]

v2.0 (depressing rather than angsty )

From this bubble of sunshine I look out, every now and then
Only to see hate eating you, who is in front of me
Beyond reach of powers I might possess, in a future world
Littered desert surrounding ever lifeless, anyway


Your expectations corrode me, litter toys sucking my time
You strive to make me love but I forgot how.
Still I think I can solve the puzzle of you
Whether this bubble's burst, may not matter at all


I vow to change you but whether anyone's hated
Surely a problem of attribution, for those desert toys


I'm tormented knowing you'll never understand me
In this paradox of human life


That there ever was a me: a mere opinion
This bubble too, contorted in the void across time.



(end)

v1.0 of second draft

From this womb of narcissism and eternal sunshine I look out, on a whim
To see sheer blindness and hate coursing through you, who is in front of me
Beyond the saving reach of any power I might have possessed, in a future world


Your expectations corrode me, a grand spectacle of skill is worth ten seconds of fame
You strive to make me love but I forgot how to.
Still I resolve that I'm stronger today than yesterday,
My emotions nulled and ego destroyed,
A cost I'm always willing to pay


I vow to change you even if you hate me.
Even if I grow and change and throw my past(human) self away.


I'm tormented knowing you'll never understand me
And wish that I was blind again


Oh, society

(end)

This is a second draft of a poem from 2 years ago originally
The messages are a little conflicted and blurred because of the second draft changes conflicting

But I really want to know what people think this means

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

[Erthona]

The speaker says that he/she looks out from a womb of "narcissism and eternal sunshine" which doesn't add up to a meaningful image to me. Then what follows does not seem to be what a narcissistic personality would experience. I think "immature" is more indicative of what is being described.

Such phrases as "I'm tormented knowing you'll never understand me" or " I'm stronger today than yesterday" are a bit cliche, but then most things describing early adulthood (adolescence) angst tend to come across that way.

This reads more as prose than poetry, as there is little in the way of the tropes associated with poetry here, even in regard to free verse, as well as the absence of any rhythmical quality.

Dale

[Chaotic Body]

Thanks, I will think about that first line some more

>I think "immature" is more indicative of what is being described.
What is maturity, then? Is it being content with the world as it is?

>Such phrases as "I'm tormented knowing you'll never understand me" or
Yeah I need a clear message which isn't there

>This reads more as prose than poetry
Okay, thanks again, maybe I should be posting it somewhere else

[billy]

i think unnamed poem, and untitled poem are two phrases which detract from whatever is written below them. while we may be workshopping a poem it's often best to have an outline title at least.

From this womb of narcissism and eternal sunshine I look out, on a whim
To see sheer blindness and hate coursing through you, who is in front of me
Beyond the saving reach of any power I might have possessed, in a future world
while it feels poetic, it does so overly. because of this it doesn't feel as strong as i expect it should

Your expectations corrode me, a grand spectacle of skill is worth ten seconds of fame the sentence starts well then feels let down by the weak statement. [/b]
You strive to make me love but I forgot how to. is 'to' needed?
Still I resolve that I'm stronger today than yesterday,
My emotions nulled and ego destroyed, doesn't sound narcissistic
A cost I'm always willing to pay


I vow to change you even if you hate me.
Even if I grow and change and throw my past(human) self away. feels too prose


I'm tormented knowing you'll never understand me
And wish that I was blind again


Oh, society

(end)

This is a second draft of a poem from 2 years ago originally
The messages are a little conflicted and blurred because of the second draft changes conflicting

But I really want to know what people think this means

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

i get a feeling of godhead in there and i do think there's a strong base to build on, that said, i don't think it said much, it needs to be cut down and then rebuilt with feeling, it also needs the use of a couple of poetic devices, a metaphor or two. the analogy in the poem was a bit weak. strengthen it up if you can.
it did feel original in main and worth working on.

thanks for the read, great to see your 1st poem
billy

[Erthona]

Mature/immature: adult as opposed to childish.

Mature:Taking responsibility for ones actions and feelings. Not trying to project these onto someone else, not blaming others for how you feel. Not making excuses for your actions.

Immature: Selfish, self-centered, lack of empathy, black and white thinking.

narcissistic: a pathological fascination with and admiration of oneself and ones attributes. To see all others in the world as objects without thoughts and feelings outside of thoughts and feelings for the narcissist. The perfect companion to a narcissist is a mirror, or someone who acts as a mirror for them. See "Echo and Narcissus" from Ovid's "Metamorphoses".


Dale

[Philatone]

hey chaotic!

i admire going back to revise older works from years past; it's something I struggle with myself, so to see you doing it may inspire me

...I notice you avoid titles. For me, they are like keys to a car, they really are an important first step just in getting things moving. Now, not all cars have keys I suppose (especially with technology). But, they still offer a lot and are practical for orientating the action

From this womb of narcissism and eternal sunshine I look out, on a whim
To see sheer blindness and hate coursing through you, who is in front of me
Beyond the saving reach of any power I might have possessed, in a future world
...I don't have a lot of images to grab me. Even "eternal sunshine" is a bit difficult for me to imagine. In all, the abstractions (blindness, hate, power, even this "you," who is not described by any other means) leave me reading without developing as strong a connection as I could have

Your expectations corrode me, a grand spectacle of skill is worth ten seconds of fame ...I like the sentiments of the line, and the word choice (corrode is great). I'm not seeing a tight connection between the lines of this stanza
You strive to make me love but I forgot how to.
Still I resolve that I'm stronger today than yesterday,...does strength relate to love, and if so, how? it's a question I think this part would need to confront
My emotions nulled and ego destroyed,
A cost I'm always willing to pay


I vow to change you even if you hate me.
Even if I grow and change and throw my past(human) self away. ....this felt like it had several missed opportunities to something more. figurative language. some kind of comparison. particularly, I'm looking at the "throw my past (human) self-away"


I'm tormented knowing you'll never understand me
And wish that I was blind again


Oh, society...now this is just dramatic. I think "again'' offers a stronger close

(end)

This is a second draft of a poem from 2 years ago originally
The messages are a little conflicted and blurred because of the second draft changes conflicting

But I really want to know what people think this means

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

i hope some of this is helpful!

[Chaotic Body]

i hope some of this is helpful!

Thanks for all your analyses! you inspired ME to have a proper go at it

A lot of those themes are now moot points for me, personally

I liked painting this fantasy scene in my head, though, and it's a really useful thinking tool actually.. reality check.. something like that. Because this is so internal and honest.

And the having no title: I chose to not name anything I write recently, so that it gives me ultimate freedom to change it. It really is heavily psychological for me. It makes it unattractive for others, maybe, but hey my writing isn't going to be signposted well by a title anyway I don't think